Some background. The woman I just had sex with and I have been flirting on and off for 10 years since freshmen year of high school. There’s always been a lot of attraction and tension between us but due to some less than stellar communication in high school and college our relationship has swung between periods of being very affectionate or non-communicative over the years. A few months ago we started getting to know each other again after not talking for the entirety of the pandemic. Recently we matched on tinder and I decided to ask her out.
We had a really good date which culminated in us going back to her apartment and having some amazing sex. It was so cathartic, probably the best sex of my life in the moment and I think it ranked pretty high for her too. We were both so into each other and revelling in this ultimate release of tension ten years in the making.
After we finish, I try to move into some post-sex snuggling and she starts flinching away from my touch. I ask her what’s wrong and she tells me that she feels absolutely nothing between us and that having sex was probably a mistake. She goes on to tell me that she’d just gotten out of a years-long relationship which ended with a very significant sexual trauma, that she thought she was ready to rebound but she was wrong, and that she’s feeling pretty numb after having sex with me. There’s nothing I could say to help her, I asked her if she needed a hug and she said no, I asked her if I needed to leave and she said yes. I made sure she was as safe as she could be and I left.
I guess I’m writing this to process the whole thing. The emotional whiplash I’m feeling is incredibly intense. I have no anger or resentment for this woman at all, I feel incredibly guilty for triggering her and dredging up these awful memories for her. If I’d known what she was going through then sex would’ve been off the table without a doubt. I’m so fucking sad and feeling kinda useless, all I wanted to do was help her and comfort her but anything I did other than leaving just made it worse.
I’m giving her all the space she needs for as long she needs it, but I can’t help but feel like I’ve completely blown up our friendship and that we’re never going to talk again. I’m scared that when she sees me or talks to me she’s going to reexperience the trauma again. I know that when and if we talk again is totally up to her and I don’t know what to do from here.
ETA: Thanks for the helpful replies y’all. I totally neglected to add that she apologized multiple times last night. It didn’t occur to me to mention that because I didn’t feel like she had anything to apologize for in the moment. She sent me a more thorough apology about an hour ago with the hope that we can still be friends. In retrospect, I went into this with feelings that were way too complicated for a hookup totally regardless of the way she reacted. I didn’t put any thought into what I was hoping for in the aftermath or how rejection would potentially make me feel in the long run and that was a mistake. It probably would’ve been best if this just remained a fantasy.
25 comments
I have no advice for you, but want to reassure you that you did the right thing by listening and honouring her wishes and needs at the time. Try not to feel guilty, as you didn’t know she would be triggered- and it sounds like she didn’t either.
Keep giving her the power and space. The reality is the friendship may be gone, and that is unfortunate, but it may also not be if you continue to be so respectful and you are a safe person to her. Find a friend to talk it through as well. Best of luck to you. I’m sorry that you’re hurt by this experience.
I’ve had a similar experience on the girls side with a previous partner. I had gone through some sexual trauma in the past which made me extremely reluctant to be touched in that way at all.
I just want you to know, you should not feel guilty or useless because you are not. Nothing that happened after or what she was feeling was your fault, you respected her boundaries extremely well and even though she was feeling uncomfortable, when I was in her place it still was a small comfort that my newer partner respected that I was going through a lot even if he didn’t really understand. From what you’ve said here, even though the situation sucks, I’d say you’ve dealt with it very maturely and well.
When/If she feels comfortable talking about it again, I would let her know that you’re there for her and there is no pressure for anything sexual or romantic nor do you ever expect there to be. Reassure her that you can go at her pace. (This is also only if you *do* want to be there for her, working through trauma is difficult and not everyone is in the position to be able to handle that which is completely fine)
I’m probably getting downvoted for this one ,but my advice is stay the fuck away. There is nothing wrong in what you did. That lady needs to deal with her issues and that will take time. Don’t be someone’s rebound. If you were to continue with her, she would transfer all that trauma to the relationship.
Some stones better left unturned my friend.
She needs to know you are giving her space as opposed to ghosting her.
When you wish to have sex with your high school crush. On a monkey’s paw.
Your second paragraph, where you said you had cathartic, amazing sex: You only “think” it was similarly transcendent and fulfilling for her, but she clearly told you afterwards she considers it a mistake.
Dont pursue. Walk away and let her come back to you. But don’t wait for that – life is too short.
Don’t worry about her mental issues, its her problem. Don’t get dragged into being her shoulder to cry on.
If she want to fuck, then fuck, but she is putting up walls on you and I suggest you do the same.
Tell her you loved the sex and think she’s amazing but make it clear you’re moving on and wish her the best with her issues and leave it at that.
I’d text her something like “hey I enjoyed our time together. I’m gonna give you some space because it seems like you have a lot to work out and I don’t want to add to what you’re going through.”
Then I’d get fucked off. Seems like she’s got way too much going on.
I think you were used because you were available to be used. There’s a scene in Thomas Mann’s book “Felix Krull, Confidence Man” that has a rich woman who wants to degrade herself so she seduces the bell boy who carries her bags up to her room. He thinks that she was overcome by lust because of his good looks and he wants a relationship with her and she’s thinking this is the most disgusting thing ever. It’s a hilarious scene because both are so far from each other’s true thoughts and when he confesses to her how he feels about her she is even more disgusted and gives him a tip and sends him away.
