Before I start, I must say I struggle with anxiety and a bit of depression, I am in therapy and have been for a long time.
I cannot stop overthinking about his ex. We have a great time together and this is the happiest I’ve been with anyone but his past relationship haunts me and it’s affecting my mental health and I want some advice on how to move forward.
Boyfriend (26M) and I (29F) started dating a little over two months ago, he had ended a relationship in July with someone he dated for 9 months. He said he stopped liking her months before ending it, due to her being mentally unstable, suicidal and overall he just didn’t enjoy the relationship anymore because it became toxic. He also said that he wasn’t sexually attracted to her and they barely ever had sex. She also moved into his apartment at the end of the relationship and he wasn’t very happy with that.
When we started dating, he told me he felt responsible for her mental health and that he had to keep in touch with her because she kept threatening to kill herself, I felt uncomfortable but wanted to see how things went. One time he told me, I don’t have feelings for her, but I can still be empathetic towards the fact that she has mental health issues right?
He would bring her up occasionally stating that when she moved out, she stole some of his clothes and jewellery (he really likes material things, collectibles etc), and just make random comments like “do you like cuddling in bed? my ex liked cuddling” and I just got fed up with these comments about her and we had a talk. One of the things he said was: “I want to be with you and only you, you’re not a distraction to me and the only reason I get triggered is because I was suicidal myself and I feel guilty for ending things with her”. I also told him that it’s the fact that they were still in touch when we started seeing each other that bothers me. It was quite an emotional conversation but in a good way and I felt secured. I noticed on that day, he also blocked her on social media, I didn’t even ask or anything.
His actions are that he likes me, wants to be with me, makes plans with me, has introduced me to his family, we have similar goals in life and to be honest, I have nothing bad to say about him as a person. He has his flaws like anyone else but he is a good person and he is kind and I don’t want to continue to burden him bringing this up when he’s told me multiple times he has no feelings for her. He tells me I’m creating stories in my head and that he understands why I’m insecure but that I have nothing to worry about, especially since he was the one who broke up and she didn’t want to.
This was his first relationship so it’s clear as daylight he doesn’t have a lot of experience with them. I on the other hand, have had my share of relationships, I’ve had all sorts of them, short, long and different types of people and it. I have done that in the past and stayed longer than I should with abusive people, so I’m trying to see this through the eyes of someone who doesn’t have much experience and didn’t know better. I also have some trauma from exes who had unresolved issues with their ex and that affected our relationship so I keep projecting that into our relationship when it’s been completely different.
But this is stopping me from being truly happy and I keep overthinking that he still likes her, that he’s using me, that he misses her and overall things that my brain keeps making up.
Please consider that this is the first time I’ve truly been happy with someone and see potential in almost 3 decades of my life, so breaking up is the last option. I just need some guidance here, please.
Tldr: how do I stop over thinking about his ex and their relationship?
3 comments
With time it might (might) pass. I’ve obsessed over a lot of things in my relationship and time seems to be best helper with that
I’m gonna be honest with you, the situation sounds a little iffy to me. If you guys are having these kinds of issues about this ex only two months in, it might be wise to pump the brakes on the romantic stuff until he can figure out what he wants to do.
He seems to have a lot of unresolved feelings about the ex, and no matter how much you talk about it, those feelings will only change when he’s ready. Keep in mind that he started dating you almost straight out of that relationship, so for him to have unresolved feelings is natural.
It comes down to what you’re willing to tolerate. Personally, I don’t like my partners speaking to exes due to past issues — it’s a dealbreaker for me. But you might be different and might be able to understand that this girl is part of your boyfriend’s life for whatever reason and tolerate their friendship.
You might be obsessing due to your trauma with the past ex issues. That’s not uncommon. Once bitten, twice shy. I would suggest talking with a therapist about these feelings you have.
There’s a lot to unpack here. People will often use suicidal ideation as a means of control to others, since it works really well. Case in point, your bf and his ex. He has to learn to recognize that and be okay just ignoring her. And it can’t be because you told him to, he has to accept that independently. You can encourage him though.
For you, you might not be able to eliminate those anxieties, but I’d suggest setting some hard boundaries with him. People on here seem to misunderstand what boundaries actually are so if you’ll indulge me:
A boundary is a rule you place on how people interact with you. It’s not expectations you place on other people. For example, “I need you to never speak to your ex while we’re a couple,” is not a boundary, because that is not an action he’s taking towards you. That’s a controlling restriction, and I think people have started calling that a boundary because it makes it sound more like, “You are the one committing the sin here not me by talking to her.” However, “don’t compare me to your ex,” is a boundary and one I think you and he’d benefit from setting. That’s something he’s doing to you that you don’t want.
Boundaries in a relationship are a good thing. He clearly has a lot of trauma from that relationship and the way it’s presenting with you is triggering your anxieties and frankly, very unfair to you. So if he makes a conscious effort not to bring that into your relationship, that might help a lot, but you have to make that pretty explicit with him.
It’s also clear you’re probably not the best support system for him in this area, and that’s okay. He needs other systems in place, no one person can be absolutely everything for you. And maybe, “I don’t want to hear about her unless she’s getting violent and I need to know,” might be another sensible boundary.