I (34F) started dating my boyfriend (30M) a few months ago, and things have been going incredibly well in terms of our chemistry and compatibility. We both have a lot of the same interests in common, and get along well together. I really do genuinely see a future with him in the long run.
My boyfriend and I are both avid World of Warcraft players, but he’s more into the roleplay element of it, although he’ll also engage in other non-roleplay gameplay, like PvP combat and such. He explained that, for him, the creative writing aspect of roleplay is a deep passion of his, and of course, I totally understand that.
I also know that he’ll roleplay having romantic relationships between his roleplay character and other characters in the game, and as a general rule of thumb, while I’m not thrilled about it, I can live with that if he and his roleplay partner respect real-life boundaries. So far, I’ve trusted him to respect those boundaries, and he’s been open with me about discussing his ongoing roleplay storylines.
When we first started getting to know each other, he mentioned that he’s still friends with his ex-girlfriend (I don’t know her age, but I believe she’s at least 25), and asked whether that was a deal-breaker for me. My understanding is that he had met her in World of Warcraft initially, struck up a friendship, then they decided to try dating for a while. They eventually took their romance offline at some point and maintained a physical/sexual aspect to their relationship. He said that they eventually broke up because they weren’t compatible in a romantic sense, but were on amicable enough terms to stay platonic with each other. When he asked whether this was a deal-breaker, I told him that it depends entirely on the circumstances, and that there’s no clear right or wrong in this case, that it really varies from person to person and situation to situation.
Because he gave the clear impression that there was just no chemistry between him and ex, and I can understand that from personal experience, and I don’t believe there’s anything inherently wrong with befriending an ex, I was okay with it at first. But what I didn’t know, until he mentioned it in passing a few weeks ago, was that there was still a remaining sexual chemistry between the two of them even after they broke up, and that they had clearly discussed it during the conversation that led to their amicable parting of ways so to speak. In my boyfriend’s verbatim recollection to me, he had told his ex during that final conversation, “We’re clearly just together for the sex,” and they had agreed that they were better off as friends.
If he had told me that when he first mentioned his ex, at the beginning of our relationship, I would have been much less “okay” with her continued involvement in his life than what I had initially indicated to him.
This brings me to the subject of my post – I already knew that he plays World of Warcraft with his ex, but what I didn’t know was that it specifically includes erotic roleplay with her characters, and he does this on a regular basis each week, and continues to do so. He feels there’s nothing wrong with it, because “it’s just roleplay, it’s like watching porn,” and if it were any other random player in the game, I’d be inclined to agree, but because it’s with a woman with whom he had ***an actual real-life sexual relationship with***, I think their history together pierces the barrier that separates “just roleplay” from real-life feelings.
My apprehensions are all the more heightened because he had also mentioned that he will devise roleplay storylines/plots that cater to his roleplay partners’ real-life “kinks”, such as non-consensual themes and such, and in my view, the very fact that a real-life sexual kink is forming the basis of a roleplay inherently leads to real-life sexual gratification to some extent.
The idea of this ex-girlfriend continuing to derive sexual gratification from my boyfriend is making me lose my mind, but as someone with a history of trauma, I can’t really tell whether I’m just being unreasonable and jealous, or if this is something worth actually being upset over.
I haven’t discussed this with my boyfriend yet, because first I’d like to figure out whether I’m in the right or wrong in feeling upset about this.
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**TL;DR:** My boyfriend engages in sexual roleplay with his ex-girlfriend in World of Warcraft, and I don’t know whether I’m being reasonable in taking exception to it.
35 comments
Run of the mill emotional cheating. Nothing more, nothing less. Very funny he’s trying to gaslight you into saying this is just like porn and is totally normal.
It’s not like watching porn as it’s interactive with another person that isn’t you. He lied to you by omission more than once about his ex. I would probably end this relationship as I would consider him to have been actively cheating. Figure out what your boundaries and deal breakers are and lay it out for him. I’d also take a few steps back from him for a bit.
You are being more than reasonable. He is cheating. I mean if he was sexting someone or having mutual masturbation video chats with someone that’s cheating. So is what he is doing
I’d think anybody would be uncomfortable with this. The way you described it, it’s like he keeps moving the goal posts.
The problem you have is what to say and how to say it. After only a few months, you haven’t developed much in the way of couples’ communication, which makes it harder to have such an intense convo. But it sounds like you need to plow through anyway.