Talk about a long game. But yeah it’s not at all your fault. You had no way of knowing and she agreed to everything. And I’m guessing she’s not actually mad at you, just mad and stressed and anxious at everything so it was easiest to get you to go away. After some time she might hit you up again, but let it be for now.
I really hate when people can’t seem to sort their own shit out, and then end up doing something like this and hurting another person in the process. I feel for her, I do. But she made a dumb decision in this and it is not your fault. You reacted appropriately. Let her go.
Stay so far away from
Love women that love you
> I guess I’m writing this to process the whole thing. The emotional whiplash I’m feeling is incredibly intense. I have no anger or resentment for this woman at all, I feel incredibly guilty for triggering her and dredging up these awful memories for her.
What I’m going to say may sound unusual but please take a moment to consider it, perhaps let it sit in the back of your mind rather than accept or reject it any time soon. I would have an emotional reaction to this experience for sure, as I believe nearly anyone would. I think that it’s fair to say that you do feel hurt and angry, and you are deflecting that energy back on yourself, subconsciously but not on a deep level. It’s a nearly conscious choice, based on what you know about her and your respect and affection for her. You don’t direct any resent toward her because you care for her and don’t think she deserves any more pain. Of course, she doesn’t deserve pain, but it’s OK for you to be honest with yourself that she, in fact, mistreated you, albeit with her own very good reasons and in ways that can be excused–though an apology from her would be very fitting. However I would not expect that soon if only because it could easily be interpreted as an invitation back in her life. It sound like she’s too wounded at this point to do that and, frankly, even if invited I’d warn you away. She needs therapy, not a lover, at this point.
I’m struck by the thought that the better the sex was for her, the more it reminded her of the best of what she had with her ex, and how traumatically and harmfully that relationship ended.
Clearly she wasn’t ready to hook up with someone that there was any chance of an emotional connection. We can forgive her that since the desire to connect with someone that she would safe with is very understandable.
I hope you have some folks to talk this out with IRL. Especially if your feelings of guilt persist or intensify.
> but I can’t help but feel like I’ve completely blown up our friendship and that we’re never going to talk again.
Don’t regret this part. You were always going to drift apart. If you had not matched on tinder you would likely have never spoken each other again anyway.
It doesn’t matter if it is sexual or completely platonic, it takes significant effort and constant maintenance to maintain teen friendships into your 20s and beyond. The sad capstone to it doesn’t change what was always going to happen, nor what came before.
She doesn’t want to deal with her sexual trauma but she’s on tinder?
Move on…. she’s clearly got issues that gave nothing to do with you
You should never even be friends with someone who thinks it’s ok to use you like a rebound. To add insult to injury you’re someone she have known for much of her life. Her apologies are worth nothing.
Had something similar happen to me with someone in May, great time, felt a great connection, and then after instant rejection due to past sexual trauma she told me about right after that she wasn’t sure if she could move past. I understood and did my best to be there however I could, but was ghosted and never spoken to again after she told me to text her when I was back from a work trip and wanted to see me again originally when I dropped her back at her place. So confusing to have feelings that I thought were mutual and never get any kind of closure when my female friends all agree I didn’t do anything wrong given the circumstances.
My advice if you want to stay friends is to give her the space she needs, offer to be there as a friend when she’s ready, and do not assume the relationship can be repaired. If you don’t, don’t fall into months of negative coping mechanisms like I did trying to figure out what I did “wrong.” You can show up for someone and be there and do the best you can, but they need to take your help on their own decision.
Good luck ❤️
Sucks that she wasn’t in the headspace for having sex. It wasn’t you of course. She would have felt that way with anyone. Sexual trauma is rough. Best you can do is leave her alone and hope she gets the help she needs.
Having sex with someone you’ve had sexual tension for many years and finally being able to release that is one of the best feelings ever!
The actual friendship is probably dead, but that’s just as much her fault as it is yours. She might come around to you, but yeah, don’t pursue.
If she does reach out, you should be explicitly honest about your feelings. No more half-assed communication. “Hey, I like you, I can’t be friends with you without liking you. I felt that way for a while.” If she doesn’t like that, move on.
FURTHER. Do not let her string you along. If she’s playing games where she wants to remain friends but still flirts, she’s leading you on. Fuck that. Get out of that situation. It’s grueling.
Good luck buddy.
It sounds like you were rebound sex and she had some post-nut clairity. From what you’ve written, you’ve done nothing wrong. And it sounds like you’re a good guy.
Where you want to go with this is up to you. If you want to keep the friendship, just be honest about it. Obviously, reset the physicality and intimacy since that’s triggering and she’s obviously not in the right mindset for it. Be forthcoming about your intentions of maintaining the friendship.
I think there’s still potential for a healthy, intimate relationship but you need to reset and go about things way more slowly and make sure she’s ready before moving forward.
I just ate a big piece of apple crumb pie. I really wanted to eat it. I just finished it…now I regret it a little. These things happen.
> It didn’t occur to me to mention that because I didn’t feel like she had anything to apologize for in the moment.
Correct, and neither do you. I hope you didn’t leave her apologies hanging, she is probably devastated at her own reaction and more anxious by the hour at your lack of response.
Brother, it was a learning moment for both of you. There’s no need for guilt on either parties.