I’m not sure if I should stay in this relationship. Preface: I love my boyfriend, we have been together for 3 years. There has been some cheating from his part over the course of our relationship. When we first started dating, he was still seeing his ex and I didn’t know they were still involved. Their “relationship” continued until I found out. He broke it off with her and I gave him another chance. I asked him to go no contact with her out of respect. Our first year dating he messaged her multiple times behind my back for various reasons. Still… I‘ve stayed. I stayed after all of the cheating because he is the only person i’ve ever felt comfortable around. He genuinely makes me happy and I feel like I can be my unmasked self around him. I’ve found a way to forgive him.
I’ve known for a long time that he prefers larger breasts. I have a B-C cup… so nothing major. But they are cute and perky. I like to think I’m pretty attractive. But my self confidence has plummeted since the cheating and micro-cheating. Recently, he’s told me that he has been looking up how to get over his large breast infatuation. I’m trying to not let it get to me but my self confidence is already so low. I don’t even want to show him my body because i don’t feel like i am enough for him. I am exhausted trying to be a good girlfriend and be enough when I clearly never will be. He says he wants to be with me and wouldn’t leave me over boobs but he said it’s something he thinks about often and fixates on. I’m worried he will act on an urge and although he has proven I can trust him more than in the beginning of our relationship, I’m still terrified of being hurt again. I just started taking anti depressants to deal with anxiety and depression about a month ago and I just started to feel a little less worrisome and have been having minimal self hate. Now I can’t stop crying and don’t even want to look in the mirror.
I just don’t see how he would want to be with me when he could find someone that is better for him.
Has anyone felt or dealt with this? Has anyone been in his position? Am I vain or selfish for thinking about leaving?
34 comments
There’s nothing wrong with your boobs. He’s not cheating because of that; he’s just making yourself feeling guilty about it.
Honestly? You’re trying too hard to keep things afloat when your relationship began with so many holes in it, it’s a miracle you’ve made it this far.
He can’t just turn off what he’s attracted to. And ordinarily, that should be ok: no one can control what they find attractive. They can only control how they *act* on those feelings. But there will never be a reality in which your BF suddenly stops finding large breasts attractive. There can be a reality where you accept that fact and it doesn’t bother you *but that would require a relationship that was on far better footing*.
The fact that things are so bad that you have to be on medication to control it suggests that things are too far gone to rescue. Blame it on the infidelity (since that’s obviously where most of this lies). But I think you two, at bare minimum, need a long break from one another. You can’t recover stable footing under these current circumstances.
Can we re-frame that last question? “Am I sensible for needing to be respected and validated and leaving so that I can find someone who appreciates me for who I am, which he’s clearly never going to do?”
You deserve to be with someone who makes you smile, who desires you, and who is honest and straightforward with you. You will find that someone, and the sooner you free yourself, spend some time healing, and then make yourself available, the sooner you’ll be happy
I mean I think the real question is will you ever be able to get over the initial cheating? You love him but your mental health should not be on a steady decline due to your relationship. Is it really only the relationship that u have anxiety over? A relationship should improve your life imo otherwise what’s the point. If you don’t live together I mean at least take a break?
>There has been some cheating on his part
I read the whole thing, but after that sentence, why even consider the rest? Please have some self respect and leave him.
I love small breasts and even nearly flat so we all have our quirks he needs to calm down and accept the perfect breast his partner has.
Why would you stay with someone who makes you feel like shit and has already cheated? If you don’t respect you no one else will
Your boyfriend is a punk bitch.
Love yourself and kick that little boy to the curb. Your tits are amazing, I’m sure.
I’ve never once said anything about my preferences to any woman I’ve been with, directly or indirectly. I’m super sensitive about messing someone up like that. She is my preference.
Even when my ex said I had a little dick, I kept my mouth shut and just thought, she’s with you for years, it must be good enough. She’s just angry, don’t respond in kind, and I never did. And I could have ripped her apart. I didn’t.
For the exact reason listed above. I bet this woman is beautiful, and this knucklehead who doesn’t even deserve her is wrecking her self confidence.
Dump this dude and work on yourself.
Holy shit please leave this guy. I know you said you love him but it’s clear he doesn’t genuinely love you back if he’s cheated and on top of that he’s saying he’s fixated on features that other girls have. I think deep down you know what you have to do here, it’s gonna be hard but it’s better to rip the bandaid off now than to be hurt again when he inevitably cheats another time.
Also don’t let him hurt your self-confidence. Your features are totally normal, and you owe it to yourself to find a guy who’s loyal and is attracted to every part of you
um what a manchild, you deserve better
Omg, there’s nothing wrong with you. There is something wrong with HIM: he’s a lying, cheater.
Here’s how you build your self esteem back: dump the cheating asshole. You. Deserve. Better. Than tablescraps.
You can’t heal or do better in life when you have an anchor (him) dragging you underwater.
