I know this question is kinda heavy, but I’ve heard from multiple sources that *some* men are less attracted or “turned off” when they learn that a woman they’re interested in/dating has been sexually assaulted.

as a man, what is your view on this?

37 comments

  1. It’s not that we think you’re gross or “less than” for being the victim of sexual assault, it’s that, in general, *people* (not just men) tend to avoid those they think might come with a lot of baggage. It’s ugly and unfair but it’s reality.

  2. I pity them, for the most part. The only way my attraction would be lowered is if they’re, umm, damaged and can’t have sex or be touched by a man without some sort of panic attack.

  3. Can’t speak for all men, but I would just want to see how I can be supportive and not inadvertently trigger any trauma. Being a victim does not define you as a whole person.

  4. In general, less attracted and turned off. We’re not grossed out. We men don’t want to deal with the baggage.

    Some of us are skeptical because when we ask about the assault we find out it was something other than assault. Like “drunk sex” where you were both drunk and you probably wouldn’t have been involved if not drunk. Or “regret sex” where you had sex but regretted having it for one reason or another. It was just sex the woman wished she had not had; it wasn’t “assault”. So we get skeptical because we get concerned that the woman isn’t being honest with us.

  5. I want to feel bad for them but not exactly pity them. I don’t know. Everyone handles grief differently and I would prefer to be what they needed if it came up during dating. Some may need support while others simply want a distraction to forget. It comes down to the individual and their needs at the end of the day.

    I would.t feel turned off though unless they weaponized it against me.

  6. Being with someone who has that amount of trauma is a lot of responsibility. And wether they realize it or not, a lot of men know this and choose not to take the responsibility

  7. I feel very sorry that they went through it and I hope that they find the healing they need.

    It does turn me off and make me want to avoid being intimate with them. I don’t want to accidentally do or say something to trigger anything.

  8. I’d show concern, compassion and ask what they need of me. Would understand it will take time (perhaps forever) to move past the triggers.

  9. Honestly I’d never find it a turn off. I’d probably try to be more careful not trigger any sort of reaction with a partner who’d be assaulted. Would probably talk it out with them, see if there’s anything I can do, or what makes them more comfortable.

  10. I am unaffected by it, unless you constantly act like it’s my fault it happened or expect me to be able to fix it.

  11. My experience in dating a survivor was that it became exhausting to continue the relationship. Primary reason is because there was in her case a fundamental mistrust of men following the experience which is totally understandable and valid but the practical outcome was that I was treated with suspicion by default despite a long term history of having treated her with respect and dignity.

    As I said, I found the outlook she had to be entirely understandable but that did not change the fact that her outlook inherently affected how I was treated by virtue of who I was biologically. So over time it wore me down and we ended up separating. I probably wouldn’t do it again because I don’t have much desire to put myself in a position of being treated that way on behalf of another’s actions.

  12. I don’t judge. However if you’re going to date someone with sexual trauma it 100% will affect your sex life.

    Honestly it depends on if she is even trying to work through it or if sex is just a dead zone topic that you don’t bring up.

  13. It’s terrible, but as many others have said it definitely comes down to emotional baggage. We all come to the table with baggage, some more than others. We also have different levels of being able to deal with others emotional baggage. In the end we are responsible of trying to take care of our own baggage as much as possible and if someone is capable of doing that then that’s what is most important.

  15. To be totally honest, these things often result in issues. Both when it’s women and men who are victims.

    Most men would prefer a woman with as few issues as possible. So finding out about deep massive traumas from the past, might make a man think twice if he is ready to be in a relationship with the woman.

  16. I’ll agree with what other commenters have written which is avoiding baggage. I’ve my own share and am understanding about others baggage, but it’s understandable for people to avoid it when they can.

  17. In my mind, sexual assault is about as low as someone can get. (The assailant, not the victim)

    I wouldn’t think any less of a victim of sexual assault, but I would think they could be having a terrible time dealing with it and things might be touch and go for a long time. And also accept the possibility that they may never truly be over such a traumatic event.

  19. Dated a survivor once, I don’t think I could do it again. I’ve got a lot of shit I’m dealing with on my own and I’ve learned I can’t handle the additional emotional work that an abuse victim needs.

  20. It’s just another trauma to take into consideration when sharing a living space as far as I’m concerned. I dated some ladies that had gone through it before we met. They were less crazy than some of the girls I dated that hadn’t been sexually assaulted. So it just varies from person to person.

