Maybe it’s not that she’s unreasonable, or moody, or needy. Maybe she just expects her husband to uphold all those wonderful promises her made at the alter that faded by the time the honeymoon was over.

Maybe she asked him take out the trash because it’s too heavy and she will rip the bag while trying to rush the can to the curb because he forgot again and then cry as the truck passes because this is just one more thing he’d promised to change.

Maybe she huffs and puffs at the video games because it would be nice to not ask for quality time, because is it really quality time if she has to beg?

Maybe after months of being the live in roommate, maid, and personal assistant, she’d like to feel like there’s something in it for her.

Maybe she has nothing left to give but anger and regret for the man he used to be.

For all the nagging wives out there, I once thought I’d never be you, but now, I only feel sorry for both of us.

32 comments

  1. It aches my heart to read this. Me & wife had similar issues years ago. We had an infant, I had a new job, she was in university, it was difficult. We decided to take control back and started to schedule our life. Cooking, cleaning, day care drop, date nights, having friends over, laundry, etc. etc. We started turning mundane tasks to something we were doing together as a family. Life become busier (2 more kids, phd, my work demands, her clinical hours etc.) but we kept scheduling and adjusting and looking for balance. Seeing our efforts, our kids started to “pitch in” as our 9 year old wakes up and puts on a pot of coffee or empty the dishwasher without anyone asking her to because, in her words, “I was awake, I thought why not”. Our 5 year old taking out the garbage because “it was full”. During the pandemic, with my work on full swing at home, kids needing schooling and my wife need to work via online in complete privacy (clinical psychology) I thought “This is it, we are gonna lose control” but we didnt. That culture of scheduling and keeping on top of things and adjusting as demands change become so engraved in our lifestyle, we didnt miss a beat. Home cooked meals, family walks, my work, my wife’s work, infant (14 month old) care, kids education, family board games etc. just got worked in. YES, I played my video games. So did my wife, So did our kids but it is scheduled and arranged and everyone has a role. I hope this helps you. I hope your husband realize his current path is not going to work. You are going to be in my thoughts, I hope all will work.

  2. That’s exactly why I’m divorcing. I’m done with broken promises. I’m done being told that I should have just reminded him “one more time”. Or “you didn’t tell me”, or “Yeah, I meant to do that but I forgot,” or my personal favorite, I’ve gotten upset about something that I have to do because he didn’t do what he said he would do and he says “you don’t have get all passive aggressive about it.” Like, buddy, this isn’t passive, this is actively angry.

  3. Too many people see marriage as a “finish line” and then collapse on the ground. They’ve tried so hard to look like something they aren’t that they can’t maintain the illusion a second longer than they have to. Why are you still with him?

  5. My mom has a “funny” story. When she married my dad she was just like you probably—took care of a majority of the household chores and other invisible labor while working full time. She always told him that she wished she could have a wife too! Well, she got one. My mom has been married to a woman for 6 years now and it’s night and day. They have their problems, but the problems are never avoidance of basic household chores. I don’t want to say it’s a male/female dynamic thing but I think it is.

  8. I see men describing their wives as nagging and bitchy, and I always ask what they have done to make their wives that way.

    So anytime someone paints their partner in a bad light the first thing out of my mouth is “well, what about you?”

    There are two people in the relationship. There are two people responsible for making that relationship work. When one person isn’t doing their part it is no longer a relationship.

    If he isn’t actively working to be a better husband to you then he is never going to change.

  9. I’m sorry I know it’s shitty. Apparently, I married 31 y/o Peter Pan. He resents me for being overly critical, anxious, and nagging. I resent him for forcing me into this position because, of his poor decision making skills and how out of touch with reality he is. I have to be the bitch or we”ll end up living on the streets with our 3 children. I’d give anything to give up the reigns and let my guard down for a minute but, he won’t take over any responsibility. Not sure what the answer is but, I am seriously tiring of this dynamic.

  10. I was you in a previous long-term relationship: maid, personal assistant, chef, etc. My ex was just so disorganized and entitled and clueless, and i felt as if nothing would ever get done if I didn’t do it myself. He took advantage of how responsible and proactive of a person I was, and then made me feel unsexy, unwanted, and stupid when he ignored me in favor of parties and aimlessly surfing the web while I did chores and cooked. I feel you here. It SUCKS. Some men are just entitled babies who have never learned to be an adult and take ownership over their own lives.

  11. **This is a truly honest question… well, maybe more than one:**

    1. What do you think is going on in your husband’s life that has him so checked out? By no means am I saying his behavior is your fault (or anyone elses’). I’m truly curious.
    Like, is he the kind of guy who, if he were living on his own, would live in a trash heap and get evicted from his apartment cause he can’t pay rent? Or is he pretty competent, and just kind of… checked-out?
    2. Has he shown up for you the way you want him to in the past? If so, what was going on in his life that motivated him or incentivized him to do so?

    I’m honestly truly curious.

    **Like… if I were to teach a class to men about how to be a freaking amazing husband, what skills would you want him to learn?**

  14. Been there, done that.

    You stated this perfectly.

