tl;dr: While dating her ex my girlfriend had an ongoing sexting relationship with her best friend at the time. That friend has recently re-entered her life, and she wants to continue having him as a friend. I don’t like the thought of it, but I also don’t want to deny her a friendship. Should I just draw a line in the sand, or should I find a way to be comfortable with this?
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I’ve been dating my girlfriend for almost two years now, and we were in a situationship of sorts for a few months before that. While we’ve had our ups and downs like any others, things have generally been going pretty great, to the point that marriage has been an ongoing discussion.
One issue we had a while back however, was with regards to her best friend. When we first started seeing each other, prior to being official, she had told me that she didn’t really believe in soulmates, with the exception of this friend, who she would have married if they had both been single at the same time.
Several months later, we decided to make things official, and shortly after she wanted to have a clear setting of boundaries, and she explained the reason why was because while in her previous long term relationship, she had wound up sexting multiple times with the previously mentioned friend. For context, I do consider this cheating, and that friend is now married. I don’t know what the friend’s relationship status was at the time.
This fact did cause some consternation in our relationship, and eventually she, on her own, but acting out of emotion during an argument, blocked him. After the aftermath of that argument calmed down, things started going great, for over a year.
However, recently she asked me for permission to call to leave a voicemail apologizing for disappearing. I said I was okay with this, and she did so, but he called back and they ended up having a bit of a conversation. The end result of this conversation, from what she told me, was that her friend had left it open to continue their friendship. I asked my girlfriend whether she wanted to, and she does.
But, this makes me pretty uncomfortable. I know the friend hasn’t told his spouse about the history of their friendship, which doesn’t help. I’ve shared my feelings on the subject, and I know that if I asked, she would block him again. At the same time, I know they were really good friends, even before things escalated, and that she does want to have that relationship in her life.
Doe anyone have any recommendations of what boundaries they would set? Right now I struggle with wanting her to be able to have her friendship back, but I also don’t like the thought of her continuing this friendship. Am I just being insecure in our relationship? I would really appreciate any thoughts on the subject.
17 comments
>Doe anyone have any recommendations of what boundaries they would set?
No cheating, no contact with exes or people cheated with seems like an insanely low bar.
>Right now I struggle with wanting her to be able to have her friendship back, but I also don’t like the thought of her continuing this friendship.
You need to switch your mindset — it’s not you denying her a friendship, it’s her wanting to disrespect your relationship and your boundaries.
>Am I just being insecure in our relationship?
No, you’re communicating clearly and establishing healthy boundaries and she is acting like she is more important in the relationship and your boundaries don’t matter.
>if I asked, she would block him again
You having to ask is a problem. It’s an unhealthy dynamic.
“If you continue this communication, it’s a clear sign of disrespect to our relationship.”
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Wow… this one is tough. You don’t want to come across as the controlling partner but she’s already stated and proven that this particular person is a potential land mine for any relationship. I would, at a minimum, set some absolutely rock solid boundaries with her and in your head. For example, something like this:
*”I want to be clear that given your past history with this person, I’m going to have significant concerns for a significant amount of time. There is no changing that. I’m not going to say you can’t be friends with him, but I also want to be absolutely clear that even a hint of an emotional affair with him, and I’m gone. There will be no second chances, there will be no recovery, the relationship will just be over. Are we in agreement and do I need to clarify what I mean by emotional affair?”*
For you, in your head, you need to be ready to accept that this landmine is hers to avoid, not yours. She either respects you and respects your relationship enough to stay true or she doesn’t. And if she doesn’t, she’s no longer a part of your life.
As far as clarifying an emotional affair, there’s the obvious things like sexting and inappropriate messages, but you should also include things like hiding messages and not being open about communicating in front of you. For example, leaving the room to answer a call from him is hiding the conversation. Deleting messages is hiding the conversation. And not shutting down inappropriate messages from him immediately and clearly is absolutely entertaining an affair.
Finally, if all of that sounds like too much, then just end it now. She’s already made clear that this person is like crack for her and she has already proven once that she would be a cheater for him. It’s easy to say from behind my keyboard, but I wouldn’t lose a minute of sleep leaving her behind because of this request.
So you’ve made a conscious choice to date a known cheater who is desperate to reach out to her affair partner, and you’re not sure what to do?
My guy.
Don’t let your girls “soulmate” come back in to your lives.
How is that even worth considering?
She cheated with this guy and still talked to him. I feel like she is going to chest on you, too, or already has.
C’mon, have some respect for yourself man.
Dude have some self respect. This girl is telling you she doesn’t value relationships and is happy to hang out with a guy who she cheated on her ex with.
There is no happy long term thing here. Run.
She can sext him and she can be your GF but she cannot do the former at the same time as doing the latter.
Ask her which she’d rather do: have him in her life or have you in her life. If she equivocates or tries to argue, fuck her off.
I would say if this was a throwaway that it is fake as who could be this naive. “My gf cheated with this guy and they weren’t talking. I opened the door up so they could start talking again. How should I feel?”
But since this account looks to be a main — wtf, Op? Either no contact with her and this friend or you leave. If your relationship was truly going as good as you say, why invite trouble back into the relationship?
For me it’s simple. The answer is NC with him. There is no way for them to stay in touch. She used the boiled frog tactic on you.
The fact that she is even still thinking about him should be a red flag. To me, this is starting to feel like she is on her way out, thinking about him and what she is missing out on.
Here is what. Tell her she can do whatever she please, that you would never try and tell her who she can be friends with or even if she wants to start sexting with him again. But as for you, you will not allow yourself to feel so disrespected and you don’t see a future with someone who would even consider it. That when you think of someone you want to grow old with, you don’t envision that person being friends with past sexual partners (sexting is sexual) So, you will make choices on what is best for you based on the choices she makes for herself.
Her decisions should take your feelings into consideration and she should want you to be comfortable, as should yours. What do they get out of being friends. Seeing him and communicating with him when she is with you is one thing, but privately is another. Is she missing his attention and validation?
>Should I just draw a line in the sand
Yes.
This is the guy shes proclaimed her soul mate – and cheated with in a previous relationship.
Point these things out for jer and tell her that yoire not ok with her talking to this guy.
And you really should consider breaking up with her if she disregards this boundary.
If she accepts it, be alert. And be aware theres a risk shell see him anyway – using friends or work as a cover.
Op she needs to be your ex
Lmao, these posts are becoming parodys now.
“My girlfriend had sex with everyone on my fantasy football team, while married to her ex and before settling down with me.
How do I tell her getting under the table during drafts makes me feel uncomfortable with all my friends moaning loudly like they are getting BJs without having to pretend I have any self-respect??”
Let her go have him then. It’s headed that direction anyway.
No, you’re not insecure, you’re being disrespected. There is no reason for her to remain in contact with an old fling. She’s still playing games.