    I feel women that have been sexually assaulted are human beings that have experienced trauma. No more no less.

  21. The same way I feel about anyone with baggage or mental illness.

    If you have it handled and under control, cool.

    If you don’t, you absolutely have no business dating and I’m not coming within 30 feet of you romantically.

    Don’t make your problems everyone else’s.

  22. Me personally, it’s not so much as a turn off as it is a “caution sign”. I feel sorry for anyone that has that experience, but I’ll more than likely avoid anyone with it.

  24. I feel badly for women who (claim to) have been sexually assaulted.

    I don’t want to date them. I don’t want to be in relationships with them. They almost always have too much baggage, and sorry, I’m not interested in helping someone else carry that or, worse, purchase it and have to unpack and sort through it. Women have to deal with that themselves, and get healed up, before getting themselves into relationships where they have responsibilities to their men and where their men are rightly entitled to things from them. No.

  25. I feel sorry for them. Anyone that’s turned off by something like that is just a dickbag.

  26. Lots of women in the US have taught me that “it depends on the context. Were the rapists the Freedom Loving Hamas guys?”

  27. A harsh but honest take:

    1. Sexual assault often leads to trauma which can cause many issues in a relationship
    2. Some people are significantly more likely to put themselves in bad positions which is often tied to other traits which may not be appealing for a potential partner. This isn’t a red flag, its more something I keep in mind as I get to know people.
    3. Some people lie about or overstate sexual assault. As a man, there is some level of concern I have about dating someone who might be doing so for my personal safety. Again not a red flag, but something I keep in mind.

    It’s worth pointing out that I have been SA’d in the past, so its not something I am unsympathetic about. I don’t think someone having been SA’d is a dealbreaker by any stretch, but its also not a neutral piece of information either.

  28. It’s a heavy burden to live with for her so it’s gonna take a lot of empathy and compassion to love her through that. A piece of her soul has been destroyed and it’s hard but possible. Imagine what she’s going through.

    (It’s easier if she’s doing the work to heal if she’s self destructive avoid avoid avoid.. speaking from experience)

  29. One must have to become her therapist first and walk on egg shells for many months until she recovers from it fully.

    And many of the times it’s not worth the effort.

  30. I’d be suspicious until convinced that it even happened. With all the horror stories out there and my previous relationship experience being among them, it makes it seem like false accusations are the norm. Not saying that I’m going to call BS on it every time I hear a woman claim that it happened to her, just that I’m taking it with a grain of salt, starting with the assumption that the odds of it being false either due to being mistaken on what counts as sexual assault or outright lying are a lot higher than the odds of it being true and keeping an open enough mind to accept that it very well could be the truth. One accusation is enough to ruin your life, and you owe it to yourself to keep yourself safe.

    If I ever do end up with a woman who actually has been through that, I’d have mixed feelings. My ex-girlfriend drugged and assaulted me 3 times 12 years ago, and I never fully got over it. So on one hand I’d be empathetic. On the other, well, how much of a strain it might put on the relationship depends on the extent to which it affects her. Not wanting sex isn’t going to bother me that much if at all. I pulled off celibacy for the past 12 years and counting effortlessly, and it’s not often that I actually crave it. But not reciprocating the same empathy and/or no physical touch will kill my interest in continuing the relationship very quickly.

  31. It’s not that it turns me off. But i do carry alot of my own trauma.

    I find that words give little comfort to help my own shit. And I’m very uncertain how well physical contact would help a SA survivor. I would be devastated that I wouldn’t know how to help.

  32. I did it once. Only once. It was too much. I’m not a psychologist and empathy would only carry me so far. To say the emotional ride was a roller coaster would be an understatement. I felt AWFUL for her, but my dad sat me down and said it wasn’t my job to fix her or “nurse her back” and if it was too much for me, I needed to get out because my mental health was exactly as important as hers. He was right. And I did end it.

  33. It seems like a lot of baggage for me to have to deal with. Why be with a woman with this when you can just be with a woman who isn’t dealing with PTSD. I have my own issues to deal with, I don’t need someone’s else’s problems

  35. Like the lines from Rent misquoted here:

    “No one’s perfect, I’ve got baggage.”
    “I’m looking for baggage that goes with mine.”

    I feel shitty about saying so, but that baggage doesn’t go with mine.

  36. Anyone who holds this against a victim isn’t worth the time. It’s self-selecting.

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