I have been seeing this guy for about 3 months. I went through a really bad breakup in September and downloaded bumble soon after because I was just looking for a casual rebound.
I met Berto(not real name) and told him right from the start I wasn’t looking for anything serious and just got out of a bad (albeit short) relationship. He agreed and said he not so recently got out of a 6 year relationship and agreed to keep it chill.
Well, took us a short amount of time to really like each other. I think he is wonderful! He’s smart, funny, kind, respectful, considerate and in therapy (also pretty handsome). And I know he really likes me too.
The issue here is, though I don’t miss my ex at all, I am not over the damage of that relationship, he really hurt me. I’ll be having a wonderful time with Berto and suddenly my brain will take me to some horrible moment when my ex did something hurtful. I do share this with Berto so he understands if I suddenly get quiet, it has nothing to do with him. He does a great job of consoling me.
Yesterday, after spending the weekend together, Berto expressed to me he desired to be in an official relationship. My heart fluttered and I felt happy then almost immediately thought of the pain of my last relationship. I expressed this to him and said I still think I need time to recover from my breakup and the pain I have there. That it feels just so quick (a mistake I made previously) and though I care so much about it, there isn’t such a rush to label things.
He said he knew I would respond that way, and that he understands, but said that he could help heal those wounds I have. We talked for hours and hours about it. He wasn’t pressuring me or anything, but just wanted to know more. I basically said I thought it feels wrong I’m having nightmares about my ex while we are sharing a bed (it’s happened 3 times).
My friend asked me what is the difference of putting a label on it if we behave pretty much we are in a relationship already. But to me, I see a difference making something official rather than “hanging out” so to speak.
He is going away for 3 weeks for the holidays and I think it will be good to have sometime for myself to think about he and I, and then I said we could reassess in the new year and he seemed okay with that, maybe a bit sad but he said he understood.
I have been in and out of therapy for 17 years, I know I should be seeing someone now, it’s been a year. Aside from the damage my ex did I have PTSD from other things and am a huge advocate of therapy. But I live in a country that I’m not a citizen of and I work freelance and am spending my extra money on language classes and dates with Berto.
I really don’t want to lose him, but I just think it’s too soon for me and I have no idea what to do.
I am seeing Berto two or three times a week, we’ve met each others friends, are sleeping together and not seeing other people, but to me, putting an official label on it is a big deal. I am just not sure I am ready.
People who have entered relationships carrying recent damage from a previous relationship (in no way missing their ex) did you find your new partner helped heal the wounds or did you regret the choice?
TL;DR the amazing man I’m seeing after 3 months wants to officially commit but I’m having mental blocks because of a past traumatic relationship
3 comments
Why does it bother you that you’re having nightmares about your ex while building something with a new, very supportive guy? Not a rhetorical question; knowing your answer could help give better advice.
i’m currently more in berto’s shoes lol but been in your shoes before sort of. one relationship worked out well for like 2-3 years, which had started like a month after a harsh breakup w/ a longer term partner. fwiw they were pretty different people as partners. i did care a lot about ex 1 when we were together but i think ex 2 and i were more compatible and secure overall. still amicable with latter ex too. tbf tho i was feeling ready for that one when it happened.
kinda funny i was the one first trying to warn my current person about trying to rush things coming out of a toxic relationship (which did seem way more intense than my worst experience). but we recently got in a groove that had me feeling more secure, changing my mind and asking whether we should label it… they said yes while dismissing their own feelings that came up, which they later came clean about. which did really upset me at first! but am better accepting and understanding of it after taking some space to cool off (delayed reactions are also common for me so)
i do think one’s healing lies more in their own hands than anyone else’s, so probably wiser to wait if you feel you need it so you can take more control of it yourself. and it’s true labeling can be a big deal, it’s like declaring “hello world, this is my person!!!” so if things do fall apart it can be much harder to face, more people might pry etc. thats extra hard when already unreeling from one bad breakup. plus how can someone really heal being rushed into something they aren’t comfy with? “love is patient” and all that other stuff lol
Sounds like no matter how you say it or see it, you’re not ready to give the guy what he wants.