I’m 25F and was raised Catholic. I was told I should save myself for marriage. I don’t consider myself very religious now but have stuck with wanting to wait for marriage for personal reasons (I have viewed it as something special I want to experience only with my husband).
However, these days I’ve been questioning my decision. I have never been in a relationship but last year I was seeing a guy 7 years older than me. I told him about my wanting to wait and he said he had no issue with it. He asked if there were other things we could do though (besides kissing, like touching, oral, etc). And tbh I didn’t really know what kind of boundaries to set. I think being raised and told that sex before marriage is bad is quite toxic and has given me a negative mindset about sex (like if I don’t end up waiting I will feel super guilty about it; although I’m working on it lol). I ended up telling him I would be okay with everything but penetration when I’m comfortable enough. Because I was so attracted to him as well I started thinking maybe I didn’t actually want to wait. We never got that far as things didn’t end up working out but I was hoping someone could give me their thoughts/opinions on this or if they’ve been in a similar situation? If you decided to no longer wait do you regret it?
If I still decide to wait, does it defeat the purpose of waiting if I do everything else but penetration? (I don’t think I’d be okay with just kissing, I would need more). A part of me also thinks sexual compatibility is important in marriage and obviously if you don’t do anything besides kissing then you won’t really know if you’re sexually compatible.
I think another reason I have wanted to wait is because I don’t want to get pregnant before getting married. I’m so indecisive about this though lol and I feel like I should be firm about whatever decision I make before I get into a relationship.
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I wanted marriage at 20 but after that disastrous engagement I am so glad I never got married.
If you point to the interpretation of the bible or some other Catholic church doctrine by the Pope or your priest as your standard of living then that’s one thing.
If you want to pick apart the definition of sex in order to live the life you want then that’s another thing. There is that Bill Clinton who got a BJ and claimed it was not sex.
In my opinion, it is always good to question what has been dictated on what I should belief in to see if it fits. I consider this as part of us (intellectually) growing up. To blindly accept something does your religion a disservice IMO.
It is good to examine what does this particular act mean to you and in the context of your religion.
BTW anyone I have talked with who are “lapsed” Catholics talk about their lifetime of guilt.
Wait until you meet the one you want to marry, but dont wait until he proposes. That hardly ever happens any more.
Without sounding harsh. Never wait for something that you think will make you happy. You or they could be dead in a week and would you wish you’d just done it? People put a lot of emphasis on sex but honestly it’s not that big if a deal. It’s a bit of fun between 2 adults. Either you want to or you don’t, don’t let anyone else make that decision for you. Any religious people try call you on it just remind them that it’s all part of God’s plan for you to get laid. Or tell them Mary was a teenage single mum and they worship her. Plenty of throwback for them.
My opinion, in a nutshell, is that if you don’t consider yourself very religious anymore then you should! Having a negative outlook on sex is a very common thing with people who were raised catholic.
You seem like you want to have sex and you want it to be special, not necessarily that you want to wait until marriage. Meet a nice guy, be in the same level, fall in love and then have sex. You need some type of security and that is completely reasonable!
My boyfriend was raised catholic and lost his virginity a few years ago. He never regretted having sex, just the people he chose to do it with.
I mean maybe this is because I’m queer but doing everything but PIV to me…. Is still sex. If you are actively touching someone’s genitals/body with the explicit goal of turning them on enough to have an orgasm, that is sex. When I’m sleeping with another cis girl, our sex is almost entirely all this “other” stuff – ie, penetration with a “dick” is not usually on the list. And it’s still sex. These loops and work arounds of saying “well I’m still a virgin/haven’t had sex because a penis has not entered my vagina” just seem on the same lines of a five year old waving a hand in front of someone else’s face saying “I’m not touching you you can’t get mad”. If you want to wait until marriage for PIV, that’s your choice and I’m 100% always in support of a woman making choices for her body. But be honest and an adult about your sexual choices, not like a teenager trying to justify that she’s still *technically* (😉😉) a virgin.
As to the religious aspect and guilt of waiting for marriage, I can’t really help you with that. I’ve never had that classic catholic/religious guilt around sex. But also know your self worth is not defined by the presence of a man. Also, risks of pregnancy are very low if you are properly using birth control on his end and your end. Ask your local Planned Parenthood or equivalent for help if you’re not sure how birth control works
I think that it’s probably worth taking a careful inventory of what your ethical and religious beliefs about sex and marriage actually are at this point. Do you think that premarital sex is wrong because of the Biblical and Aristotelian reasoning behind the Catholic theology of the body or for some other reason? Figuring out what you really think is right and wrong will let you think through whether or not you think that non-penetrative sex is ethical— and also whether or not you still want to wait for marriage.
FWIW, birth control methods like IUDs, hormonal contraceptive pills, and even using condoms every time you have sex are highly effective at preventing pregnancy. If you’re okay with contraception, unplanned pregnancy is pretty unlikely.
I’m 34F and I’m still a virgin waiting for marriage. I have definitely dealt with balancing my boundaries and decision to wait with my high level of sexual desire and drive.
I have gone further than I have wanted to with a guy before. I let him see my boobs and put his hands on them and play with them. I didn’t want him touching my privates and I didn’t want to touch his. Because I knew if it reached that point that I would be unable to stop. I would want to continue to get sexual until we eventually had sex together.
If you have any questions or want to talk more about it you can send me a message.
Your reasoning only has to make sense to yourself. It is your body and you get to decide what happens to it.
Having said that like other people have said you can use protection if you are worried about getting pregnant before marriage.
Or just do everything else but not virginal sex so that is saved and you can’t get pregnant before marriage.
I too am religious but I didn’t save myself and I am glad that I didn’t as I have learned that everyone is different and how others see and share love in life.
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Sex is great. You should go for it