I (18f) have a lot of interests that are often kinda male dominated so I often find myself wanting to be friends with guys. However I often feel a barrier between us that doesn’t seem to exist with other guys and I can’t help but feel like making friends would be easier if I were just one of the guys. So my question is, is there anything I can do to make guys more comfortable around me?
32 comments
Honestly just show the same passion for the interests as them and you’ll be fine. Some might not like it but they’re not worth bothering with. You got this 🙌
No.
Help them get a girlfriend if they want one.
Ah, you gotta ask: are these guys comfortable with themselves?
probably not. That and the ever present sexual tension.
Some guys like to accept women into men spaces, once they show their competitive side and prove they can go the distance.
Time and trust. Unfortunately insecure partners are probably holding them back from them opening up to you. It sucks, but I know this happens
Tbh them being comfortable with you, some girls might call you a pick me. So watch out !
If they’re male dominated hobbies, and you’re the only – or one of maybe a handful at most – woman, they’re probably on the defensive so that if shit goes south and you don’t return, they’re the one on the shit list for causing it; it’s like plausible deniability, everyone just thinks they’re “being cool” by not really being overly open, which is in turn causing the opposite effect and NO ONE is actually doing that.
I think you just have to give it time with the groups of guys, some may become regulars and recognize they can lower that guard, others might still not and it’s just how they’re going to be.
At my work, we’re a very male oriented department (Electrical engineers/designers) and when all of us get together, some of the dumbest – and I mean, absolute DUMBEST – shit you’ll ever hear comes from our mouths; some might try to curtail this around women, but I prefer to let it go as either they’re going to be onboard/at least take no offense (as they’re not insults towards you or anything), or just learn to tune it out and need to interact with me as what you see, is what you get.
Personally. I am of the opinion that men and women can’t really be friends, especially at that age. And the sooner you accept this the better. Unless you are really unattractive, which you probably are not. They will always be some kind of sexual tension. And that can present itself in them being standoffiish, shy, etc. etc.
Men are going to have a type of bond and understanding between each other that we won’t get with women. It happens because we empathize with each other. This just is. I think if you want to have that, then be nice, kind, inviting, and extroverted, but understand that there is a strong chance they will catch feelings in some way.
I mean one way of dealing with this is to be a lesbian or to have gay friends. Modern problems require modern solutions.
I can only say this as someone who has always been seen as one of the guys so I can’t really say as far as effort goes, it always came naturally to me. I also have worked in a lot of male dominated industries and the few tips:
I can say is that being able to give and take jokes that most women deem offensive is a big thing. Guys are disgusting and the things they say when women aren’t around are disgusting lol but being able to joke around with them will make you seem more like one of them.
Guys are also more light-hearted on the surface so not being full of drama is also a good thing. But once you have a good relationship with some of these, you’ll be able to have more deeper conversations with them. Some of my best friends are guys. That being said, if they ever get into relationships, be prepared to be disliked amongst girlfriends especially if you’re pretty. Try making friends with the girlfriends when you come across it cause it will happen.
Also, being honest with them when you’re talking with them regardless the topic of conversation. Men aren’t catty like women are so if they have a problem they’ll tell you and you should be prepared to do the same.
Those are the few things I can think of off the top of my head. I hope these help a little and men are welcome to respond if I said anything off base.
Depends.
Can you accept that most of them will probably be sexually attracted to you at one point or another?
Honestly, tell them you’re a lesbian, if they quietly back off they are friend/boyfriend material, if they ask you to kiss a chick, you’re probably accepted (or they’re a pervert). Helps if you are in fact a lesbian. Assuming you aren’t, and even if you are, just keep a situational awareness. A tension will always be there with most men, but some will just be great friends. Be careful though as much as there is great fraternity the world of men can be a barren wasteland if your goal is to be ‘one of the guys’. Good luck kid!
Although it’s possible for men and women to be JUST Friends, it’s more rare than most women would like.
If you are that fun to be around, AND they find you attractive. The why wouldn’t they want to be more than friends. That’s what most guys are looking for. Someone who is attractive AND very fun to be around.
You can’t really be “one of the guys”, because just like women there’s a bunch of shit you only say when it’s just the boys or just the girls. And if you are around, they will have that feeling that they can’t really be themselves around you. 🤷🏽♂️
if you are hot it can be kinda tricky in my experience
takes a little time to get over the impulse of wanting to jump their bones
If you’re even mildly attractive, 99% will want romance.
Men tend to make friends based on shared interests, so just find social groups that are involved in your interests and it will happen organically.
A word of advice since you are young and you sometimes feel a sort of barrier with making friends with men so I’ll give you an idea of what might be causing that barrier from you being fully accepted and included in men’s spaces. Men tend to enjoy dark humor and poking fun at each other is actually a sign of affection. It’s important to keep in mind that for men a “safe space” is more about feeling like you can express yourself honestly and explore ideas without other people focusing on how they feel (if they get offended that sort of thing) about what you say. Women by contrast often think of a “safe space” as one where people are not going to offend each other, that is validating and overtly emotionally supportive. So in male spaces if someone expresses an idea and your response is “I find that offensive”, you did the faux pas by making others feel like they have to walk on eggshells.
