I am a woman whos been married 10 years. My husband has never in the 10 years initiated sex. He waits for me to do it & sometimes rejects me sexually. We have good sex but he never initiates sexual interactions or comments. I want to feel desired. Ive been told by many men that i am attractive & i work hard to work out, take care of myself & look nice. Nothing makes a difference. Its like mu husband friend zones me. Hes perfect otherwise, my best friend. I have talked to him
And its likely sex drive, its always been this way but maybe im just tired of it. You cant fix that. Asking for random advise because i dont know what to do.
Any help? I could use advise, all i want is to feel wanted.
44 comments
Talk. To. Him. Communicate. Your. Feelings.
Your options are to talk it out together sans professional help or to go to couple’s counseling.
This may be stating the obvious, but have you asked him this question? Or explained to him that you feel don’t feel desired and would appreciate him initiating sex a little more often?
I am confused , so he was always like this , entire marriage nothing change , but now you want him to be different ? You knew who you married , and how is he is. Does he get boner still ? Does he still have sex with you ? If so he wants you. Man are not complicated.
Every guys different, without knowing the why there’s no way to tell you the what. Talk, communicate, ask him his feelings on sex both with you and in general. Maybe there’s an issue with him that he’s too embarrassed to share, or as painful as it may be to hear maybe it’s something he’d like different from you. Maybe he’s just not a sexual guy and is completely unaware of your needs. The list of possibilities could fill the entirety of Reddit, so just ask him.
You’re married, these are the conversations you both signed up for.
Either he’s just a low-libido guy, its not a priority to him, or he doesn’t want to be “forceful” . Just talk to him and NOT strangers on the internet about it. He’s the only one who can accurately say why he’s doing this
My partner and I are both low libido. I really don’t think she understands how destructive never showing a sign of wanting me is to my mental health. When she does initiate I will raise myself from the dead to meet her energy where she is. I want to ask for couples therapy because while I enjoy what we have, I’m not particularly thrilled with the idea of being in this position for the rest of my life.
Play nfs most wanted and you’ll feel more wanted than ever.
Put him in a chastity cage for a week
Without seeing into his head to understand his reasoning, I can’t tell you how to proceed. I think it’s likely that if you haven’t figured out a solution in 10 years, there likely isn’t one coming, though.
I don’t want to make wild guesses or assumptions. One possible explanation is that your husband has experienced a traumatic sexual or social event, which has made him hesitant to initiate. Another possibility is that your husband could have a unique sexuality. Another is that *he* feels unattractive or sexually incompetent, and may not want to initiate for these reasons. I am told that certain asexual people enjoy sexual pleasure, but do not have the drive to go out and seek sexual gratification on their own.
Does your husband engage in other sexual activity, such as watching porn and/or masturbating?
Have you asked him if he prefers it when you initiate?
Settle for an acceptable rhythm even if it’s below your personal drive. Practice sports, masturbate. Take into account that intimacy goes beyond sex and marriages/relationships tend to converge to a state of less frantic sexual activity.
Man think he wants sex every day until he meets a woman who wants sex every day. Woman complains about men being obsessed with sex until she meets a man who doesn’t care about it.
If your husband doesn’t feel a necessity in sex and that isn’t caused by some health issues you have little to no chances of changing things. So it’s up to you to decide how is it important for you to not always be an initiator. I would personally suggest get along with it because you mentioned that every other aspect is fine as well as sex itself. A need to initiate the process doesn’t seem like a big trade off.
He needs to go see a doctor and get a full blood and hormone panel.
I’d be willing to bet there’s low T at play, or he’s overweight, lacking in good diet and fitness. A guy who sits on his ass and eats bad food on the reg is not going to want sex much. But then again, you also said its been like this for 10 years…
Maybe its time to ask him for a discreet hall pass with someone who can take care of your needs, with rules being that you won’t go places you go as a couple, he doesn’t have to, or need to know about it, you won’t put his health at risk, won’t risk pregnancy, and won’t embarrass him.
It probably has more to do with him than you. He might not feel attractive or he might have low testosterone. Getting him to feel better about himself may be difficult. Food and exercise could be a place to start. Weight training, high intensity cardio like rowing or sprinting, and a high protein, low carb/sugar lifestyle is where I would start. Try doing athletic activities together. You could also try dressing more provocatively at home from time to time, if you feel comfortable doing that to see if that kickstarts anything.
And have him get his testosterone checked.
ok so obvious question after this remark “My husband has never in the 10 years initiated sex. ”
what makes you think he will just choose to suddenly start initiating? This maybe a situation which you are both sexually incompatible.
This might not work, but it’s worth trying. I read about it online – try scheduling sex. Yes it sounds like it’s taking all the spontaneity out of it, but setting a date makes it something you both get to look forward to instead of you always setting the time and being disappointed.
I would recommend having a good heart to heart with him and also doing a few sessions of therapy. He might have some stuff that he needs to deal with he definitely needs to understand you better. You need to feel understood and value. He needs to know exactly how important it is that he begin initiating and beyond that, communicating that he does desire you.
You guys love each other but you’re not in a healthy space right now, it can be better. He owes you all the therapy sessions you want at this point. There’s a big deficit for him to pay off. You never really can pay off the past, but you can invest in a better future. It’s time.
My recommendation is counseling, and possibly a sex therapist if it’s a sex thing.
couple’s counseling
Just give him drugs that make him hornier other than that you can’t control him to fuck this is crazy when chicks say they aren’t in the mood ever it’s All good we are pushy but when a chick wants it something is wrong with the guy. Seriously if he is down make him take some drugs to be hornier all the time, like testosterone, or melanotan 2. Otherwise tell him you want him to initiate sometimes and that’s literally all you can do if he doesn’t like sex he doesn’t like sex you should’ve picked a partner that will rail you out in a library bathroom or a Walmart parking lot
Sounds like a question for him. Why doesn’t he? Have him tell you why and see what you can do to help.
