Husband (46M) thinks I (44F) should not have Christmas gifts this year due to him helping with a large down payment this summer.

29 comments

1. ”I am not a materialistic person. usually we have a spending cap for Christmas of 100-200. It’s just us at home, no kids, and I have no family really, so as far as presents under the tree,gift wise it’s only him I get gifts from. I just enjoy the fuzzy feeling of Christmas morning with coffee and a fire, pjs and presents.” Did you tell him that? maybe telling him that would help him understand?

2. he’s being weird. is he weird about money for other things? is it possible he’s having secret money problems? any investments taking a hit?

3. This is why I will never be on board with separate finances. Bean counting just breeds resentment. I’ve never met a couple who does this that doesn’t have issues.

   Aside from that a couple red flags to, you’re nearing 50 and he has no investments? Are you in the US? He got 4k but gave you 5k…so he gave you all his money….which if you’re in the US really, really should have gone toward investments.

   I’m really hoping there’s something missing here because if not, my immediate suspicion is you guys have financial problems and he’s stressed about it and you’re oblivious. I hope I’m wrong.

4. There are plenty of cheap meaningful gift out there. There’s no excuse for “no gifts”.

5. ??? My ex-husband was mostly a SAHD. I made 90% of the money. He needed a new car. So I (we) bought him a new car.* It would not have even OCCURRED to me to not buy him Christmas presents. Because when your spouse gets a car, your household gets a car, and that’s a household purchase, not a gift.

   Was it a really unnecessarily snazzy car or maybe your old car wasn’t actually old? Because that’s the only way a car payment counts as a gift.

   *Me/we buying him a car is unrelated to why he is my ex.

6. See it would be OK if when he put down the 5K he said this count as a birthday and a Christmas gift. You can’t make that decision after the fact. It has to be agreed to beforehand. He’s just trying to be cheap and doesn’t want to buy you anything for Christmas. And he’s trying to hold over your head that he did something nice for you and that is not OK. I make five times what my husband makes and I have paid thousands of medical bills for him. I don’t remind him I never ask him to pay me back. I don’t expect him to pay me back. I would never hold something like that over his head.

7. See it would be OK if when he put down the 5K he said this count as a birthday and a Christmas gift. You can’t make that decision after the fact. It has to be agreed to beforehand. He’s just trying to be cheap and doesn’t want to buy you anything for Christmas. And he’s trying to hold over your head that he did something nice for you and that is not OK. I make five times what my husband makes and I have paid thousands of medical bills for him. I don’t remind him I never ask him to pay me back. I don’t expect him to pay me back. I would never hold something like that over his head.

8. He seems like a crusty, grumpy bummer of a human.

   Saying a utilitarian, necessary purchase last summer is related to Christmas, makes it seem like A) the holidays, birthdays and other small sources of joy are purely a monetary exchange that must be tabulated B) by needing his support for a basic resource, you don’t deserve the small token of affection that is putting thought into a gift and/or C) your marriage is based on an exchange of resources and not on shared experiences, making memories and enjoying things together

   You need to more clearly communicate the meaning of Christmas because he’s somehow missed it? “This has absolutely nothing to do with money, and you’re acting like a cheap grumpy asshole. Stop.”

   You’re not being selfish or materialistic. He is.

9. He’s just being a mean, petty dick.

   Buy yourself some Christmas presents.

10. Crap, a few things from goodwill wrapped up would fill the underside of a tree just fine.

    It’s like he’s pretending to be a stern adult, when in reality he’s got a giant safety net.

    If I were you I’d buy him a small bag of charcoal briquettes and wrap it.

11. The fact you paid him back already is not petty shit. You owe him nothing. He’s not out any money.

    He’s not getting you any gifts because he doesn’t respect or care about you.

12. Buy yourself presents for under the tree and tell him, you thought we weren’t buying each other gifts.

13. That is petty and cruel. Its xmas FGS . Buy y9urself some amazing pressies, wrap them up nicely and on xmas eve put them. under the tree . It raises the question though of savings accounts and do you have access to the joint account ? If not start one of your own .

