Hi all, I’m in a little bit of a predicament and I’m not exactly sure what to do. Basically, a couple months ago some drama went down between my best friend at the time and my partner who I hadn’t even begun dating yet. My ex-best friend and I have known each other since the beginning of the year and while that isn’t very long, we developed a very close friendship before everything went down which is why I considered her my best friend. At the time that this all occurred, I had just begun the talking stage with my current partner and we have known each other since the summer. I’m not going to get into the drama because that would be an entire book on its own, but essentially my ex-best friend developed a hatred for my partner because my partner denounced one of our mutual friends for being homophobic and not telling any of us. This situation led to our friend group somewhat falling apart, and after that my ex-best friend found any excuse to claim that my partner (who I was not dating at the time) was a bad person and that she was manipulative. To be quite clear, I made it known to my ex-best friend that I did not agree with any of her claims about my now partner.
Eventually, it got to the point where my ex-best friend issued me an ultimatum, claiming that she believed that my partner was a bad influence. Essentially, she said that if I decided to date my partner that she would end the friendship. My partner reached out to her to explain that she never meant to cause any sort of trouble, and my ex-best friend proceeded to go out of her way to insult my partner, and list all the reasons that she hated my partner even though my partner never asked. I decided to date my partner after this, and the friendship ended.
Fast forward to now, my ex-best friend reached out to me to apologize and explained that she didn’t think that it was worth it to lose such a great friendship over petty drama. She said she saw me as a life-long friend. For context, this entire time I had been struggling a lot not having her in my life. Additionally, my ex-best friend and I are also coworkers so it has been very difficult to see her all the time at work. Despite the drama, we still had a great connection, but I wasn’t going to tolerate any slander of my partner. I agreed, but I told her I needed to speak with my partner about it. Needless to say, my partner was not okay with it and told me it’s insulting that I would even consider being friends with her again. The truth is, I really want to give her that second chance. She apologized and was willing to speak with my partner about it and try to fix things, but my partner refused to talk with my ex-best friend and said it wouldn’t be worth it and that she will not change.
Not having my ex-best friend in my life has been really affecting my mental health, but I can also understand how my partner feels. If I decide to be friends with my ex-best friend, not only would I be directly crossing my partner’s boundary, but there is a chance that she will resent me enough to leave. I value our relationship a lot and it would hurt just as much to lose her, maybe even more because she has always been wonderful to me. I’m truly stuck.
TLDR: My ex-best friend hated my partner over petty drama, insulted her, issued me an ultimatum if I decided to choose my partner. I chose my partner. She then came back, apologized and asked for a second chance, claiming that she sees me as a life-long friend and doesn’t want drama to end that. My partner is not okay with me continuing our friendship, but I want to see how it plays out.
4 comments
>she didn’t think that it was worth it to lose such a great friendship over petty drama
Note the manipulation inherent in this framing. It wasn’t petty drama. This was your ex friend going out of her way to antagonise and attack your partner, it was her setting ultimatums. If this is how she is trying to present all this to you then that is not fair at all and a massive red flag.
Especially as it implies your partner would be petty to stand in the way of a ‘life long friendship’ that didn’t even last a year. Your partner, unlike you who is massively invested in a person that ultimately put you in a very bad position, has no reason at all to give her the benefit of the doubt. In fact I’d say it would be a straight up naive thing for her to do just to forgive that ex friend.
She was not the friend you seem to have hoped she was. How quickly she turned toxic is a massive concern and one a simple apology doesn’t really help fix. She didn’t grow or change, she tried to force you to choose her and is sad you didn’t. Just be careful, I worry she was precisely the bad influence she tried to make your partner out to be.
I’m one to believe that friends should be there for you when you take bad decisions, to support you navigating problems and be your anchor. She started petty high school drama over the person that you ended up dating and on top of that threw an ultimatum for good measure. That’s not a friend.
Also, let’s say, hypothetically, that my wife had a friend like yours, that bad mouthed the hell out of me, I would be very uncomfortable with that relationship; to me it sounds like he’d want to get into my wife’s pants… but not only that, even if there is no romantic interest, there’s a chance she will turn on your partner once again and start poisoning the well… again. There are many stories, on this subreddit, of “friends” encouraging behavior like cheating because “you deserve better”.
Your partner has boundaries, and you understand them very clearly from your post. I’m not sure what you expect from this post, because you understand the consequences of your actions… the question is really whether you value more your relationship with your partner or with your “friend”. I know which I’d personally pick… and you know too… just be weary that entertaining the thought of this relationship with your “friend” may result in you losing your partner because “you want to see how it plays out”.
Toss the word “drama” out of the conversation.
This is your friend actively trying to break up your relationship because your (presumably) queer girlfriend didn’t like a homophobe. That’s nuts.
She did shitty stuff. She can apologize, but your GF does not have to accept that apology. Especially when it seems primarily driven because the friend misses you, not because she actually feels bad about being awful to your GF.
She’s the one who issued an ultimatum. Saying “nevermind jk” is pretty weak at this point, and it doesn’t sound like she’s truly taking responsibility for her actions
I think there’s a lot of details here that matter
Like…how is your mutual friend homophobic but still friends with all these queer people? I can see why your ex best friend was skeptical
But also…”and my ex-best friend proceeded to go out of her way to insult my partner, and list all the reasons that she hated my partner even though my partner never asked” is a very intense response.
If someone said whatever those things were to you, would you forgive them? Would you want your partner to be best friend’s with them? Put yourself in your girlfriend’s shoes basically
Unfortunately, I think your ex best friend fucked around and found out. As adults we don’t have the luxury of going off the handle at people and expecting to be welcomed back into those people’s lives like it is no big deal
You should not tolerate someone being bullying and verbally abusive to another person, which is what your ex best friend did. And no one should have to let a verbally abusive bully back into their close circle. I believe letting this person back in your life would really betray your current partner. You’d be saying that it’s acceptable to you for her to be hated and excluded and bullied and berated by people. That she needs to allow people who are cruel to her back in her life
This is what I would say to your ex best friend: “we had a wonderful friendship and I won’t lie and say I don’t miss you. Unfortunately what happened last summer was not petty drama. You were very cruel to my girlfriend, and I can’t send the message that I am ok with people treating her poorly by continuing a friendship with you. It wouldn’t be fair or respectful to her. I’m sorry things had to end like this, and I hope we can still be professional and supportive of each other at work. I understand people make mistakes and I have no ill feelings toward you. But sometimes actions are intense enough that they have unfortunate consequences like this. I wish you well.”
Put yourself out there and meet some other people. This person you’ve only known for a year isn’t an end all-be all. On either of your sides.