I hope I can get some ideas on how to go about this situation because I’m really stuck on how to move forward. I don’t want to invite my sister in law to my wedding. I viewed her as my own sister and things were good until an unfortunate event earlier this year. My father became terminally ill and her attitude completely changed.
The first sign of trouble is days before my father’s passing on hospice, she pulled me aside and said she was angry at me for how I was acting. She took issue with how I was “pushy” to the people around me. I was the primary caretaker for my father and I was emotionally all over the place, so I took what she said to heart and tried to change my behavior. She also sprinkled in she thought I was abusing my spouse, which me and my spouse thought was completely out of nowhere. At the time I immediately took fault, because I was so overwhelmed. Now that I’ve had time and space to digest the situation, what she did was incredibly inappropriate.
At the funeral, it felt like she put her feelings above my mother and my siblings. During the ceremony she yelled at me while I was talking to my spouse because she thought I was ‘bossing’ her around. It felt like I couldn’t properly grieve because she was judging and critiquing everything I did. She’s already told me she thinks me less of a person, and that she’ll never apologize. I haven’t forgiven her but I will still greet her if she is around. I don’t go out of my way to antagonize her.
Anyways onto my current dilemma. My wedding will be a very small ceremony with just my partner’s immediate family and mine. During my father’s illness our extended family showed their true colors and we decided we want nothing to do with their toxicity anymore. This is where my problem is I guess. I want my brother there but not his wife. If I’m not going to allow toxic people into our space, she won’t be the exception. But knowing her attitude, she’ll raise a stink about it and I just don’t want my brother or me to deal with the tantrum that will come. I feel like maybe I should just scrap the ceremony altogether but it feels like I’m just giving her a “win” in that case. Me and my partner are already married on paper so she can’t take that away from me.
For what it’s worth, anyone who’s heard of this situation, including her own family thinks what she did is messed up.
Tl;dr
Any ideas on how to have a wedding ceremony with little to no conflict? Or should I just scrap it altogether?
Any advice and insight would be greatly appreciated, thank you.
8 comments
Elope.
If you don’t invite her as your brother’s +1, there is a good chance there would be irreparable harm done to your relationship with your brother. Are you prepared for that?
Talk to your brother. Tell him you want him there but you’re only inviting people that love and support you. His wife has irreparably damaged her relationship with you and you do not feel comfortable around her. Tell him you will miss him at the ceremony but you won’t make him choose between your wedding and his wife.
His wife behaved badly. What did he do about it? If he did nothing he is part of the problem.
Have a zoom wedding ceremony and put her ass on mute lol.
There hasn’t been irreparable harm done already in this relationship? How much are you supposed to swallow before say enough is enough? She has already demonstrated how she will act during your wedding, your special day, so simply explain to your brother why; he’s probably already figured it out but you need to tell him directly why she is not invited. No matter what you do though a toxic person like this will ruin your day no matter what you do so prepare for it and stick to your position.
I am so very sorry for your loss. I can not imagine how deep your pain is. You have my deepest empathy. My thoughts are with you and yours at you move forward in your life.
I think before I did anything, I would sit down with the sister in law and at least try and talk to her. If it goes bad, you have your answer, and if everything works out, then you are stressing over nothing. If you act like an adult, she has two choices, act accordingly or act like a petulant child. Her response will show you how to treat her.
If it was me, i would do a fun destination wedding with just you and your spouse. If the non-toxic people want to come, great. If not…. you will have beautiful photos and memories to last. Also after all the stress you have gone through lately (so sorry again) what could be better than fruity drinks on the sand, a massage with waves crashing in the background, a sunset exchange of vows on the sand.
Or even a cruise. Those are soooooooo much fun.
And tell your brother he owes you a 1 on 1 night out. He has to do something fun with you to celebrate your wedding since he couldn’t be there. Go cart racing and then pizza and beer. Something silly that lets the pressure out.
Well … that’s what I would do, lol.
Best of luck in your shitty situation, I really hope things improve.
Your brother is invited. She is not.
If he chooses not to attend “we understand” and it is agreed that there is no hard feelings between you, your husband and him.
It sounds like you can negotiate this with him.
Have your ceremony and enjoy your wedding.
No need to make this more than it is.
His wife’s new behaviour may be a problem that he is navigating and may have to come to you for advice and support.
I second that elope comment.
Save everyone the drama and invite no one. You will be doing everyone a favor but most of all yourselves.
Congratulations!