14. Like really you don’t deserve one fucking thing because the household got a new car? I traded in my old vehicle and my husband helped w a significant down payment when we got our car. That was 6 months before Christmas/my bday/Valentine’s Day… he never once mentioned not allowing me to get anything for gifts that year because ”he bought me” a car.

    Does your husband like you? Because you don’t intentionally make someone you love feel left out on a major holiday. He is nickel and dime-ing his freaking wife??? he doesn’t even want to get you some fuzzy socks and a candle? let him spend Christmas alone, f that

15. “I could go back and mention I let him sell my old car (that I paid for 100%) for his down payment which totaled 5k years back, but then we are just getting into petty shit”

    You’re already in petty shit, that he started it.

    This sounds like it’s not about the down payment of presents. Something else is going on with your husband and him being petty about those things is just the tip of the iceberg.

16. Time to be a “Secret Santa” to yourself! He’s certainly mercenary, and very tit for tat (and not even logically at that).

17. So your relationship is transactional, interesting…

18. Christmas gifts are not about spending money. Your husband is a miserly asshole.

19. “DH, either I spent all my money on the downpayment and have no money for presents for the family this year, or we each contributed to a downpayment for a member of the family and we get each other some small presents.”

20. Tell him Reddit says he’s a dick

21. Your husband is in the wrong. Who are you two supposed to spend on if not each other (no kids) and yourselves. He is earning more so of course he should shell up more. Like…. i gave my fiance 5k some 3 months ago because he needed that much in order to have enough to fix his teeth and he got a present for his birthday, Christmas and NY. Your husband could have shelled for a little under the tree present, he just… kept score.

22. Whatever you’ve bought for him, take it back. Buy your own presents for you!! You might give him a gift box (tiny) with a toy car.

23. I just broke my husbands Xbox over the weekend and had to replace it…he said don’t buy him a gift cuz this counts..I disagree I might not buy anything extravagant for him but I’m still getting him something

24. Wow your husband is an AH! This to me is financial abuse… I don’t understand anyone saying no gifts for you this year because of the car and then expecting you to buy them gifts…. If he’s not going to get any gifts for you I would say you don’t get any for him.

    When he has socked face of no gifts tell him you thought he said no gifts this year…

25. Please, *please* don’t have kids with this guy. Just imagine how he’s going to treat you when your career inevitably takes a hit or heaven forbid you need to stay at home to care for your kid(s).

26. Uuuuh so if I read that right he didn’t even gift you anything at all? You let him have the 5k from your own car that he sold, then he put those 5k into your new car. Where the heck is the present?

    I‘m a bit concerned that you view it as petty to count in those 5k you gave him, because it’s so not? It’s like a big fat argument here? Why would him getting 5k from you be of minor importance if HE is making out the 5k he gave to be a thing??? Like, you‘re simply even now?? He gave you nothing????

27. “So you really don’t want to exchange gifts this Christmas? Alright!” then take the money you were going to spend on his presents and spend them on gifts for yourself.

28. I”d go on vacation somewhere & leave him a note. You made me feel so unloved this year, that I could not wake up on Christmas day to you opening presents & me slaving away in the kitchen crying. So I am doing something for me, so I will not absolutely hate you. Leave him a tv dinner on the counter.

    BUT my petty ass would not be out Grinched, I would take everything down in the middle of the night. Take all his gifts to charity and go do something fun & for me.

    Then you need to figure out if this relationship is over or not, he wants you to be miserable & unhappy on Christmas. Which is the opposite of love, lots of men hate their wives & do everything they can to punish them for being married to them.

29. The fact that he even feels the need to inform you why you’re not going to get any presents this year just kills the whole idea of gift giving. You give gifts to make the other person happy and appreciated, not thinking about balancing the scale of how much you/him spent this year. I mean, talk about yuck!