    It comes down to the fact that in not doing these things, the man in question is showing us just how much he respects us. I used to wait and wait for things I asked my ex to do (or that he promised to do) to get done, until I got to the point where I would just do them. I went from asking to nagging to yelling about them until there was action, except it was usually my action that got them done. When that would happen, I was “the nag” or I would hear “She’s bitching again, she must be on her period.” It wasn’t even because he had perceived gender roles. It was because he didn’t care.

    There were other circumstances that led to our divorce, but this was a huge stressor in our marriage because it affected so many things.

    I’ve since remarried to a man that is really old-fashioned in his ideas of gender roles, but because he loves and respects me and wants to help take care of our home, splits the chores (even the cleaning). It makes a world of difference.

  15. I am a firm believer in divorce… under the right circumstances. I know it is not easy, but if you are truly unhappy and resentful in your marriage it might be time to consider it. This is especially true if you feel yourself turning into a hateful person because of the unhappy marriage.

  16. Honestly you should consider going on strike. Stop doing stuff that can slide. Of course pay the bills, but his laundry? Nope. The dishes? Not you. Tidying up? Forget it. Watch the kids? Sorry, got a massage. Make it as uncomfortable as you can. It sucks for you, but it will force him to see how much you actually do. He’s banking on you to cave, don’t! Now take your new free time and go do self-care away from him. Go see your friends, go take a bath, read a book, whatever it is you do. But take the pressure off of you. If a house is messy, it’s messy. Prioritize yourself.

    Y’all would benefit from marriage counseling. He has to step up and you need to step down. People get passive when all the interactions are negative. Why would he do anything if you’re always angry? This is a common problem for a lot of relationships, but it is fixable.

    I did both of these things and it helped tremendously. But my husband wanted to go to counseling, acknowledged how much I was doing, and then I had to learn to back off and quit being so rigid. If he was going to take over a task, he does it his way, not mine. If your husband unwilling to try and change, then you’re out of options. Will it be perfect? Maybe not, but 55-45 split is way better than 90-10. And that might be enough for you.

  17. Same…. my husband calls me clingy but seldom initiates affection and his idea of “hanging out” is him playing video games and talking about what’s going on in the game from time to time. He thinks romantic gestures are a waste of time and money because he is 150% male-brained and I’m very much female. He sees things completely rationally, I’m more emotional.

    Our anniversary is coming up and I’m scared he’s not gonna do anything special or romantic, because aside for the random outbursts of passion followed by passionate sex about once every two weeks or so, our relationship is about as romantic as a dead fish. He likes it that way though, since he probably sees having a wife more like having a partner or best friend or built-in support system. I’m struggling with some serious mental health issues and I’d love some reassurance that everything is ok in the form of affection and kind words but instead he treats me like one of his bros and randomly calls me stupid dude names like butass 100% in jest because he thinks it’s funny.

    This behaviour makes me anxious and insecure about our relationship and then I act accordingly and do things that annoy him. It’s like a vicious cycle. I feel like I can’t talk about it because when I do he tells me I’m overthinking it and that he thinks we do spend quality time, he does love me, etc. He’s just not a sentimental guy. He’s mildly on the spectrum, works with computers, etc. so it might have something to do with it. Idk. I notice that this is an extremely common guy/girl mismatch. Like I know very few girls who complain that her husband is too romantic relative to those who say he’s not romantic enough I just want some actual romance some of the time. Like a few times a year would be GREAT.

    My husband suffers from depression and taking antidepressants so maybe that has an effect. I don’t know. He isn’t seeing someone because he feels his depression is situational and will get better once he finds a job (he broke down a few days ago about how he feels like a failure as a man since he can’t provide for his wife and wasted his 20s trying to “find himself” when he could have been building a career. I was supportive but felt he still needed therapy.) I told him if he is still depressed after he gets a job then he must get help and he said ok. He was seeing a therapist when he was suicidal several months ago and improved quite a bit but he plateaued after awhile (he still saw this therapist regularly). He stopped seeing the therapist after we relocated and he didn’t get a chance to find one before COVID hit (I told him to get Betterhelp and he didn’t).

    I never thought I’d be the nagging wife but now I’m the nagging wife. And I get it.

    I don’t know how to save our marriage. He is such a kind and gentle person, really smart, talented, genuine, fun to talk to, handsome, artistic… he has all the qualities I like in a guy except romantic. But I don’t feel loved or appreciated and I feel like it would be narcissistic asking for it. So I just stay quiet and supportive and hope things get better.

    (Note: both of us are currently studying and unemployed).

  18. If we were heard we wouldn’t feel like we were nagging. You aren’t a bitchy wife you are a human being who wants to be recognized as a partner and as a person of value. You want to be heard and you deserve to be heard. Ever consider not doing the things that are being taken for granted like the dishes, the laundry, etc. Perhaps making your own plans with friends or taking yourself out for something you enjoy to the extent available these days? There are many ways to be heard without actually speaking a word.

  19. Yeah, it’s ridiculous how media frames it as she’s crazy instead of focusing on the pain that made her “crazy”

  20. shit like this makes me sad honestly. The wierd thing is my wife has the same issues with me as I have with her but we never seem to just get on the same page to fix the issue. I have to repent for my sins before she repents. I think alot of us look at marraige as the end game. We take pride in our appearence and want people to want us, then when we say I do, we just assume the relationship is going to take care of itself.