Leave. You’ll find someone who loves everything about you and that’s what you deserve
I don’t think you boobs are the issue…the fact he has cheated on you several times, kick him to the curb and find a guy that appreciates you and what you have.
OP, your boyfriend is clearly warped in the brain and quite honestly, is like a child given his age. My advice would be to find someone with more emotional and mental maturity that respects you, and everything about you. You do not need basic.
I’m hoping this gets through to you where softer fluffier advice won’t or hasn’t.
Get a damn backbone and respect yourself.
Cheating, lying, he’s slowly beating you down confidencewise until you never leave. And you know what?
That doesn’t even mean he’ll stay. Sooner or later he will leave or cheat on you again.
I don’t know why you’re mistaking this 1/10 guy for someone you would even want to be friends with, let alone be your partner.
He cheated on you more than once and you think the boobs are the issue??
DTMFA
>There has been some cheating from his part over the course of our relationship
>I’m not sure if I should stay in this relationship
You shouldn’t.
Have some self respect dump this asshole and never look back.
He has cheated several times
The first time someone cheats is the hardest as they don’t know what the response will be.
He now knows the response is forgiveness. So he will cheat again.
Thank you for coming to my ted talk
> There has been some cheating from his part over the course of our relationship. When we first started dating, he was still seeing his ex and I didn’t know they were still involved. Their “relationship” continued until I found out. He broke it off with her
Pretty much tuned out after this. Honestly, if you were my sister I would’ve told you to walk as soon as you found out about this, and the insecurity and lack of trust from this is only feeding your insecurities over your boobs. As far as boobs go, all are amazing, there isn’t such a thing as bad boobs. He might really like bigger, but that doesn’t mean he likes yours any less. In any event, the only way your relationship is ever going to work is if you can move past his transgressions completely. If you can’t, it’ll hang like a cloud over the entire relationship. I’m not saying you should, just giving you the context.
I too am infatuated with big titties. My wife’s are big, but there are definitely bigger out there. The trick your soon-to-be ex needs to figure out is how not to be a dick about it.
You need therapy. You need to lose this guy and gain self-confidence. You have clear problems with boundaries and self-esteem and this relationship is making that a thousand times worse.
Show this post to a therapist in your first session. It provides an excellent summary of your issues and a good jumping-off point to try and improve. Best of luck
The real question here is why would YOU want to be with HIM, not the other way round. Nothing wrong with forgiving someone, that’s not down for anyone to judge. I’m just seeing quite a lot of disrespect from his side, and that’s not ok.
Girl… wtf are you doing to yourself?
Love makes you dumb. This is a perfect example.
I think you should leave. If a man makes you feel bad about yourself it’s not a good relationship. He didn’t show respect for you in the beginning of the relationship and i’m not sure what he has done to show you he does respect you but the fact that he can’t stop thinking about other boobs doesn’t help. You are not selfish for thinking of leaving and you should express how bad this makes you feel if you decide to stay
Do you think his infatuation is the issue?!
You started dating him when he was 22. He cheated on you, and you stayed and stayed and continued to stay. Now, you’re asking if you’re selfish for thinking about leaving him? Break up with him because he doesn’t respect you, not because he likes big bosoms. And I get that you think you’re “quite attractive,” but that means nothing when you have low self-esteem.
Did your PCP or psychiatrist prescribe your antidepressants? If it’s your PCP, ask them for a referral because you NEED to see a therapist.
He’s with you for a reason. If he wanted a woman with huge breasts he would’ve been with one. Wonder if his ex has huge breasts?
I don’t think this isthe guy for you.. . Dishonesty, multiple cheats. Find someone that is honest and compatible.
Imagine having A cups in a world full of beautiful women
This is a tough one to figure out. He’s either extremely thoughtless and selfish, or he’s being psychologically abusive by telling you he’s trying to deal with his infatuation with something that you both know you can never provide.
And what exactly is he doing to manage this obsession? Is he actively seeing a therapist? Or is he simply letting you know that he’s making a huge sacrifice and trying to do his best to settle for your (in his mind) small and inadequate breasts?
If it’s the latter, that’s a toxic message to send to a loved one – it’s inevitably going to cause body shame and insecurity on your end.
It’s normal for a guy to be attracted to physical qualities that his partner may not possess. I am married to a Caucasian woman who I think is smoking hot, but I also find Asian and Latina women very attractive. Do I obsess about them? No. Do I make a point of stressing to my wife that I like Asian women? Hell no. What would that do for either of us?
If he’s obsessing about big boobs and telling you how much he loves/wants something you can’t provide – he’s either trying to break up with you, is being manipulative and abusive, and/or the guy has a serious psychological issue.
Either way, it’s not your fault and not something you deserve. You are worth so much more than that.
If your partner is making a point of causing you to feel inadequate because of the body parts you were born with, find someone else who loves you just the way you are.
Lose him.