When it’s just my wife and I our relationship is fantastic. We communicate really well and we have a lot of fun together. I have split custody of my kids with my ex, so we have the kids every other week. During the weeks we have the kids my wife is a completely different person. We end up fighting frequently because I get irritated with how she acts. She is moody, irritable, quick to anger, and rarely is having a good time. She’s short fused with the kids and the kids have begun making comments about her behavior. It’s like I’m living with two different people. Please help!
TL;DR: wife around the (step)kids = moody, irritable
17 comments
Can you limit the time she spends with the kids? Maybe she can take a few nights at an air bnb or something.
When it’s your week with the kids, how does the child care, chores etc break down?
Has it always been like this or is it new?? Seems a little late in the game( being married now to her) for you to start seeing this side of her. Does she have her own kids? If this is new what’s causing this to come out now?? Is she more stressed at work? Are the kids treating her differently than they have? I know for the longest time my 10yr old would coming over for my week and have an attitude with my wife and the other kids just because at his moms house it was only him and he got very spoiled in that environment…
What has she said when you ask her about the change in her behavior?
Do you both want more kids? Or did you go into this relationship with “these kids and no more” on the table?
I never wanted kids, and never dated someone with them. Kids honestly drive me up the wall and I’d probably act like your wife if I had to deal with them on a regular basis. No kids me ZERO kids, you know?
The thing is- your kids may grow up to have kids of their own. Then step-mom will be step-grandma. Your wife will have to go through the whole kid thing again at a different life stage.
She knew you had children why she behaves this way, first of all your children are your responsibility they need you.. and she is the adult!!
If she won’t open up to you on the weeks when it is calm and when the kids are away, I suggest you employ the help of a counselor to see both of you and trying to help your wife pin point the underlying issue with you present so you both can work through it.
As many are saying, yes… it absolutely is more stressful than being on your own as adults. And special needs often bring special challenges. But, hopefully you can get to the bottom of why this has become especially more challenging over the past year and what has changed – either with your children, with your wife, or with both.
If she has an anxiety or mood disorder that is developing, the anticipation of more stress alone may be just enough stress to push something over the edge for her.
I think she is having to spend too much time parenting kids that are not hers, and she’s miserable. Some people just are not good with kids, but she’s afraid to tell you that because she does not want to hurt you or sound like a bad person. Parenting a child with a neurological condition is challenging when it’s your own kid. Does she have to stay alone with the kids a lot?
I had to end a three year relationship because my ex displayed similar behavior. She had a few kids of her own and they were always above the rules of the house. I tried to be even with them all. In the end her irritability, quick to anger and shortness with my kids led me to leave. I didn’t want my kids growing up with that kind of person at home. A home is supposed to be a safe space.
Best of luck. If you want to chat more, happy too.
How many kids are we talking? Ages?
Are the kids respectful and generally picking up after themselves? Do they know how to behave within reason for their age?
I could see where a few factors could come into play here. When they’re not there I’m sure she has a peaceful routine that she follows. She gets her self care and me time in. She’s not serving kids, or talking to kids, listening to kids talk, scream, sing, etc.
Make sure she is getting in some alone or quiet time when you guys are home. Have the children help keep things cleaned up. They can pick up after themselves and you could also have them clean everything up before they go back to their mom’s. Make sure you’re helping plenty and doing more than 50% of the stuff for your kids.
That’s about all you can do on your side. On her side she’s going to have to accept that they’re there and show them a good time. They may not be her kids but she is making an impression on them so make sure you take care of this one way or another. It’s your responsibility as dad to do so.
I think you’ve got to tell her it’s not a sustainable dynamic, and say she’s got to take you up on suggestions to improve it. That might mean spending less time around the kids. It might mean going to therapy and identifying what is triggering these behaviors for her and how to manage them better in the moment. It might mean a parenting class, if therapy isn’t specific enough for dealing with the issues she’s facing.
She’s said that something about the kids is stressing her out or setting her off, which is a good start in terms of self awareness. Now she needs to know exactly what’s going on and how to respond better in the moment, and long term manage those emotions so that she’s not making herself and the kids miserable. I think there’s a way. If she’s willing to look into it and build skills to get there.
To be honest, she seems like a “look at meeeeee” woman.
When you are only spending time with her, she happily lives a charmed existence.
BUT if she is expected to give instead of receiving, well then, little miss cranky pants shows up.
I would find that behavior immature and gross.
Especially when my young children are forced to spend time with her.
I don’t know dude. I hope she’s worth it.
Now hold on a moment, kid(s) as in multiple. How many kids and how old are they? The wife treats the kids in a way that’s different than the way she is in a two-person dynamic, do the kids treat her with respect as well? I’m talking about not just in your presence, but when you’re not there as well. She may feel like her home isn’t hers when the kids are there for the week, but has unresolved issues that cause internal resentment. The lack of control and the pent up emotions can cause that “I’m stressed but want to be apart of everything, I’m annoyed but want to be included in decision making”. Communicate, she might not even recognize the deeply rooted issue either—you both need to dive deep. I find it weird that you’re married and this is only surfacing in the past year or so. It might’ve been simmering for much longer. You need to set boundaries for her and for the kids. Balance the time that’s for you both with the kids and moments alone with her during “kid week”. Perhaps, winding down together after they go to bed and talking about other topics while sipping on wine.
She resents being a stepmom. I get it. For her perspective I suggest checking out subreddits: stepparents, stepmom, and blended families
It’s because kids aren’t stupid and know what buttons to push on your week. Back your girl and pay attention when the kids are with her.
Are you asking her to shoulder the weight of parenting your kids too?
Look at this from a scientific perspective. What variables chage that bring our her irritable nature?
Is is all people, or just your kids? If it is just your kids, you need to figure out the root of the problem and fix it. There is probably something she is not telling you that bothers her.
If it is all people, then it might be her issue. You should probably both see a therapist to resolve this reasonably.
There’s a reason she was child free before she met you. Don’t whine. She chose to be with you n knowing you had a failed marriage and the baggage of kids, she’s doing her best.