My bf and I have been together for almost 6.5 years. We have had a decent amount of ups and downs in our lives/career, and that has flowed into our relationship. However, overall, we are happier now and doing well as a couple, and have always been incredibly committed to each other and our relationship.
We have been seriously discussing getting married for the past few years, but the timeline just keeps getting moved out and out. At this point, I think I’m getting scared that it’s never going to happen and I feel the clock ticking. It is honestly becoming increasingly anxiety provoking for me, because I absolutely want to get married and have children.
We are going away on a big backpacking trip in the spring, and I’ve made it just about as clear as I can that I am hopeful that this is going to be it. Like maybe 10% expecting the engagement without saying it out loud.
Is it an ultimatum for me to say in a really respectful way, if you aren’t ready by then, I can’t waste anymore of my life waiting? Not in a ‘you must do this’ but more of a ‘make a decision one way or the other’. It feels so pointless to have this trip in my mind as the be all end all date, without giving him the chance to make his own choice. And I feel like if I don’t say it out loud, I will keep making excuses to let myself wait.
TL;DR! is it an ultimatum to say I want to be engaged by a certain trip to let us both choose one way or the other, and avoid wasting more time?
21 comments
An ultimatum would be you demanding something from him, you are simply letting him know that if he still is undecided, it will be time for you to move on.
Now to be clear, I don’t think it’s a good idea, ultimatum or not. But I understand that in your mind, you are giving him one last chance so that you can say you tried your best before ending things.
Yes it is an ultimatum, but that’s not a bad thing. He has been stringing you along for some time now; it’s ok to force him to tell you the truth so you can make decisions about your life with it.
If he wanted to marry you, he would have proposed by now. It’s just simply not something he wants to do.
A better question is whether you really should want to marry someone you have to give an ultimatum to in order for it to happen. Sunk cost fallacy at work.
You’re not wrong for giving an ultimatum, but I’m struggling to understand why you think it’ll be effective.
Do you want to coerce someone into marrying you? If he does propose then it’ll be because he wants to be with you, not because he wants to marry you. Then if you do get married and things go sideways, he’s going to blame you for forcing him into something that he didn’t want.
It seems like you’re on two different paths. The conversation you should have is whether those paths are going to cross, not giving him an ultimatum to force him into a situation.
There’s not enough in this post to say one way or another. What was your last conversation with him about this and when was it and how did the conversation end?
It is an ultimatum. But one that is justified in my opinion. 6.5 years is plenty of time. It doesn’t even necessarily have to be specifically tied into this upcoming backpacking trip but there’s no reason for him to continue stringing you along if there’s not going to be a future for you two.
What will marriage change in your relationship?
I wouldn’t want to marry someone I had to give an ultimatum to. I’d only marry someone who knows absolutely that they want to marry me and is excited about it
There is nothing wrong with it. It isn’t ok to keep stringing you along. Just because he’s content with things how they are doesn’t mean you are. It’s important to you and if it’s not to him then it’s time to move on
I Waite to leave until I was 33 years old, he wasn’t ready for kids but promised… after this or after that we could start a family. I waited 11 years.
I finally met a good guy who is wanting a family and guess what? I had to get a hysterectomy. I waited too long and paid the price. Just take that into consideration. Also, idc if everyone tells you examples of people they know who’ve had babies in their 40’s- statistically it just is so low and very very hard.
Has he verbalized to you that he wants to get married to you when you guys have talked? Do you think he’s making excuses to push it off? What’s the vibe?
I’m not in a similar position per se (we don’t want children)
But I had decided earlier on in my life wanted to “choose my family” part of that was important so that person has legal rights to protect me from my abusive family. Also I want that promise.
It’s been almost 5 years for me, my advice? Don’t bother waiting. Go and find what will make you happy. He doesn’t want to marry you.
I’ve refused to give an Ultimatum (even though before we became official, he asked, and I did say I’d wait no longer than two years for confirmation), I extended my timeline without an Ultimatum because love is a silly mistress, I would never, ever reccomend doing so having done so myself. I’ve started a business with my partner, they will get half. Without marriage that all goes to people I want to give nothing to. There is no fighting it, they will have control over my health if incapacitated, and the partner will get nothing. What’s the point?
This may seem weird, but one thing always confuses me and seems like a perspective thing many people could benefit from. Instead of delivering an ultimatum, why not propose?
I noticed you said boyfriend and not fiance. If you truly want to speed the process up then throw out old gender norms. Propose to him. It’s a much sweeter and nicer way to present the idea that you believe it’s time. After that, you can decide how to proceed based on how he reacts.
I suggest this because, let’s be honest here. Most men react to ultimatums with sheer stubborn foolishness. Why go that route when there is a other option. Propose, get the yes (or no) and set your time table after that.
I wouldn’t connect it to the trip, but it’s completely fair to have another conversation and figure out where he stands and clarify where you are and your expectations. Right now before the holidays can actually be a good time. Nothing to stop him from popping the question on NYE, unless of course he doesn’t want to.
Something like “ I love you and I love who we are as a team. We have talked about marriage and kids before. It’s still a priority to me and I need to know if it is for you too. I don’t need an exact date but I need to know it will be soon because it’s getting harder every day to understand what is holding us back”.
If his response is too ambiguous or doesn’t give you the certainty and confidence you need, then you have your answer.
Don’t wait until the spring. The idea you need him to propose is an old fashioned one.
Ask him. Ask him to marry you. If he says no, you have your answer.
Some people really want marriage and some don’t. Both is okay these days, if the decision is mutual. My Dad had these friends who’d been together their entire adult lives, they had a home and adult children and were in their late 70s, but they’d never married, they just didn’t care to. Nobody knew they’d never married until it randomly came out one day. It seems it does mean a lot to you though, I hope you resolve this to your satisfaction.
You deserve an answer, that’s the final line get you to the answer. Go for it
Why do you want to get married?
It is. I think it’s justified though. If he isn’t ready yet or doesn’t have an answer.. I’d walk away.
If he wanted to marry you he would have. He’s been stringing you along by fostering false hope via these “discussions” about marriage. You probably know, deep down, that it’s time to move on. Cancel the trip and free yourself from this anxiety.