Mine would be:
A man is sitting at home when he hears a knock on his door. He opens the door and sees a snail in the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.
Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says, ‘what the hell was that all about?’
Edit: don’t downvote jokes because you don’t like them – everyone has different taste!
Edit: I’ll throw one more in because it always cracks me up.
A family walks into a hotel. The father walks up to the reception and says, ‘I assume the porn is disabled’, to which the receptionist replies, ‘it’s just regular porn you sick fuck’.
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What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
*Where’s my tractor?*
Are these all bot accounts, these jokes are awful.
Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman in a lock-in at their local. The landlord spots a policeman coming and says ‘here get in these sacks’. The men scurry into the sack. The policeman knocks on the door and asks ‘what’s going on?’ ‘Oh nothing much’ the landlord replies. ‘What are those sacks?’ Says the policeman. ‘Oh nothing much’ comes the reply. In order to check the landlord is telling the truth he kicks the bags.
He kicks the bag with the Englishman ‘woof’ he says
He kicks the bag with the Scotsman ‘meow’ he says
He kicks the bag with the Irishman ‘POTATOES!’ He shouts.
Not terribly PC nowadays but shouting potatoes at the end is fun!
my mate called in sick to work today.
his boss asked “how sick are you?”
my mate replied “I’m in bed with my nan”
What do you get when you cross an angry sheep with a grumpy cow?
Two animals in a baaaaad mooooood.
A man boarded an aircraft at London ‘s Heathrow Airport for New York…
… and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo – she took the seat right beside him.
“Hello”, he blurted out, “Business trip or vacation?”
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, “Business. I’m going to the annual Nymphomaniac convention in the United States .”
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business role at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded,” I use my experience to disprove some of the popular myths about sexuality..”
“Really”, he smiled, “what myths are those?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it’s the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.
We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish.”
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I really shouldn’t be discussing this with you, I don’t even know your name!”
“Tonto,” the man said. “Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy.”
Father was washing his car with his son. Son says “daddy, why can’t we use a sponge instead?”.
What did the donkey at Blackpool Beach have for lunch?
Half an hour
I was walking down the road when someone threw a lump of cheddar at me. “That’s not very mature” I said.
Want some jokes about chimneys?
Got stacks of them.
First one’s on the house.
“My dog has no nose”.
“How does it smell?”.
“Awful”.
Thank you, Monty Python.
What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.
knock knock
who’s there?
an englishman an irishman and a scotsman
an englishman an irishman and a scotsman who?
an englishman an irishman and a scotsman walk into the wrong joke format, the bartender says “oi, you can’t be here”, the scotsman says “well we did knock!”
What’s the difference between a blind marksman, and a constipated owl? – One shoots but can’t hit, the other hoots but can’t shit. 🙂
What’s worse than two women running with scissors?
Two women scissoring with runs.
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It absolutely destroys me every time I hear it or tell anyone it!
When I was about 6, I would try and tell this exact joke, over and over, to anyone I’d ever meet, just pissing myself laughing throughout, rarely got to the end. My dad’s got a home video somewhere of me telling the joke multiple times, along with me chatting to the cat in ‘cat language’ and skidding on my knees along the worktops. With hindsight, I really shouldn’t have had to wait 30 years for my autism/adhd diagnoses.. 🙈😂
A grasshopper walks into a bar and the barman says ‘hey we have a drink named after you!’
The grasshopper says ‘you have a drink named Steve?’
I was on a walk early the other day and took a shortcut through a cemetery. As I wandered, I saw someone crouched by a tombstone just up ahead. I didn’t want to startle them, so I called out – “Morning!”. “Nope”, came the reply, “just having a shit”.
I used to be a werewolf, but I’m alright nooOOOOWWWWW
(Perhaps written is not the best format for this joke)
Why does Noddy have a bell on his hat?
Because he’s a cunt
I work in a factory that makes Dracula figurines.
However, there are only 2 of us, so I have to make every second count.
Why do scuba divers fall backwards off the boat?
Because if they fell forwards they’d still be on the boat.
I got invited to a formal dinner party from the premature ejaculation club.
I didn’t know what to wear, so rang them to ask and they told me to just come in my pants.
What do you call a dog that can do magic tricks?
A Labracadabrador.
Who’s the coolest guy in the hospital?
The Ultrasound guy
Who takes over when he’s on holiday?
The hip replacement guy
Man goes into his doctors’ surgery to get his blood pressure taken.
The doctor tells him, “I’m afraid you’re going to have to stop masturbating.”
The man asks, “Why?”
The doctor replies, “Because I’m trying to take your blood pressure.”
A family was having an extension built and their 4-year old daughter was absolutely fascinated by the process. She ended up helping the builders out by using a toy wheelbarrow to move rubbish away, bringing them biscuits and asking questions about building. The builders adopted her as one of their own, buying her a little hi-vis jacket and a pink safety helmet with her name on it. At the end of the week they chipped in and gave her a wage packet with £10 in it.
When the builders left for the weekend, the little girl told her mum about how much she had loved working on the building site.
“And are you going to be helping again next week?” her mum asked.
The little girl replied “I dunno, it depends if those c*nts at Taylor’s deliver the fucking bricks when they said they would…”