I’ve noticed that I always fear upsetting people and that’s why instead of giving the honest answer which how i really feel about, i instead give the answer that i think won’t upset or anger them. How do I stop doing this? A few questions on rejection that I’d really like help with:
1. How do I respectfully end a friendship if I don’t want to be friends anymore?
2. How do you stop talking to someone that wants to keep talking with me? Without ghosting?
3. If someone asks me that they want to take something that i own for themselves, how do I tell them no?
4. How do I decline when someone asks me to do them a favour/task/chore?
5. How do I become more comfortable with disagreeing with someone?
6. How do I know if someone wants to stop talking, is not interested, if they aren’t saying it directly and are giving non verbal cues?
3 comments
This is definitely a difficult topic but tbh you gotta use this as you’re rejecting a romantic prospect. Obviously, tell them why you want to cut ties and try to make it as respectful as possible and tell them you think they’re and amazing person, but as far as you need, right now, you don’t need their friendship. Of course, they will be upset and that’s normal with rejection but if they start to berate you, then the best thing to do is walk away or block them. In the end, it’s about your mental health, not about their feelings
1. and 2. Just tell them how you feel about the situation and leave. You can’t anticipate poeple’s reactions, you can say the most respectful speech to them and they can still take it badly. If they are not ok with that or insisting the only thing you can do is blocking.
3. The answer is in the question, that something that you own, you don’t even have to explain yourself, just say no. A « normal » person don’t ask that, that’s a basic bondary. If someone allows himself to ask that (depending on the thing) they know that you’re the type of person who don’t like to say no and they’re taking advantage of you.
4. Same just say no without over explaining yourself. Poeple who really cares about you wouldn’t take it personally.
5. Train yourself gradually. For example, try with poeple who respects you and you trust, first your family, your friends, and then when you more comfortable, your coworkers, etc. Usually, nothing badly happen when you’re disagreeing with someone.
6. Usually is by their actions. If they’re not taking your emotions in consideration, if you feel they’re talking to you only to obtain a certain thing, if they take time to respond to your texts, if they don’t care about what you like or what’s happening in your life.
When I am sensing that something’s going on with someone, I am the type of person who just ask what’s the problem and 99% of the time, the person never admit it bc they like the situation as it is (like a man who makes you believe that he wants to be with you just for him to have sex) or the ego is too big.
As a poeple pleaser myself, train yourself being more selfish, stand firm on your positions, build some confidence. You don’t wanna upset poeple so you must be very empathetic but your well-being has to be the most important thing. Your feelings and boundaries are as important as other poeple’s, even more important. Saying no doesn’t make you a bad person, it’s just make you a person who respect himself and his boundaries. When you’re with the good persons, it shouldn’t be problematic. I was always afraid to say no but when I saw that nothing bad happen afterwards, I took more confidence.
Take the time you need
Okay that’s a lot of issues, I’m just going to address #3 and #4 since those are asked less frequently, and I just answered this at length earlier this week. Here is what I said regarding being more assertive in responding to other people’s requests:
#Assertiveness Advice#
You need to have some stock phrases that you use that will stop the encroachment.
* “Sorry, that won’t work for me.”
* “I can’t do that, but thanks for asking.”
* “Doesn’t fit in with my schedule, maybe another time.”
* “Sorry, I’m too busy to help with that.”
* “That doesn’t work for me, maybe someone else can help you.”
The key here is to NOT give a fuller explanation if the person tries to “talk you into it.” Just keep using the same phrase or variations of it.
Them: “You’re NOT busy, just DO it!”
You: “Yeah I AM.”
Them: “You did this for me BEFORE!”
You: “Sure, but it doesn’t work for me right now.”
Them: “Oh, C’MON, what else do you have going on?”
You: “Lots of stuff. Thanks for asking though.”
VAGUE VAGUE VAGUE.
Just because someone presses you for a more specific answer doesn’t mean you have to give one. No one should be permitted to pry into your personal life just so they can get THEIR thing accomplished. End of story.
You also need to do a mindset shift. Your time has value. Your actions have value. YOU have value. Just giving that away because someone asks means you’re not being a good steward of your own time/actions/resources. YOU should get to decide, not anyone else because they asked. If YOU want to stay home and watch TV or play videogames, that’s up to YOU to decide. Not them.
So the mindset shift is this: NO. Your default stance on anything and everything is automatically NO. (in your mind) The only way it changes to yes is if YOU see a good reason to do something. So it either benefits you in some way, has the potential to help you fulfill certain goals, or because you want to be nice to someone because YOU want that, not them wanting it.
And it’s ALWAYS okay to say, “I’ll think about it and let you know.”
Edit to add: In your case if someone is asking for an object you own, you can always say one of the following:
* “Sorry, I don’t lend that out.”
* “I use that too often.”
* “I’ll have to decline.”
* “I’m just not comfortable with that.”
It’s STILL important to stick to the main VAGUE response and not give further details.
THEM: “WHY don’t you lend it out?”
YOU: “I’m just not comfortable with that.” etc.