My wife (27f) and I (30m) have very different libido levels and it’s frustrating and disappointing us both. She has a much higher sex drive than I do, usually asking for sex several times a week. Meanwhile, if left unprompted, I can easily go several weeks or even a month or two without realizing how long it’s been since I felt aroused.
When we do manage to have sex, it’s amazing. There’s good communication, a lot of intimacy, both of us usually get off, it’s a great time. When we were in college, of course, we’d go at it like rabbits. But in the last year or so it’s gotten kind of rare for me to actually feel horny and in the mood. I understand that as you get older things start to slow down and whatnot, but it feels like such a drastic drop off in a relatively short time span for me.
This has the unfortunate effect of lowering my wife’s self-esteem, as she believes she’s becoming less attractive to me. Which couldn’t be further from the truth. But it’s hard to convince her of that when from her perspective, her husband is becoming less and less interested in having sex with her. She tries to be understanding and accepting of the issue, but I can tell she’s frustrated and disappointed every time I deny her. Honestly, I am too. I love sex with my wife and I’ve been very forthcoming and blunt with her about how amazing the sex is. It’s very demoralizing feeling like I can’t perform my husbandly duties when I want nothing more than to do just that.
Any advice is appreciated. I just want to make my wife happy.
EDIT: Thank you all for the advice. I’ll schedule a doctor appointment to check for low T and try to work out/sleep/take vitamins more. Hopefully it’s nothing medically serious and is fixable with some lifestyle changes.
14 comments
Have physical exercises (weight lifting), make sure you sleep at least 7, better 8 hours, control your stress, control your weight, see doctor for testosterone level check.
Exercise, get rest. Get your appetite from looking at other women and eat at home. Seriously
If your libido dropped a lot without warning, it might be cause to see a doctor.
That being said, you mostly talk about not being horny, can you be turned on? You could try doing foreplay/making out/touching/cuddling and see if it does anything for you. If your wife is into it, you could take sexy pictures of her, that might help (plus, you’ll have the pictures to look back on).
Try sexy things without the goal of sex in mind, see where they take you
Honey packets
At 30, age isn’t the cause of your drop in libido. It is most likely a medical issue. You should get a testosterone check and it should not be at the low end of the normal range as the low end is for oldies.
Crystal Meth, although I wouldn’t recommend it.
[removed]
Hmm, most answers here are spot on but I would start with vitamins in lieu of regular exercise and sleep. Maca Root, Sea moss, cod liver oil, magnesium, vitamin A, Vitamin D, Zinc, Turmeric ‘ Ginger, Ginseng, B-complex. Keep body fat low. Good luck!
My husband is currently being treated for low T. He and I were in the same situation as you and your wife. It’s a physiological problem, and I have to remind myself of that. I have recently lost weight and was feeling so great about myself, then his libido tanked. He kept blaming it on getting older, and it finally took me being honest about how much his lack of interest hurt me. I still don’t know if my confidence will ever come back. Being rejected over and over makes me feel stupid, desperate, and repulsive. He swears that I turn him on and that he thinks I’m the sexiest woman and only wants me. I don’t believe him, but that is part of my own issues. The trt is helping a lot, but I have almost completely stopped trying to initiate. I’m always clean and ready to go, and my husband knows that.
30 is a little young.
1. Do you use any sort of medication?
2. Do you get enough vitamins and minerals?
3. Do you work to live or live to work?
You don’t necessarily have to be crazy horny to have good sex. Sometimes, it’s just a moment of intimacy with your partner and you want to help them meet their needs. My libido is much higher, so my wife often helps service me and does mind-blowing things to me. Sometimes, just gotta go out of your way to do something for your partner.
A few people mention seeing a doctor or that low testosterone might be at play. That could be true; it’s always important to consult your physician. But! Don’t neglect the psychological aspect of this! Many marriages face complacency/staleness issues and it’s not necessarily the “fault” of either person. If you find that there’s nothing wrong with you physically, communicate with your wife and start thinking outside the box. Try new things. Be adventurous. Discuss new toys, places to have sex, watching porn together, playing sex games, roleplay, sex therapy, kink roulette, etc. I guarantee that when something new and interesting clicks you’ll be right back to your college days!
Just to chime in here – this will end your marriage, and not well. You have to take this seriously. There is an awful double standard about this. Your wife can have low libido and it’s your duty to deal with forever and be a good husband, but if YOU have low libido, you’ll be judged harshly and her inevitable cheating will be looked upon as justified.
This is something that IMO should be looked as a “leading indicator” of mental health, the way the erectile dysfunction is looked as a leading indicator of cardiovascular health. As others have said, consider testosterone replacement therapy, but don’t JUST do that. Make sure you see an endocrinologist and understand what happened to you – at your age this may be a pathology that might otherwise go undiagnosed. In my own case it was a tumor.
Also I just want to say, several times a week in her late 20s isn’t really “a really high sex drive”. A really high sex drive would be wanting sex twice a day.