Starting to feel like I’m crazy.

**Long read**

My husband (45M) and I (37F) have been together for almost 11 years, married for 7. He is a believer that God has all the answers, which I believe too, but to a certain extent. I also believe in accountability. He listens to only worship music, reads his Bible, and always preaches God’s word, especially to me in times of need. We have a blended family, no kids together. I have three boys still at home, he has three girls who are grown and out of the house. In the beginning things were great and we did a lot together as a family.

For the last several years, even when his children were in the home I’ve felt like a single parent. He’s a workaholic, never ever calls in sick even when he is and will jump whenever needed. He also loves to gamble and when he has free time away from work he goes to the casino several times a week. He has been the primary provider for most of our relationship, however I’ve worked several part time jobs and some full time but tend to get overwhelmed having to work and be the primary caregiver + homemaker. I’m currently working full time and still do everything around the house. Inside, outside, every single thing. Occasionally he will take the trash cans to the curb or do some repairs around the house but it is VERY rare. When he comes home from work he wants to be in our room watching TV with the kids quiet. I understand. He works hard. But I do too. I have a lot on my shoulders.

I struggle with depression and anxiety stemming from my mentally & physically abusive childhood, and also from being in an extremely mentally & physically relationship with my children’s father (who turned out to be exactly like my dad) for 11 years (age 15-26). I met my husband when I was 26 and it took me a long time to learn what real love and respect looked like. And as I said, in the beginning things were wonderful. But I was always afraid it was too good to be true.

Lately I’ve been very sad and overwhelmed, sleeping a lot, crying, calling off work. We were texting about it yesterday, I felt calm and collected sharing my feelings and I feel like he just lost it. He says he won’t be my door mat anymore. He gets extremely offended when I say I feel like he doesnt care. This could be from times in the past when I was really struggling mentally but I’ve done a lot of work on myself and I feel like I’ve been so much better. I just feel like the weight of everything is too much. When I share how I feel it is always either A. I need to pray and seek God or B. deal with my trauma/mental health. I feel like there is no accountability on his end. As I’m writing this I feel silly for even asking for advice because I feel like I already know the answer. However, I do love him and when it is just us we do have a good time. But I want more, and my boys deserve more. He hardly speaks to his daughters unless they reach out first, and they deserve better too. With the holiday season, I see so many families with traditions and enjoying their time together and that is all I want. Am I beating a dead horse? This has gone on for years and he just can’t see where I’m coming from. I’m shutting down emotionally. After I came home last night and when he left for work this morning he acted like nothing even happened. I don’t want to fight, but I do need to be heard. Occasionally, after these fights he will try for a bit, then stop.

I’m the oldest of 4. My mom had me at 15, and 3 more before she was 21. She was a terrible mom and still is. She lies and manipulates and I struggle with neglect and abandonment issues because of her. I was changing my brothers diapers and washing dishes/doing household duties at 5 years old. She left us with my abusive father when I was 10 and I pretty much became the mom. I’m very independent. But I still feel like I can’t breathe. This was supposed to be my safe place and I no longer feel safe sharing how I feel. The thought of leaving with the way prices are scares me because it would be extremely difficult to do it alone and with 2 incomes my boys have a good life. A life I never had, with their own rooms, belongings, etc. We never fight or yell at eachother, they have a overall peaceful home.

When he comes home today I don’t want it to just be swept under the rug and I really don’t know where to go from here. I never share about my relationship but some outside perspective could really help, because I’m starting to feel crazy.

Thank you for reading. ❤

(**TLDR** I am depressed and overwhelmed. I feel like my husband isn’t the family man I thought he was. He’s a great partner when it is just us but we have a family. We both work full time, but I have so much more on my shoulders. When I talk about how I feel he tells me to pray about it. How do I help him take accountability and see that he needs to be more involved?