Hey Reddit community,
I need some advice on a relationship dilemma. Here’s the situation:
I’m a 31F, looking for a serious, long-term relationship. I met a guy 26M (let’s call him Tom) last year, and we started dating almost 8 months ago after I ended a three-year relationship. Tom pursued me heavily, and we share fundamental values and life goals. We’re also both active members at our community center.
Now, here’s where things get complicated. Tom (26M) immigrated seven years ago and has dedicated his life to an obscure sport with dreams of making it to the Olympics. The catch? He’s broke. His commitment involves months of unpaid training abroad, and he financially supports his parents, who are both 60 and can’t work legally in our country.
Tom’s sense of duty leads him to fully finance his parents’ lives, leaving him with no money. When he stays with me, I end up handling everything – buying food, cooking, cleaning, driving – essentially having an almost live-in boyfriend without any live-in support.
Things get even trickier with Tom’s dad, who seems manipulative. Tom’s parents insist that if he doesn’t pay for them to stay, they’ll have to leave the country. His sister faced backlash for refusing to pay. I suggested alternative ways for his parents to contribute, but his dad refuses to work, expecting Tom and his sister to fund his life.
Tom’s mom, while open to contributing to her expenses, is considering a risky business venture in laser sculpting without certification, which worries me.
In the early days, Tom’s dad, who doesn’t speak English, micromanaged our relationship through emails. Two months into dating Tom, his dad also tried to convince me to purchase the condo they were renting with Tom and his sister, allow them to keep living there, and pay the mortgage with Tom and his sister, and it would be a great idea for me to have as an investment. When I said this made me uncomfortable, they became offended and said I was accusing them of taking advantage of me.
Financially, Tom borrowed $700 from me in September to pay rent, promising to repay in a few days, but I’m yet to receive it. While I haven’t brought this up, it has caused me tension, and I’m struggling with feelings of foolishness.
When discussing finances, Tom proposed a grand plan for a business requiring significant capital, which raised concerns for me. Suggestions to start smaller were met with resistance, leaving me conflicted about supporting such ambitious and risky ventures.
When I was single earlier this year, I had no trouble meeting people and was asked out by numerous suitors. I chose Tom because he was charismatic and talked a big game about future goals and aspirations, and I liked it. He talked about wanting to be a provider and have a family with me having the option of staying home with our children if I want to. He also talks a lot about getting married, and I appreciate that he has these “old-fashioned” values, but I don’t want to be stuck married to someone who cannot manage finances and is just dreaming about the future.
I love Tom, but I’m starting to wonder if I’m making a mistake by staying with him. While he dreams of being a provider, the current reality feels far from it, leaving me conflicted and questioning. I also don’t feel close to his family, and I know that you don’t just marry a person, you also marry their family. I was really close to my ex’s family, and it makes me miss that dynamic as well.
I’ve been too embarrassed to talk about this to the people in my life. I keep going back and forth, worried that I’d be making a mistake staying with Tom and would always be stuck with someone who talks a big game, but then worried that if I break up with him, I might lose someone amazing who is kind, loving, and truly values me as a person and not just an object. How important is money? Am I crazy? Maybe he will do something big and I just need to be supportive. But how long can I be the financial support?
Of course there are lots of good things about the relationship too, and I tried to make this post unbiased because I am really struggling with what to do. My parents both really like Tom, but do worry about the future considering he has so many financial obligations and no real plan. Any advice or thoughts on navigating these challenges would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you for taking the time to read my story.
TL;DR: Dating an ambitious athlete with financial struggles due to supporting family. Business plans, work issues, and conflicting visions for the future are causing doubts. Seeking advice on whether to continue the relationship.
6 comments
You definitely should be able to talk to him about all of this. If you can’t, then that’s a pretty big sign he’s not mature enough for the type of relationship you’re looking for.
I would be looking to hit the eject button on this one. The financial issues are absolutely massive, and it’s going to be difficult to do a lot of life planning when he seems to have unreasonable goals.
Big dreams that are not supported by actions are just dreams. Dreams are good to have of they are transformed into actual goals, otherwise they are just some fantasy scenarios.
In my view, your frustration will only grow given the current status. Your partner lacks maturity and actions and this will continue to show. It is not only a day to day situation like paying rent but also life will progress and you will want to have plans together (taking trips with groups of friends and so on) for which the lack of finances will show its ugly face. Equally, especially since he appears to talk a lot about marriage, buying a property or renting a family suited place would involve finances that he clearly does not have.
From experience, the family situation never gets better, people the age of his parents very rarely change and they will interfere more and more with your life. If it would happen that he makes indeed more money he would also give them more. Do not imagine that they would keep their demands as they are now if they saw their son living a prosper life. Basically you would both be supporting them forever (sorry for the harsh truth).
The living style your boyfriend has reminds of some friends I know in 2 different circles, two males, who have always been “dreaming” with no action, always working here and there and small gigs, now they are past their 40s and working as occasional dj, finding all sorts of new passions and hobbies and always thinking they would be the big hit they were expecting, but they never actually are. Also what these people have in common is a supportive girlfriend, always understanding and always willing to support their goals and hobbies. As you say, they are charming and charismatic and make the girlfriends feel like queens. Their relationships last in average 1,2 years and after one relationship is over there comes another one on basically the same pattern.
Of course, feelings are very important but it is also important to be cerebral on certain aspects in life, especially when contemplating long term relationships or marriage.
I wish you all the best in making the right decision for YOU!
Hmm, I don’t think the question is “does money matter”? You’re asking “does valuing your commitments matter? Does good judgment matter?”
He committed to paying rent by signing a lease or contract or entering into a verbal agreement. He broke that commitment. Furthermore, the most logical person to help him out was…you? A person he’d only been dating for 8 months? Weird judgment.
Supporting his family was a commitment he made, which he also can’t sustain if he can’t pay his rent and is “broke”. It was questionable judgment to agree to that commitment at all. But further questionable that he decides to devote himself to an obscure sport that pays nothing instead of using that extra time to make the money he needs to keep his promises.
While how one should start a business is quite debatable, again he in your mind showed poor judgment with his plans and tactics. He wasn’t looking for help or your suggestions, either. He’s not just ignorant, or uncertain. He’s fully committed to fantasy land.
My partner doesn’t have to make as much money as me, and yes, I’m fine contributing unequally to the expenses if it doesn’t strain my budget. But my partner has to show good judgment, good effort, and good follow through on his commitments. This dude isn’t stable, doesn’t make sense. He’s all over the place in a way that screams red flags galore. He’s a no for me.
The whole family is using you to bankroll them.
Tom needs to get off his daydreaming arse and get a job.
Just take it upon yourself to make more money