Hard no. He needs to cut it off with her completely or you should leave him. This will just lead to many more problem if you allow it to continue.
This is cheating although he likely doesn’t see it that way. He needs to be made aware that it is and why.
From an objective standpoint, he’s devoting intimate relationship energy to someone he knows in real life. That’s emotional cheating. Always has been and always will be.
If I had to guess though, he doesn’t see it as cheating because there’s no direct physical contact and he never intends there to be. He needs to understand that for a lot of people, cheating involves emotional components just as much as physical components.
And for what it’s worth, I would honestly call his interactive erotic roleplay cheating as well and for similar reasons. He’s devoting intimate relationship energy to others which reduces his need for intimacy from a partner. That will always be a problem and if he can’t wrap his mind around that, then you two are incompatible as partners.
This is cheating. Ask him what he’d do if you were sexually role playing and getting off with your own ex?
>it’s just roleplay, it’s like watching porn
Porn is not “interactive” and does not include an actual physical person on the other end to reciprocate the relationship.
>if it were any other random player in the game, I’d be inclined to agree
Why? It’s still a sexual based relationship with someone who is not you. Not only that but he’s catering the roleplay to match their kinks? That would be too much for me.
In my opinion even being open to do sexual roleplay with anyone (previous history or otherwise) who isn’t your partner is considered cheating.
To me this would be cheating even if he was doing it with a random stranger who he had never met. Doing it with an ex and trying to convince you there’s nothing wrong with it is straight up crazy.
I never did erotic RP when I was playing WoW, but I’m also an avid D&D fan and *do* occasionally indulge in that in private chat now and then when the situation is appropriate. I would never consider doing that if I did not have my husband’s approval, which I ask each and every time. In my opinion, erotic RP is cheating unless your partner specifically says that they’re all right with it (and not grudgingly). It’s emotionally intimate, sexual, and creates a bond between the people involved. That this is going on between your partner and her ex, who he’s had a real life relationship with, is an enormous red flag.
If you’re not comfortable with your boyfriend doing erotic RP with anyone, that’s a perfectly normal boundary to have to begin with. And it’s especially understandable to not want him doing that with an ex. I wouldn’t be OK with it if my husband wanted to RP with an ex and I wouldn’t do it myself even if my husband did say he was fine with it.
So that’s a really long winded way to explain he’s cheating on you.
Unless you like being cheated on, I’d leave.
Omg sounds like my ex, is his name Justin? Please dump this guy, like yesterday. Your trauma will only get worse trying to make this stuff ok in your mind when you know it is wrong. And he will cheat on you more if you show him you accept this cheating behavior, which will be even more traumatic. Save yourself now!
It’s been a few months, why would you feel the need to do anything except move on?
You don’t need to have sexual interactions to have good RP. Not even a little. As an avid DnD player, in 99% of campaigns I’ve played, it’s been played without sexual related RP. The most it’s gone is something like “hooking up” with tavern people cause funny or whatever.
I would instantly be not okay for my significant other to sexually RP with others in general. It being an EX is so far over the line.
You’re early in your relationship and this is a 30y old grown adult. Playing games isn’t an issue, but thinking to justify have sexual RP with an ex is nuts. Sounds like some weird gaslighting to convince you to be okay with it.
It’s completely fine if you’re into it, or accept it, that’s on you. But if you aren’t okay with it and demand it stop or the relationship stop thays okay too. My biggest fear would be you asking it to stop, him agreeing, but still doing it in secret.
>He feels there’s nothing wrong with it, because “it’s just roleplay, it’s like watching porn,”
He’s interacting sexually with another person. That’s past porn.
OP, I’m willing to place a bet that if you were indulging in erotic roleplay with an ex inside a game, he would have a major issue with it.
I also have a history of trauma, and when I feel upset, I share it with my partner. They take my feelings seriously and are respectful and reasonable in how they handle a situation that I find upsetting. Don’t hide away and doubt yourself. You will grow when you share these parts of yourself with someone trustworthy.
I’d go to your boyfriend and tell him that you see a real future with him, but not if it involves interactive sex roleplay. That’s a boundary for you. Either he respects the boundary or he needs to get lost. I can’t imagine even in poly relationships a situation where you can just cyber sex with your ex and that’s no big deal.
That sounds like emotional cheating to me. I wouldn’t do anything like that with anyone but my partner if I’m in a relationship.