You said he’s always been like this. Seems weird 10+ years in you want to change it. Did you not want to feel wanted before? Why wait so long to try and address it?
Could be addicted to porn and he’s doing it himself each night and likely an embarrassing topic for him but he doesn’t see it hurting the relationship. Might not be it, but I’ve seen it happen
Maybe he’s gay… or has something else going on. But something is definitely up
Ask him, not us.
Initiating is a man thing. I’m putting a lot of shades of grey in there because it feels nice to be initiated upon etc etc and it’s a good thing. But back to it, initiating is a man thing. So your need to be initiated upon, and feel desired praised and wanted is perfectly fine. Just like passivity is a girl thing. So you have a hard time being in your feminine if he doesn’t do his masculine part, and that’s gonna wear you down and eventually make your hard, robotic and more masculine which is not something you’re gonna enjoy.
I have no advice for you, giving you a perspective. You’re in a bit of a pickle. I have no idea what to suggest you. Breaking up seems like a bad idea. Changing him is not in your power, and he’s always been like that. I have absolutely no idea what to say to do. What I would do is break up for incompatibility reasons, because for me it makes me absolutely mad and unloved and unwanted and I would eventually freak the fuck out and start stabbing at the relationship itself. If he’s willing to work it out I’d be open, but otherwise the fish is dead. I can
give a small hint that it looks like ptsd trauma and some part of him didn’t grow up and stayed boyish and another part of him is scared of rejection and not being good enough, but if you’re still that scared of your wife of 10 years that’s fucked top and might be leaning towards a thing where there is no love.
Sadly your solution is going to be acceptance. Have to talks about fantasies and what he would like to try, go down this path rather than just believing he initiated then everything would be perfect.
never wanting sex? has he considered the possibility of being ace? (speaking as an asexual myself)
I am like this with women, I have an extremely hard time trying to initiate with women due to the mental abuse from my mother and not growing up around any “healthy” female family members, so for me it’s very hard to tell when women are receptive to advances or not.
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Maybe politely ask him or his doc if he can get his testosterone levels checked.
Otherwise, dress sexy, and tease, but resist making a move until he does. Sext, flirt, dirty talk, etc.
Some personal questions – is he on meds? SSRIs will suck the sex drive out of you faster than a…you get it.
Changes in diet? Changes in work (office as opposed to in person)?
All of these things can contribute to it. I know you said it was on going, but any of these factors could be adding to it.
My advice would be to take the “initiating” out of it. Just set aside some time every week where you guys maybe play some kinda game to get the mood going…dice (with sensual actives…not numbers), naked dinners, massage nights.
This way, it will likely happen, but there won’t necessarily be “I initiated again” type thoughts.
Sometimes, couples just need to rediscover a flame they lost or maybe never knew they had.
Regardless, I wish yall the best of luck!
Well, what do you actually look like and him?
Are you sure you know a lack of desire is the root cause?
He is just using you for something other than his attraction to you. So either, you’re just a roommate or meal ticket or just an aspect of his social image. Or you are his surrogate mother. There is no way this can happen in a normal relationship. Normal is the man is always going to want more sex. There is no way for a man to stay around a girl he wants to have sex with without trying to have sex all the time once it’s a possibility. No way. No way. No how.
Have you tried buying some outfits to tease him in?
Might not be for all guys, but that stuff never fails catch a reaction out of me.
Failing that…. Strap on and give him two choices. Fuck or be fucked.
I don’t have advice for making him want you but I think you should end things with him soon. You’re most likely going to end up cheating on him.
There are so many things that could cause this symptom.
The first that come to mind are depression, trauma, and/or sexual orientation.
I have been severely unhealthy and having sex made me feel like I was going to have a heart attack, which gave me anxiety, which made me avoid it, until I fixed the problem. I have also been depressed and just didn’t make an effort unless my wife did first. There could be some underlying trauma or conditioning from some past unhealthy relationship. He might just be gay.
There are too many different possible causes and we are just throwing darts in the dark. You need to talk to him (I’m sure you’ve tried) and he needs to talk to someone else (professional).
Was he like this in the beginning? If so, changing a guy never works. If he wasn’t, you need to talk to him.
When he’s next to you, just start fingering yourself
Testosterone therapy is an option for men with low libido. I know many guys that have great results with a few testosterone shots throughout the year. If it’s in the insurance plan, it should be considered.
I hope to not sound cliche, but it’s not on you to always initiate sex. You should feel sexy and desired at the end of the day.
Maybe try not initiating for a long period of time and see where it goes or try to tease him into it. Drive him crazy and see what happens. Hopefully this helps and you both experience a desired outcome.
He should go on TRT. Testosterone Replacement Therapy. Might have really low T levels. Have him get a blood test to see where he’s at
Time for new husband
Does he have a stressful job? Do you nag or belittle him an anyway? Do you make him second guess his decisions? Do you shoot down any ideas he has or do you alway suggest a different idea that you think is better? Do you make him feel like what ever he does it’s not quite good enough? These are just some of the things that made me not to want to have sex with my wife. We’ve worked though most of those issues in our 26 years but still on those days when she nags, etc. I won’t have sex with her.
I had an issue like this with my girlfriend (now wife), it was tricky because for me, my sex drive changed over time and got lower and lower and I got to the point where I just didn’t have any interest in sex.
Eventually, I ended up getting a blood test and found I had very very low testosterone, so i’m on TRT (Testosterone Replacement Therapy) now and boy oh boy, did that bring the sex drive back and my wife is much happier now. 🙂
Men are visual. Upload your pic unless you wanna hear sugarcoated bs