  21. Hear you.

    Although mine is super good at taking the trash out. But the rest…..yeah no

    I miss the days of intimacy, hot sex, communicating. Just driving around in his sports car for the hell of it.

    Surprising me with a bouquet of flowers or even wildflowers he’d find at the side of the road just because. Whisper silly sweet nothings in my ear.

    I miss those days.

    The man I married disappeared shortly after our 1st anniversary. Our 40th is coming up next week.

    My parents will be married 64 years in September and my dad still romances my mom. It’s what I expected of my husband and marriage. Hasn’t happened in 39 years. Why I stayed, I have no idea.

  23. Marriage therapy, marriage counseling, marriage retreat, something to get away and get help or it won’t last much longer. Some of you will beat me up for this but I speak truth, where there are video game addiction there is probably porn addiction. My wife was bitchy when I was a jerk. She’s not bitchy anymore because I’m not a jerk anymore. Beat my XBOX 360 to death with a sledge hammer. Read r/loveafterporn every day. That jerk my wife had to live with isn’t coming back so neither is the bitchy wife.

  25. My ex made me crazy. I didn’t nag though because I was terrified too. He definitely left me feeling lonely and empty and sad. All. The. Time. I was taught to believe I am responsible for my own happiness though. So I spent so much time working on me and trying to fix me and find my own happiness.

    One day I realized he was an abusive meany head and left.

    Been with my new husband for five years. I don’t ALWAYS feel loved and heard. But if I don’t, it’s normally fixed in 24 hours.

    My experience has taught me negative behaviors are born of three things: someone who has a mental disorder, someone who hasn’t learned better but is willing to learn, and someone who is responding negatively because all the positive attempts have quit working.

    I have only ever screamed at an SO once. And it was after 8 years of not being heard by my ex.

    What you are sharing doesn’t sound like controlling nagging. It sounds like someone desperate to be heard.

  26. When my husband tries to use the “nagging wife” trope, I am honest. I say, “you never called me nagging before we got married. You need to treat me, at a base level, like you would a friend. We are friends.” I also iterate that I follow his lead. “If this is the type of relationship you want, then let me know and this is the relationship we will have.” He usually understands my point of view and changes the attitude.

  27. I have empathy. Most people don’t change just because they got married. Ladies please marry an actual grown up man who can already take care of himself, not a little boy you hope will turn into a man with time.

    Please don’t have children with this guy. If he is ignoring his wife in favor of playing video games, he will also ignore his kids for this type of nonsense. Chalk it up to this one being your starter husband, and trade in for a better model (men do it to women all the time).

  28. Can’t say I’ve ever looked down on women or viewed them as “bitchy” for being unhappy with their husband’s poor behaviour. I imagine mainly younger unmarried women would be the ones judging. It’s a common marital issue to be taken for granted and have a higher workload than your husband.

  29. My relationship is the opposite. I do much of the cleaning and organizing, while she prioritizes her TikTok. I don’t play video games, but do work hard, yet make myself available to her. We have a 2 and 4 year old who are both very demanding of our time. We argue a lot now, especially when she drinks. It’s been a rough couple of months. There’s much more to my story, but wanted to chime in from a mans perspective on this. I too wish she would prioritize me, the house, the kids over her phone.

  30. I hate every bitchy nagging wife thing I do. It makes me sick every time. It goes like this: I nag him and he calls me a nag. ‘He would have remembered! How dare I assume! Now, he’s not going to do it at all! That’ll sure show me!!!’ OR I don’t nag. ‘Now, he’s forgotten! Its all my fault! I was supposed to remind him! How could i have expected him to remember? I should know him better than that!’ Can’t get out of the blame game either way. Fuck ’em.

  31. I feel like his mother every time I have to tell him for the 100th time to do something. I fixed it by telling him once and then waiting a week and telling him again and if it’s still not done I do something petty like throw it away or throw it in the garage because it must not be important if no one picked it up for a whole week.

    Then the next day without fail”where is x?”

    “I put it in the garage somewhere because I didn’t think you needed it anymore. It was on the ground for a whole week….”

  32. As a husband who has gone thru this I can tell you, the secret is figuring out a way that both parties get what they want.

    In my case what I needed was simple:

    • Time to myself where nothing is expected of me

    • Her to trust me to do things she’s asked me to do, instead of ‘nagging’

    And what she needed was:

    • To have time where my undivided attention was hers

    • To see changes in areas where it was promised

    • To feel that she could trust that the things I said would get done, would get done , (this part is really important) in the time parameters she wanted.

    When we discussed it, I really wound up feeling bad because all she was really asking for was things that should be automatic. Literally all she was asking for was time with me, live up to promises and attention to her concerns. And once I started doing those things, trust that things would get done and that she wouldn’t always have to fight for my attention gave way to less nagging.

    I say all that to say, as with most things, communication is key. Sit him down and explain what you’re actually nagging for because the fact is, *it’s not much*.

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