This is cheating. I wouldn’t like if my boyfriend was playing games with his ex even without the sexual roleplaying aspect. The roleplaying means he’s thinking of her in some way or another and getting off from it. That’s disrespectful when he has a girlfriend. Pretty sure if tables were turned he wouldn’t like you roleplaying with an ex if yours. He’s basically sexting his ex under the guise of “roleplaying”
If they’re interacting sexually with ANYONE , even if it’s online, that’s cheating. Do with that what you will. Maybe show him all the comments of everyone saying he’s cheating.
This is like cheating with extra steps. Like, take the WoW aspect out of it, and it’s basically phone sex with a person they’ve actually had sex with.
If it were me, I’d leave that nonsense, especially since it’s still an “early” relationship.
You misspelled “my boyfriend is cheating on me with his ex”
Girl you are 34 years old. What high school BS have you found yourself in?! He’s not worth it. You know this.
I’m about to get downvoted for this, but I’ll say it anyway.
I’ve been in an open relationship for well over a decade. I’m comfortable with my partner having sex with other people, and I’d still end a relationship with a partner over what you’re describing.
He’s clearly been less than honest or disingenuous with you at best. He’s certainly lied by omission. Unless he’s stunningly unintelligent and emotionally immature for his age and stage of life, he knows perfectly well that this is not the same as porn because there is a component of emotion attached to a person he knows. It’s, quite frankly, disrespectful to you to try to convince you otherwise. Does he genuinely think you’re stupid? The fact that he told you he engages in this with others, told you he tailors to his partner’s kinks, told you he was friends with an ex and asked if you were comfortable with that, and then left out the part where his ex is a regular cybersexual partner of his (and yes, that’s what is happening), is a huge red flag. If it were genuinely not a big deal, why did that part get left out? He knew there was a chance you’d be uncomfortable with this and thus trickled out the truth slowly so as to manipulate you. He knew some people wouldn’t even be okay with him being friends with an ex enough that he clarified that part. He knew some people wouldn’t even be okay with the role playing enough that he discussed that part with you. So you really think he didn’t know some people wouldn’t be okay with him doing this with an ex? If he’d said, “I regularly role play sex with my ex and cater it to the erotic fantasies I know she has, we broke up because what was between us was mainly great sexual chemistry and friendship, not romance” when you first started dating him would you even be a few months in? The guy knew you probably wouldn’t consent to being with him if you had the whole story and he played off that. He’s still playing off it it. In other words, he’s simply not someone you can trust.
I know others are saying that you should figure out your boundaries and talk to him, but I actually think it doesn’t matter. Even if you decide you’re perfectly okay with the role play, the larger issue isn’t the boundary itself. It’s that he robbed you of the chance to discuss boundaries explicitly before they were potentially violated and, more importantly, he’s shown you he can’t be trusted. Don’t date people you can’t trust. It really is that simple.
How you feel is never wrong even if he doesn’t understand or agree with it. You need to tell him that you are not comfortable with this and put down that boundary. If he really prioritizes your relationship and your comfort then he will stop doing this action. If he doesn’t stop doing it then he clearly doesn’t prioritize your relationship snd comfort and doesn’t respect your feelings.
Me and my bf both set down boundaries we didn’t quite understand at first but agreed to adhere to for the sake of not hurting each other. He was uncomfortable that I was cuddling with a same sex friend who I once made out with and to me at the time I thought the cuddling was platonic at least on my end so I didn’t agree but I also prioritzed his comfort and figured i didn’t need to cuddle with this friend to keep our friendship going. We also both agreed on no porn even tho we consumed different forms of porn but we still cut it out to avoid hurting each other.
>he’ll roleplay having romantic relationships between his roleplay character
That’s not okay. Why are you accepting this? Any kind of romantic or sexual relationship is not okay. Watching porn is not the same as getting emotionally involved. Don’t put up with emotional cheating, especially when it is with an ex.
He is not going to change since this is the way he sees things and his idea of cheating is not the same as yours.
If it’s a dealbreaker for you, it’s valid. You should talk to him, lay down your boundaries and find out whether he’s interested in adhering to them, or if you should move on.
I personally would not be okay with this, it’s too much like sexting a local person off of Craigslist. I play D&D and vidya and I have never had an ongoing relationship between characters, and I would not be down for my SO taking part either.
She isn’t actually an ex.
