First of all, I’ve learned to have thick skin. I’m 26, my husband is 26. We have been together 11 years and have 2 kids. We are in marriage counseling right now because we’ve been fighting a lot, and I really want to make the marriage work because I love him more than anything. My friends roast me all the time for being in marriage counseling so I don’t care anymore.
So within the last few months I’ve been trying to be a better wife to make him happier, and to try to keep him. So I always ask him if I can get him anything or do anything for him, I try ti ask every 10 minutes if there’s anything I can get him, water, soda, snack, and if he wants something we don’t have I’ll go drive to the store and get it for him. I also told him he’s not longer allowed to do chores. I’ll do all the chores around the house and his only job is to come home and relax, and play with the kids. I also get up really early bring him coffee in bed so it’s right there waiting for him when he wakes up. And whenever he would like me to cook for him he can text me what he wants and I cook it right away. I also try to give him shoulder massages and rub his feet when he looks tired, but most of this is not relevant to this story, the point is- I’ve been trying extra hard since April to be a really good wife, and it’s been working! We’ve been fighting way less and he’s been happier and kissing me more.
So my husband and I have the biggest house so we usually host thanksgiving. This year though is the first year of some new habits of mine. So when he was watching the football game I would always check the clock and every 10-15 minutes I’d go over to the couch and ask him if I can get him anything. He kept saying “no, thank you though baby” which made me really happy since he called me baby.
My dad and uncle and his dad were sitting with him on the couch (and he was holding the baby if you wanna count him too) and finally I asked him again “is there anything I can get you?” And he said “actually, do we have any sprite?” And I said “yes” and poured him a glass, with a tiny bit of ice, just how he likes it.
So my dad thought it was weird and gave me dirty looks because I kept going back every 10-15 minutes to check in and see if he would like me to bring him any snacks or anything. (Also, I wore a shirt that said “I ❤️ my husband so please don’t talk to me” which certainly didn’t help my dads irritation)
So after dinner and guests left, my husband put the kids to sleep and my parents said it’s ridiculous how I “baby” him and it turned into an awkward argument especially when he came downstairs. My mom even said not to call her until I “learn to be a woman”
So idk, I feel like I have to choose my husband or my mother, and I am going to choose my husband, but I don’t get why they’re so mad. It’s not their buissness, in fact, they’re divorced so what would she know about being a good wife. She’s probably just jealous that I know how to keep my husband and she doesnt.
21 comments
There’s nothing wrong with being a housewife/ stat at home mom, and there’s also mother wrong if you are career driven and choose to balance that with your family life. It sounds like you are a person driven by accomplishment and have a high ceiling for secure which your dad recognizes. I don’t think he’s hiding you because you’re dedicating. Yourself to your family but he is showing emotion because he believes what you’re capable of and knows what makes you happy. I would take his reaction as encouragement and motivation because obviously your father thinks very highly of you
Do what works for your marriage. Dont allow people to tell you whats good for it and mess it up.
So much to unpack here. Let me give you my perspective.
Your parents see you as who you grew up being to them, right? So if you were headstrong, opinionated, strong willed, or any of those “girl power” traits…they see those as your superpowers, literally the cornerstone, the foundation of your personality.
Now they see you in this era of being in “service” to your husband. This change probably has them puzzled and they see it as being anti-you.
I do not know anything about you or your relationship, your family history, what your primary relationship was like with either of your folks or of them together however I can only ascertain they believe this change in your personality to be false…to putting Bondo on a rust bucket car, to applying cellophane tape to a broken plate. Make sense?
In truth: a marriage is TWO people trying to make it work. One person becoming of service to another is great if that’s your love language but perhaps they see something like maybe YOUR needs aren’t being addressed. That this reverting back to a form of 50’s housewife is so far removed from the reality of who you’ve been for the decades prior to this.
Anyway, no parent wants to see their daughter be mistreated in a relationship. No parent wants to see the fire and uniqueness of their daughter be dimmed by the light of their partner who may be doing little to keep that fire of uniqueness stoked.
Being a doting spouse is totally okay and I love doing sweet things for my husband. But I have to ask… is it reciprocated? Does he do nice things for you and check in on you and bring you drinks, etc. These niceties have to be mutual for it to build true intimacy.
