We just had the talk about having kids. Just need general advice.

We’ve been casually seeing each other for 2 months now for the weekends only. She just recently asked me whether I want kids and I had a very lackluster answer.

Basically, for the topic of kids, the problem is that I overthink and I worry a lot. About stupid stuff like:

* Being a good father
* Making sure my kids don’t go through the same emotional toll that I went through (not to say that my parents are bad. But more like my dad worried a LOT about me and it took an emotional toll on my mental when I was growing up. Just afraid I would put my kids through that.)
* Combined with the point above, I developed a lot of the same traits as he did growing up. I just worry about a lot of things and so I developed behavior of being risk adverse.
* Everything I’ve done in life is just safe. I haven’t been risky about anything.
* I’ve planned how my life would go. Safe education, Safe undergraduate degree, Safe job, Safe job security, safe financial situation, safe everything.
* And that being said, stupid stuff I worry about for children
* the state of the world when having children.
* Their financial future (it’s already difficult to buy a house in this climate yet it’ll just get worse for the future generation. Plus the ever growing student debt that many I know weren’t as fortunate to attend college.)
* the decisions my kid would make (if he/she decided to make a transitional change or go to college for a less than useful degree, I wouldn’t be sure what to do or if I would be willing to support that change)
* what happens if my children is just very misbehaved
* None of any of this I can control. So **why is it that I care about it so much**?
* Basically, I like things that I can plan out and be sure of. And have contingency plans for
* And also taking care of human life is such a big tasking. It’s scary.

That being said, we had the talk. And it got me thinking about my dating endeavors.

I’m not opposed to the idea of having children. When I’ve dated someone, if they brought up the idea of having a family, I would not be opposed to the idea of it. But it wasn’t my number one intention which I feel like that’s what I should be sure about.

Like you should 100% be certain about wanting kids to have kids.

but for instance, if I dated someone who didn’t want children, I may come to regret my decision.

**Probably the most important point in here**: But if I dated someone who wanted family, the thought of trying to change her mind DOES NOT EVEN come close to my mind. I have not ever once thought to change her mind to not wanting kids.

It was more of to convince myself and change my own mind on the matter. To not be afraid. To not worry. To not think so much.

I’ve always planned my thoughts on life and how it should go. I’d meet someone. We’d live together for a few years. We see if we are compatible that way. We get married. And if a kid happens, a kid happens. And if that happens, I want two kids at the very least.

She cried after hearing my initial answer. And something inside me broke. I just hated seeing her cry. It made me so sad and I never really want to see it again.

Yet I’m so indecisive. It’s my natural personality to worry. To plan. To overthink.

I just need some general advice. I’m at a loss for thoughts on this.

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Side story: I had a kitten once. The kitten was found in a litterbox with two others and in the rain. I’ve always been a dog person but I decided to adopt one and had friends adopt the other two.

I really loved that kitten. I never knew that I could love that kitten as much as I did. I spent a lot of time and effort and love to raise the kitten. I grew so attached. I found love for this kitten where I didn’t know existed.

But I came back home from work one day and found that the kitten had passed and I just broke. I just wasn’t properly or mentally equipped to deal take care of the kitten. I didn’t even get to name the cat.

The kitten was probably 2-3 weeks old when I first found it. And I found out that kittens need to be with their mothers or mother cat to be properly weened.

I didn’t know and it still affects me to this day.

I felt like a future that I initially had in my head, was just ripped away from me. And I couldn’t cope for a long while over it. I knew how I felt in the moment and how I feel about it now.

I didn’t even know I could love cats but I loved that damn kitten. I cried so hard after I found out it passed.