We’ve met around a half year ago, but started dating only last month. We worked at the same company at that time. He has a playboy sort of look: fit, well groomed, long-ish hair, sparkly studs in his ears and a pretty-boy face to top it all of. I thought he was your typical womanizer sort.
One day he bought me a cup of coffee and we started chatting. He turned out to be the opposite of a playboy. He’s a very shy, reserved, borderline chaste person. A bit akward, but in a charming way. We bonded over our love for classic russian literature, soviet cinema and tea. It took him a couple of weeks of break room meetups to finally ask me out on a friendly date. After few months of going out he asked me if I wanted something more serious with him, and for the first time in my life I decided to commit to a relationship.
After that night he left for a two-day trip with his college mates. We made plans to go out the evening of his return. He invited me to a cafe not far from my place, told me to close my eyes and wait for him.
I felt him tap on my shoulder and when I excitedly turned around to face him (expecting a surprise present he promised me) he was standing there empty-handed. He explained, that he left the present on the train (which isn’t totally out of the realm of possibilty with how clumsy he can be. But it really put me off). I ordered some food for myself but he opted only for desert. Again, I found it pretty weird, but he told me that he wasn’t hungry. He didn’t offer to pay for my meal. Which, once again, is fine (I am making more money than him, so it is understandable), but very strange since in our culture it is unacceptable for a man not to pay for his date. We were going to see a movie after dinner, but he didn’t bother buying us tickets (I can understand even that, because I haven’t explicitly told him to do that), so we had to settle for a teahouse nearby.
In the teahouse he seemed wholly confused by everything, asking the stupidest questions.He even didn’t know how to turn the kettle on. Weird, because our shared love for tea and culture surrounding it was one of the first things we bonded over. He, AGAIN, let me pay for our table, and by that point I was very irritated with him but still let him walk me to my house.
On our way we stumbled into a low fence. I decided walk around it but he tried to hop it, and, as to be expected, fell over. Thankfully there was enough snow to soften the fall. He wasn’t hurt so I felt it was appropriate to laugh and jokingly asked him to stay there so I can take a photo. This may seem like a dick move on my part, but since the beginning of our, at first, friendship we’ve been teasing each other. He calls me a know-it-all nerd and I call him a brainless idiot. Whenever he would fuck up at work, I would make fun of him and he did the same. Both of us have pretty thick skin so I didn’t think he would be offended by me laughing at him falling over a fence of all things. But instead of laughing with me he quickly got up walked over to me and threw me on the ground. And not in the snow. I hit my head on the icy asphalt pretty hard. I was absolutely horrified by this weird reaction. I would have never expected this sort of behavior from him. He didn’t even apologize, just tried to laugh if off.
Then, when I told him to call the taxi, he didn’t have enough money for a ride home. When I asked him why he decided to ask me out this late if he didn’t have enough money to return home, he told me that he doesn’t carry that much cash to stop himself from overspending. Sounds like bullshit but he’s still in college living on a tight budget so who knows. I was done with him for the evening, but couldn’t just leave him on the street in the winter, so gave him some cash to pay and tip the driver and called a cab.
It was the worst date I’ve ever been on. I felt so weirded out by his strange behavior that I didn’t check his messages for the next two days. When I finally responded he didn’t apologize for anything except for throwing me on the ground. Even that he didn’t do properly.
‘Im sorry didn’t realize you were so fragile’. That was his ‘apology’.
Other than that he was back to his caring and thoughtfull old self. Kept checking in on me throughout the day, asking if I needed something, offering to hangout again. He apologized again, properly. But I still have a bad feeling about that day. Now I am thinking about breaking up but I am not sure.
He has never acted that way with me or anybody else. He acted so out of character. Maybe I am just scared of commitment and looking for a way out of it, overdramatizing the situation? Or is it a sign that something is of? I don’t want to throw out a good friendship because of one bad day.
47 comments
You’re not overdramatizing anything here.
The bad vibe you’re feeling is real. He doesn’t have his shit together in general.
And he threw you to the ground! And then blamed you for being fragile?
He’s a weirdo. Stay away from him.
You don’t even know this guy. Is there anything to break up from? Did the two of you agree to be in a serious, exclusive relationship?
I think you’re making a big deal out of nothing. Just don’t see him again. There is something wrong with him. You seem too old not to know that.
>He acted so out of character.
You have it backwards. His true character came out. The out of character part was what he put on to try to get you interested.
And he is obviously broke, which is not a character flaw but the way he is handling it is.
Does he have an identical evil twin? That was my first thought.
Go with your gut feeling.
Sounds like he actually is playboy and pretended to have the same interests as you and is now showing you his actual character.
Was he intoxicated? Because that would have been my first thought.
In your initial post you say that you started dating only last month. But in the comments you say you’ve been going out every week for months. Can you clarify?