There are many reasons for this difference, if you give it a genuine shot, I suspect you will find that men as friends are kind, caring, and understanding in subtle ways. The stuff that seems less kind rarely actually has that emotional undertone; women often infer a lot of emotion in everything, whereas men don’t think in those terms.
I think it’s very easy for a guy to catch feels for a girl that shares his interests, which is obviously uncomfortable if not reciprocated. In your age group, many guys might also not have much experience around women.
I think the only answer is going to be time.
Yeah every woman I have allowed to be a friend in some way shape or form expected more from me, like the girls I’ve actively put time into to cultivate friendships they’ve tried to push it, then when they got push back they close off and deny deny deny.
To the point I’ve had a girl claiming to me my friend then tried to get me to sleep with her, when I declined she went out of her way to try and get me in trouble, luckily I had another friend who was also a girl inform me of what she was trying to do and I shut that shit down.
The barrier is there for a good reason, don’t push it If you are a genuine person that will come through in time with your actions.
from my experience with “gamer girls” it takes it while for them to either:
1. fall for you
2. or adopt you into their ride or die group
Get a serious boyfriend, so they don’t consider you available.
No idea, I have a friendgroup with like 6 dudes, 4 women, a nonbinary
Some more that are rarely active so I don’t count them in rn,and well
We all harass another equally, lay atop of another equally with the exception of those who don’t like physical contact, and all game together.
It’s probably just the dudes mostly growing up with other dudes doing the male dominated things; if they grew up with same-aged women/girls, they will probably be similarly comfortable around you as around their dudes.
Just gotta meet the right people
>but feel like making friends would be easier if I were just one of the guys
I pretty much feel this way about myself. And I’m a guy.
Clear communication, setting boundaries will get the message across for most guys.
You want to do men a favor. Don’t friend zone them.
Sort of but very, very, very few women become just one of the guys and if you’re attractive, they’ll all want to fuck you.
Dudes will always see you as a woman. Not another guy and you’ll never be in the circle 100%
What about 1 or 2 female friends that are like you?
If you aren’t trying to flirt with them chances are it’s going to be fine and there won’t be any awkwardness. Just be genuine and up front. The only way I can see a problem arising is if flirtation is involved which I doubt you’re doing anyway.
Don’t get offended. It might seem like I’m telling you to let them be ugly people but that’s not what I mean. If they have to edit what they say in order to be around you then you are a source of discomfort and they will resent that. Correct them when they say blatantly ignorant shit, but also accept that jokes are jokes, bad takes are bad takes. Don’t make them change to accommodate
I think it’s hard if your attracted to them because lets be totally real if some girl is hot and then she speaks to you and is really kind in what world wouldnt you want them if your single.
So i dont really know what you can do apart from banter, flirt if you let them know you have a bf they just dont speak to you if your boring.
For example i grew up with girls and boys like 24 people in my area i was outside every day and i kissed like 5 when i was younger lol even an older one. You talk about things you like things you do but eventually your like your hot lets go out. I grew up with these girls for years i dont speak to any of those girls now i speak to 3 of the boys.
To be honest — you might have trouble depending where you are regionally, etc. I say that because in certain places, you find certain kinds of gender-based social expectations that are a little bit more nuanced than what’s usually talked about:
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* Some straight guys don’t have the mental framework, or the capacity to understand or realize a platonic relationship with a women.
* Some straight guys are aware enough about themselves or their social circle that they are concerned with *getting caught red handed* with their demonstrated sexism, and as a result get nervous when they are out doing their *guy stuff* and a women shows up to join in a manner that any guy would
Some way, some how — just do your thing without changing yourself, and if possible find a more mature group of men to involve yourself with in these kinds of activities. In the long run, I think you’ll be just fine.
My 2 cents
Try looking into local meet-ups and practice, I’m a bit socially awkward, but I was much more so when I was younger, it’s all about finding that right crowd and seeing what ages/people/clubs you jive with best. Keep going to those things you like going to and test the waters!
The thing is you are dangerous, men aren’t safe when you are around.
I cant think of a female example of hand, but hopefully this is close enough to get the point across.
I ~~have~~ had a male dominated hobby, one week, my opponent was a M2F trans person, whatever, don’t care, just here to roll some dice.
About half way through the game, after a, brave, series of moves by my opponent and a reasonably lucky series of dice rolls by me, saw me rip the guts out of their centre and my general kill their general in single combat and eat his soul, I said the unforgiveable words, “ouch, bad luck dude*” they went F-ing mental, after 30 seconds I just packed up and left.
Did it end there, of course not, they complained to the hobby group, the wider hobby group circle we were affiliated with and the owner of the building we used. I was officially asked not to return to all three.
Within a month the group was dead, I’m told I had the record for how explosive the blow up was but every interaction ended pretty much the same and people just stopped turning up, and we were back to gaming around kitchen tables at our personal homes.
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* I call my mum dude, I call everyone dude, we are all dudes.
https://youtu.be/eSWmYVDpMuA?si=Z1m5-TrTBfSgP_R-
Listen. You’re not a guy so it’s always going to be a bit of a different dynamic. You shouldn’t really compare. Just be open, enthusiastic and informed and talk to people. That’s all you can do.
Learn about sports. That’s what guys talked about when they know nothing about each other and just want to shoot the shit.