“they’re divorced so what would she know about being a good wife”, seriously? It can happen to anyone and it definitely doesn’t mean she wasn’t a good wife. You’re so wrong here. It’s also bad that you baby your husband so much. It’s amazing that you do sweet things for him but asking him if he needs anything every 10-15 mins is just too much when he can call your name if he needs something. You should be able to call his name whenever you feel to lazy to do something too. It goes both ways. One person always works a bit more for a relationship but what you’re describing is like too much.
Yeah don’t care what others are about to say about your marriage if you both are happy and improving that what all matters..
Best of luck 🤞
What does your husband do for *you* to deserve such treatment from you?
I’d be pretty pissed if my daughter was waiting on some guy hand and foot and he just sat there and let her without doing anything in return to make her life better.
Being kind and considerate and loving has to go both ways, otherwise you’re just a bang-maid. If the only way to make it so that you fight less is to become completely subservient to him while he disregards your needs entirely then this relationship isn’t worth saving.
> My friends roast me all the time for being in marriage counseling so I don’t care anymore.
you got not so good friends
> **I also told him he’s not longer allowed to do chores** I’ll do all the chores around the house and his only job is to come home and relax, and play with the kids.
You gonna make lot of people very butthurt here.
Leave your husband and marry me /S
Good for you, I sense your husband is not ordering you or anything, he is respectful when he asks for something and is thankful and appreciative when u do something for him. I dont see it bad thing. You just make your husband’s life pleasant and in turn he feels more connected and love you more. Who knew all you had to do was be good to your husband instead of waging a proxy gender war and you can get everything you want.
I gotta ask though, what made you decide to make the change
I don’t even bother my actual pts in the hospital that often……
Every 10 min on the clock seems crazy, I understand your parents being skeptical. Look to repair a marriage you need to work on it, not act like you are a butler. I ask my husband if he needs anything once in a while out of love not because I have to, and he knows if he needs something he can let me know. That is not the foundation of our marriage though, that’s not the most important stuff. Being there, being understanding, supportive non-judgmental not starting stupid fights, are more important than asking every 5-10 min if he needs anything if I were him I’d go nuts.
This has to be fake
I thought this was satire.
You will eventually get burnt out being his servant. I personally want a future wife, who is more of an equal partner. So little things, like bringing a snack is appreciated but not a given or expected. At some point, I think this will cause anger on your part because you will feel the inequity of the situation.
I think you’re right and the jealously. It can make people mad when they see others have what they want but aren’t capable of achieving it themselves.
Don’t let others define your marriage or tell you how it should be.
Are you happy? Is he happy? Are your kids happy?
Then, you’re fine. 🙂
Yeah, this isn’t real.
I mean if you’re happy in this dynamic then there’s nothing wrong with that. It doesn’t sound like you are though. I get doting on your spouse, I definitely check to see if my husband needs anything and make his plate etc. But you seem to be overcompensating… Looking at the clock every 15 minutes to make sure you go see if he needs anything feels anxiety driven not natural caretaking. Is he reciprocating any of these behaviors? Also why the shirt lol weren’t you at a family gathering? Who was that for?
Your attitude toward your mother is concerning. She seems immature but concluding that because she’s divorced she wasn’t a good wife is equally so.
You always choose your spouse over the parent. I do think you are a bit overboard on the asking if he needs anything and he doing no chores. But it if works for you then it works!
This is weird to me. Every 10-15 min? A football game last anywhere from 3-4 hours. Asking 4-6 times every hour is insane. Thats not keeping your man happy. Thats obsessive. Why not just occasionally? Like once an hour tops? Even a paid assistant arent this devoted. Like what is this marriage counselor say about this? Bc i dont know a single good one that would consider this healthy
You aren’t acting like a better wife. You’re acting like a servant. What does your husband do for you? Honestly, if I were to ask my husband if he needs something every 10-15 mins I’m pretty sure he’d become annoyed. If you’re getting up or getting something for yourself, by all means, ask if he wants something. But never expecting him to cook, do chores or literally anything for himself isn’t healing your marriage – it’s making yourself smaller than him because that’s what you think you need to do for him to stay. If that’s true, the marriage was over a long time ago. If it’s not true, he wouldn’t be allowing you to treat him this way. My parents would be furious to see me lower myself to these standards.
I’d have a conversation with my daughter if she was treating a BF/husband like this. IMO, it screams that there are possible abuse issues.
TBH, it’s alarming that your husband would accept this every 10-15 minute serving him behavior. It’s ridiculous that he’d accept you taking ALL of the chores, or letting you cook all meals.
I’d suggest that this is not a sustainable strategy to fix your marriage and you may be with a very selfish guy who’d accept this as the fix.