If you proceed with the relationship then you give him the green light to treat you poorly. Walk away.
He threw you to the ground and laughed— did not apologize— yes you should breakup with him for this alone. Do not give him another chance to abuse you and tell you it’s your fault. Leave him now.
He committed assault and battery on you. You need to report it to the police (if you’re in a place where they’d do anything about it) and cut all contact with that guy. Possibly get a restraining order as well. (I worked with a couple who had one, the guy had to find a new job).
I know this is probably not at all what’s happening with this guy, but this sounds exactly like what happened to my grandpa after he had a stroke that resulted in brain damage. Exactly like it.
Unless he just decided to whip out all his red flags on one date, which is a possibility, I feel he had to be intoxicated or something.
What you’re feeling in your gut is what many refer to as a “red flag”. This is where you should be listening to your gut feeling. He showed his true colors. You know this is not good and nothing that you want in a relationship. Move on quickly before it may become more awkward at work.
You are not being dramatic here.
He threw you on the hard ground, you got hurt and he didn’t immediately apologize, make sure you were okay etc. He showed you who he really is. He was embarrassed and snapped and HURT YOU PHYSICALLY. What do you think will happen when you two have an actual fight?
This is a big red flag and you should not ignore it. Run.
This isn’t about the money, it’s about how he handled it. This isn’t about you two having a playful rough-house that went wrong that he immediately apologized for. This is him lashing out at you physically.
Listen to your gut, you wouldn’t be here if you didn’t think something was wrong.
When I was 20 I had a boyfriend that I really liked. He was sweet and generous and then one day he behaved similar to what you’re describing. He didn’t really apologize but went back to his sweet ways…until the next time. There will be a next time.
RUN
Maybe he got himself into a freaky Friday body-switching situation with his asshole friend and won’t be back until his friend learns how to be decent?
Trust your gut. Multiple red flags followed by assault? There should be no questions
If someone physically assaults you there should never be a 2nd chance. It doesn’t matter what bullshit excuse is given he assaulted you. If you stay with him expect more of the same in the future. But you sound smart enough to kick his ass to the curb.
Listen to your instincts. It sounds like you are a really kind person, so you sort of expect that to be true of others. He is great, right up until it matters. He made you pay for everything, even his ride home. He was likely hoping you would invite him to stay with you, as you likely realize.
Fortunately, he didn’t keep his other side hidden for long. You can move on easily enough.
He lied to you about his interests to fool you into thinking you’re compatible, then showed you the type of person he is by shoving you to the ground. Run, ghost, get out.
what the hell… what a complete weirdo, he sounds like a genuine sociopath.
This is a strange story. Something is not right. Someone in the comment section suggested he may have an evil twin brother, and that is exactly how strange this story really is indeed!
Apart from the twin brother, it may be a possibility that he was on medication, or, off medication that he is usually on. What changed his personality? Does he have a personality disorder, like schizophrenia?
I am not saying to not break up, but I would want to understand what happened.
He physically assaulted you and you are still here doubting yourself… girl ffs get your shit together.
Look up lovebombing, and realize that he’s a fucking asshole with abusive tendecies. This ain’t rocket sience.
A physical assault of any kind is not Just a red flag, it’s a stop sign. You don’t give abusers another chance because he will do it again. Believe that this is him showing you who he really is.
This sound very concerning, he’s testing the water. Seeing if you’ll accept to be treated badly. You should stop this asap, for your mental and physical health. These kind of things can go very far, protect yourself, stay safe.
listen to your gut. we are strangers and we can tell you all day that he’s an asshole and you should leave. i think you already know that’s the right choice though. you’re not being dramatic. your gut is telling you that there is something off. and it’s really probably screaming that everything is off about him. do you really want someone who can suddenly flip on you like that even if he’s sweet most the time. you deserve someone who wouldn’t even dream of hurting you.
you can do better, girl. This is a bad catch, not bf material, not friend material either
Everyone saying this guy is just showing his true colours but not knowing how to turn on a kettle and falling makes me wonder if it’s either drugs or a serious medical issue
End it. You’ve been dating for a month. Move on and find someone different.
Taking the *best* interpretation of what could be going on with your boyfriend: I think he has a drug problem that he is hiding from you.
That shitshow is your best case scenario. You’ve been dating for one month. Cut him loose.
Just break it off… That’s a real weird list of “mutual interests” and sounds like he’s a con playing a game. When you think back to the conversations, did he really bring in anything new or, did he just let you do all the talking? Maybe he picked up a few tidbits on google… but, I think your first instincts were correct and he just let the wall down to see how far he can push you… apparently literally. Trust your gut.
He knows he’s handsome and is using you as a meal ticket/sugar mama. You can keep doing it if you like but I’d end it here there’s absolutely no redeeming qualities.
