TL;dr Hi I am 30 (F) and my boyfriend is 31 (M), we have been together for almost 2 years, but have known each other for almost 5 years. When I first met him he was going through a divorce of a marriage that lasted about 2 years. We were immediately attracted to each other but obviously he was not ready for a relationship, so nothing serious came of it.
A few years down the road we started seriously dating and it is by far the best relationship I have been in. Except for one issue, he is unsure if he wants to ever get married again, because of the amount of pain and trauma he went through in his divorce. He also does not want to move in together until he figures out if he wants to get married again. I have never been married, so I can only imagine the pain that comes with divorce and have done my best to be as empathetic as possible, but I also want to start a life with him.
He started individual therapy a few months ago, and has suggested we start couples therapy to try and work through this. I know he cares deeply about me and doesn’t want to have the fears he does about marriage, but it is definitely putting a strain on our relationship the further along we get. I struggle whether I should get out of the relationship now, or if I should give him more time to see if he can work through his trauma. I am afraid of being that dumb girl who should have left when he first said “I don’t know” or if I would be dumb to give up when he is still trying. Any advice? Please be kind.
Summary: my boyfriend of almost 2 years is afraid to get married after an unsuccessful marriage in his early twenties. Should I give him time or get out of the relationship?
11 comments
34M here, also previously married with no intention of ever getting married again.
My situation may be different but effectively was never keen on the idea of marriage to begin with and find the institution as a whole problematic. I find it to be a way of trapping you in a relationship rather than as a way of affirming it, I find most people often conflate the idea of marriage with the wedding and don’t ever really look past that. That being said there are certain legal protections that come with marriage that are certainly advantageous I just think that most people would benefit more feom an individualized contract than a marriage cert.
The fact that he is getting therapy and wants to include you on that is very promising and definitely a good sign and bodes well.for your future together. overall though I think as part of that process you may also benefit from reflecting on what you want that future to look like and whether you would still like it to include him if marriage wasn’t on the table.And if that isn’t the case then why marriage is a deal breaker for you and what it brings to the table that you think makes it so important
I understand his apprehension. But that fact that he’s getting therapy and even suggested couples’ counseling suggests that he’s sincerely trying to work on his issues. In light of that my gut feeling is to tell you to give it more time. Meanwhile, be loving and supportive without pressuring him. Now, if he wasn’t getting any kind of therapy and was showing no interest in trying to make progress then my answer might be different. You don’t have to get married right away and you certainly don’t need to cohabitate in order to have a good relationship.
You’re not dumb :). He’s taking steps to fix the problem. It’s okay to give him time. Relationship trauma is very real and therapy can fix it (especially trauma focused therapy).
Only you can decide how long you want to wait for something like this but I generally think as long as the other person is trying to resolve issues and making progress its worth it to wait it out.
It seems to me as though he has some genuine trauma related to marriage. He’s already started therapy of his own accord and he’s also suggested couples therapy which suggests to me that he loves you, he realises that this is a problem that lies with him and he genuinely wants to try to work through it.
I’m not going to tell you what you should or shouldn’t do because I feel like there’s no right or wrong course of action in this situation. You’re not in a toxic situation, you’re just with someone who’s been through the wringer and is trying to get better. Whether or not you stick it out and see what happens is up to you. But I don’t think that it would necessarily be a mistake to give it a bit more time and try couples therapy.
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I think its comes down to giving yourself permission to go for what you want as well.
While they sound fairly genuine I just want to highlight a dynamic in this which is potentially unhealthy – in which because they are the one with their hand on the brakes this does give them some extra power in the relationship.
It just all seems a bit manipulative it my eyes, like he is dangling the carrot of him ‘getting over his marriage trauma’ I’m not saying he’s lying about the issue, but its very entitled to have a partner and be saying “maybe I will, maybe I won’t we’ll just have to wait and see”
Does this mean he also does not want to have children with you? Is that a deal breaker for you? You are not dumb at all but ve very clear in councillors what you want and if it differs from what he is prepared to give then make your exit. You might regret not giving him a bit of extra time if you both really live each other.
My partner went through a very traumatic divorce, and let me know when we met in Sept 2021 that he never wanted to get married again. I had been through a nasty one myself, and felt the same.
We’re eloping next week, ahead of our wedding next year.
Obviously that is just us and doesn’t mean the same will happen for anyone else. But something it sounds like we both had in common with your guy is that we recognized our feelings about marriage were the product of our trauma, we both had a genuine desire to resolve that trauma for the sake of our relationship, and we were willing to put in the work to do so.
He’s in therapy and suggested couples therapy and those are both really strong signs that he has the self awareness he needs and is willing to do the work required to get past his trauma. He seems to really want to give you the relationship you want, and some part of him must want it to if he’s trying to resolve that trauma. If the relationship is great otherwise, I would recommend trying counseling and seeing how that goes.
Him proactively being in therapy to work on this shows that it’s something that is important to him, that he is working on. Now, maybe it doesn’t work out in the end and you have to decide internally how long you’ll wait for that, but he is taking the correct steps.
I will say if you want to have biological children, it should be a different timetable than if you’re not interested in having them. Which sucks, but it’s reality.
You’re also not dumb if you do decide to leave. It’s okay either way.
Marriage in itself is not a romantic relationship state.
Moving in together means something.
Buying a home together means something.
Having kids together means something.
You can do these things while being unmarried and they will bring you closer than any marriage possibly can
Marriage is a contract that is mainly here to protect the spouse with the lower income. It can make sense if you have kids and one of you needs to work less to take care of them and the house for example.
I would focus on talking to him about moving in together rather than marriage as a first step. You can even do this gradually: keep both of your apartment and start staying over more and more over longer period at his place (for instance). A lot changes once you start living together and I can understand he is cautious: It’s much harder and more painful to break up later on if you move too fast without truely getting to know each other first.
At least he is trying and getting therapy. I wish mine would get himself to see a therapist already. He knows he needs it.
Divorce and breaking up an engagement can be really tough on some people, and unfortunately, we will never fully understand what it is like because we’ve never been through it before, and hopefully we will never ever have to go through it.
He sounds like he is really trying and good on him. It is truly up to you and not up to us strangers if you want to stay with him and give him a chance. I personally would give him a chance. Remember, there is no rush to get married or to be engaged. Moving in with each other or buying a house is the more meaningful next step. Buying a house is our next step, but he’s unsure about it with me when he broke the news to me a few weeks ago… Since then, I’ve been putting off claiming my inheritance money, as I only want to put the money towards a house for us. I know it sounds rather silly, and I should just claim it regardless. But I feel heartbroken, and I don’t want to see that money in my bank and end up crying every time.