Hi reddit,
I’m going to make this short.
I see my boyfriend on the weekends and everytime he wants to go out. Restaurants, Bars, meeting up with friends/family.
I’m extremly introverted and hate to go out all the time. I would be good with going out 1 or 2 times a year!
The constantly going out and constantly being asked about this, is mentally draining.
I already talked to him about this, I even told him to pls get his need to go out taken care of with his friends. But I think that didn’t stick like it should have.
So I want to sit him down and talk about this very seriously. But how do I get my message across? How do I get him to understand that I hate going out and that he keeps asking me for it?
Tldr: Bf like to go out, I hate it. How to navigate this and tell him?
Thank you for reading.
Edit: We have been together for 2 years.
15 comments
You can simply say no and choose to not go. It is annoying that he keeps asking and that is certainly concerning that he isn’t seemingly taking you seriously, so what you need to decide is if this is break-up worthy for you? It’s been 2 years and you are not asking a difficult thing of him, so assuming he will never stop constantly asking you to go out when you don’t want to, you need to tell him if it’s something you will actually end the relationship over.
Because if it’s not, you have agreed to continue to put up with this behavior
>How do I get him to understand that I hate going out and that he keeps asking me for it?
You just say that. He understands English, right? I’m a total stranger and I understand that *immediately*! It’s not a complicated concept. So if you tell him that and if he keeps pushing or “not understanding”, the problem isn’t that he doesn’t understand, not really, it’s that he doesn’t *care*.
That said, relationships involve some give and take, and while yes he should understand your feelings, you should also understand his and try and meet in the middle. You’re allowed to hate going out, but he should be allowed to ask you – there’s no cost to you saying “no”. My wife’s more introverted than I am, we’ve also got kids so babysitting adds a whole layer of hassle to going out. If I’m going out with friends I’ll always ask her if she wants to come, knowing she’ll almost always say no, but the offer is there. That’s not me trying to make her do something she doesn’t want to do, that’s me showing that she’s a part of the decision, she’s welcome to come, etc. So try and reframe your thinking about his offers to go out as not him trying to drag you out of your comfort zone, but simply including you.
It’s tricky of course if you *only* see each other at weekends, because yes you should have time together, but often the weekends are the only good times to see friends/family as well. So if you never wanting to do things with other people means he has to spend all his time with you or not see you at all, that’s a bit of a problem.
Ultimately there has to be some compromise. You don’t need to go out all the time, but nor should he stay in all the time. He can ask you less if it bothers you, but recognise his intention of asking you is being inclusive, not just persuasive. If you can’t find a middle ground at all then you might just be incompatible.
Unless he pushes back when you say no; then I don’t fault him for asking you everytime he wants to go out. If you don’t want to go you’ll say no and maybe one day you’ll say yes.
>I would be good with going out 1 or 2 times a year!
This is literally break up worthy. I understand that you might not want to go out, but imagine how your boyfriend feels being rejected all the time? It seems that you are maybe not compatible
Tell him what you just typed here
I’ll give you my example. I’m same as you. I dont like going out for every weekend. I have a small group of friends, only three. My boyfriend is opposite of me. However he understands how I feel. He asks me in case if I want to tag along and I answers depending upon how tired I feel.
As long as he is not bouncing back at you, not being angry at you for not joining him for the hangout, I think it is fine. However he should always understand how your social life works. If not, then he is not following your boundaries.
Is there any reason why after being together for two years you’re still only seeing each other on the weekend? Could he go out with family and friends on the weekend and chill with you on a weeknight?
You don’t “get” him to understand.
When he asked and you’re drained…say no. When he ask why…I don’t feel up to it. If he pushes “I said I don’t want to…can you respect my decision.”
If he still pushes you have bigger problems.
But how willing is he to stay in and just chill with you? If he just takes and takes but never gives back, that’s a red flag too
My husband is an introvert and hates going out…he loves gaming, snuggles, movie, etc.
I was an extrovert and I wanted to go out every week with friends and family.
However, with years, we fought about this part where going out became a chore because he got irritated after a while of me always asking.
I realized later that he doesn’t go out with me. It doesn’t mean he hates me…its just it is his personality, and I should love him like he is.
So I decided more and more to spend time with him and slowly avoided going out and planned gaming nights and netflix and other things. I started enjoying, and the side effect was… now I have become introverted and hate going out.
Also, yes, it was daunting to always hear no from him and force him to go out. But today I am the same, the friends keep calling but I’ll rather stay with him.
My advice…it will take time for him to understand that you are an introvert. Also, being an extriverted person, it might be next to impossible for him to understand why you want to stay at home all the time. If he really loves you, with time, he will understand the concept, but you are just 2 yrs together, so it’s a long way. Try to communicate with him and make him understand why you prefer being at home. I know how daunting it must be for you to be always asked… I know that feeling now… I hate when people invite me because saying no all the time becomes so burdensome for me.
I have made my friends understand I am like this and I won’t come out often, but I do meet them twice a year. They have finally accepted us as we are.
Just communicate and explain to him how your introvert mind works. I am sure he takes energy from meeting people and you from staying at home. We are 14 yrs together.
Does he realize you are an introvert? You need to make him aware that being introvert and going out all the time drains your energy and weekends are meant to take care of yourself..
Break up??? Like, please. You are both so drastically different socially, what on earth do you think you have to offer long-term? You will go through so much strain mentally and physically from being forced to go out so much, and he will suffer mentally and physically from being forced to stay in so much. He doesn’t seem like a person who wants to be away from his partner like that. He wants to go out WITH you. Be WITH you. You just want it inside and he wants it outside. It would be better to split now and save both of yourselves the sanity.
When he says, “hey, friend is having a party Saturday, we should go?” you reply, “no thanks, I’m feeling like I want to take this weekend to recharge, but you should definitely go and have a great time!” Do that as often as you want.
I had the opposite problem. I am the extrovert and my ex is the introvert, though he doesn’t like to use that word. He loves to stay at home doing his own thing. I think the hard part for me is, I really wanted to show him off! I was so proud of him, he’s gorgeous! I loved being out as a couple, but it was very hard to get him to do so. It made me feel like we weren’t a couple sometimes.
I can’t really give advice as I never managed to come to common ground with him, but factor in the possibility that he may be very proud of you and want to show you off. Maybe you could arrange dates just you and him, where you get to dress up and go somewhere that you like, somewhere quiet. Men are so visual. As for meeting with friends and family, be clear that it isn’t about them, it’s just that while social interaction charges him up, it drains you and the key word “Safe” may help him understand, that you feel safe and comfortable when it’s just the two of you and uncomfortable when you have to interact.
To me, this is a big incompatability. I would be your boyfriend in this scenario. Because of being an extrovert and having Shared Experiences as one of my top Love Languages, it would be important for my significant other to share in those activities with me. And, it would feel very lonely to be with someone who wanted to remain home all of the time.
But, that is just me. He may feel differently. Hoepfully, you can care less that he is asking and recognize that he is doing so to include you. But, you also both need to explore and talk about how he is feeling about these topics. If he is ok when you stay home or want him to do so too, great. If not, then you have to find a compromise to stay together or you need to realize that you may be better off as friends and need to find someone who better fits your own style/approach.