With the “bad” date, he is testing you to see what he can get away with. (Making you pay for things, being pushed by him as punishment, etc.) This is an abuser tactic.
The alternative is that he is some kind of drugs and was in a significantly altered mental state (trying to jump and failing).
Either way, you don’t need to know what caused the behavior. The important thing is that you were not safe around him. He injured you intentionally and this is not acceptable.
Hold out for a partner who respects you.
He has never acted that way with me or anyone else
How could you possibly know if he has never done this to anyone else? You should find his exes and ask them.
I felt the bad vibes just from reading this. The fact he physically harmed you and gave you the most meager apology is crazy to me.
I think this dude is likely dangerous. You should stay away
Run! He’s shown you who he is. He’s an abuser. He will only escalate the abuse. I hope you got checked out after hitting you head on ice when he threw you to the ground.
“I met a guy who looked dangerous, promiscuous, and bad… but for ME he turned out to be great.”
This never ends well.
Sounds like he got back from his trip and forgot to put his mask in place. Run, girl, run. That night was the real him. Everything else is a facade.
You can’t be with someone who pushes you down. Period.
People have been killed by much less than this assault. He hit your head. Hard. Sure it was the ice but that was his weapon. DO NOT remain in contact with this person. He assaulted you FOR LAUGHING in a non-lethal or even remotely threatening fall. He felt embarrassed and tried to reclaim that power by harming you to regain his power again. This is assault, you could have had permanent damage. For the love of yourself and your safety, block and bar him from your life. THIS IS A HORRIBLE UNSAFE SITUATION.
once i chatted with a guy from the next country. we were in some help forum, so we were supposed to have common bad expereience. I talked about a book i just read, the architecture of a place with hidden alchemical symbols, one or two other things. the conversation was good, a real exchange.
me and my partner invit him to see our capital. the journey was curious. he know nothing of other books in the line of the one we talked about, he was visibly prepared for a convo about alchemy but has no clue about church architecture, or architecture in general. I came to the conclusion that he googled each and every word i wrote, and nothing beyond.
some weeks later, he told us that a (minor) student of his seemed in love with him. I warned him that he was in danger. it is a classical freudian transfert and when she will come back to her senses she would accuse him of sexual misconduct. his reaction was the opposite of what i expected. he went in full troll rampage. his attack would have been very hurtfull if he did not completly misjudged my personnality and my interests.
we learned later that he went with the girl to las vegas (from europe !) to marry her… while she was still 17… and he was already married. he was in fact an abuser with a very very good camouflage roaming a forum for victims. her mother explained that shitstorm on some TV talk show months later. as her daugther was then 18 and consenting, there was pretty nothing autorities could do with the bigame teacher who marry his student.
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I have a feeling like this in that post.
Oh damn I used to do this before I went to therapy, I’d just mimic peoples interests because I thought that it’d make them like me (which it did). Saying I liked what other people liked and had the same interests. And on the days where I just wasn’t feeling it I’d just do whatever I wanted and there’d be weird vibes, because I’d be acting myself (but obviously to then I’d be acting totally out of character)
I eventually learned too just be myself and that it’s okay if people don’t like you for you etc. But this really sounds like me from like 10 years ago
I’d say just send him this thread, or write out the same points you’ve made here and see what he thinks and move on from there.
Big push for breaking up though bc wtf is he thinking throwing you to the ground? Even if he only meant it as a joke and didn’t intend for you to fall as hard as you did, I think a normal person would rush over and apologise instead of having some weird pride reaction.
His mask slipped. That’s what that was, and that type of behavior will undoubtedly continue if you stay with him.
If this isn’t him surprising you by having his identical twin pretend to be him then please believe this is his hidden self that he’s been masking until now. Hanging out with his friends brought it out again to the point he couldn’t remember how to act around you again. If you stay he will know that he can now regularly act like that.
Mm. I think you’ve known him for such a short amount of time that you’re probably just seeing his true self here. My guess is that he blew all his money on the weekend away with his boys and just forgot that you guys had plans. I’m a lot less old fashioned and have no problem paying for myself on a date, or paying for my date for that matter, but he should have explained he didn’t have the money to take you out on a date and tried to make other plans. Is it possible that his love for tea goes as far as… “I like tea”?
Your biggest red flag here is that fact that he *physically assaulted* you by shoving you into the ground. His response to feeling embarrassed was to assault you. Regardless of what lens (“we were goofing around,” “it was fun banter,” “I was trying to start a wrestling match in the snow,”) he tries to focus this through, what he did was not okay. You hit your head on concrete, and that should have prompted an immediate response of concern from him.
He pushed you down on asphalt where you hit your head hard. Please don’t date him. This is the him that came out and now you know who he really is.
Ignoring everything else on the date which makes him just a complete waste of a date, time and effort. He put his hands on you then blamed you when you got hurt. Do not continue to see this man.