First things first, your feelings are valid. In a relationship, what matters is not just the black and white of right or wrong, but how certain actions and situations make you feel. Now, let’s talk about the World of Warcraft and ex-girlfriend combo – that’s a unique blend, and it’s understandably stirring up some strong feelings in you.
Your boyfriend’s involvement in roleplay, especially of the erotic kind, with his ex, is definitely a red flag waving like it’s trying to signal a plane. The fact that they have a history, and not just any history, but one that was “clearly just together for the sex,” as he put it, complicates things. It’s one thing to engage in fantasy roleplay with strangers, but it’s a whole different ball game when it’s with someone you’ve had a real-life sexual connection with. This isn’t just about roleplay; it’s about the emotional and sexual history that’s getting rehashed in a virtual setting.
Your apprehension about him catering to real-life kinks in a roleplay setting is another cause for concern. It’s like walking a very fine line between fantasy and reality. Just because it’s happening in a virtual world doesn’t mean it doesn’t have real-world implications, especially when it comes to emotions and relationships.
Now, let’s talk about you. You mentioned a history of trauma, and it’s important to differentiate between past experiences influencing your reactions and genuine concerns about your current relationship. However, in this case, it seems like your concerns are quite grounded in the present reality of your relationship. It’s not about being unreasonable or jealous; it’s about setting boundaries that you’re comfortable with in a relationship.
Communication is key here. You need to have an open and honest conversation with your boyfriend. Lay it all out on the table. Explain how his actions are affecting you and why. It’s crucial that he understands where you’re coming from. This isn’t about controlling his actions but about mutual respect and understanding in a relationship.
Remember, you deserve a relationship where you feel secure and respected. Don’t settle for less. It’s not about winning or losing; it’s about finding a balance where both partners feel valued and heard.
You aren’t being unreasonable at all. The idea that he does erotic roleplay in game with someone he knows in real life is different from that being with a random person he doesn’t know, and is further heightened by him having a past with her.
While it’s possible for someone to see all of these as the same, it’s equally possible to see them as different levels of involvement, and for your line of comfort to be at some point on the spectrum. It sounds like your line may be at whether or not he knows the person in real life, which is a very common line.
And even then, I get the impression you may not be fully comfortable with him doing erp even with strangers, and that may itself be a compromise you made. But you have every right to set a boundary on this.
From there, it’s a matter of seeing if he’ll respect that boundary. Hopefully he will, but if not, he probably isn’t the right one for you, assuming you aren’t already out the door based on him failing to use good judgment about this.
That’s pretty sick ma’am…
Girl…run. Get out of there. He’s cheating on you.
Bro this is the equivalent of him sexting her. He can say it’s roleplay, but that’s bullshit. He’s not having an online erotic with a stranger but with an ex he is sexually attracted to bc of the emotional connection to they once shared
It’s like when people jerk off to their old sex videos with their ex. It’s not impersonal. It’s personal! They do it because the emotional connection to that content, bc let’s face it real porn looks much better then homemade sex videos but people will opt for homemade sex videos to watch because of the emotional personal connection they have with the person in the video.
That’s what he’s doing! He’s doing it because of the emotional personal connection. It’s not impersonal like porn which he compares it to. It’s very much personal as they a REAL romantic sexual relationship.
Do not up put up with this unloyal BS. He can gaslight you and try to manipulate you that this is okay, but it is not and he knows it.
Uh yeah that’s disrespectful as all hell. Also they ended the relationship because they are better as friends who have off the charts sexual compatibility? I don’t buy it. It’s shady.
>he will devise roleplay storylines/plots that cater to his roleplay partners’ real-life “kinks”, such as non-consensual themes
You need to pick up your self esteem and defend what you know is right. You’re not being valued or respected. His thing is WEIRD.
Actually, he doesn’t have to choose.
Just walk away. At least you didn’t waste years in this relationship.
Hard no. I would never be ok with this and especially the fact that he lied by omission about it and then tried to sneak it in casually to try to manipulate you into being ok with it.
Also — as a trauma survivor myself who has OFTEN doubted my own thoughts and feelings because of it — you can trust your gut on things like this. Sounds Ike his behavior is making you feel really triggered. A really good portion of the time, what makes us feel triggered is toxic behavior and you deserve to not have that shit around you. In my experience, it’s a very small portion of the time that something truly innocent triggers me and I’m usually super aware that it was actually fine and just triggered my trauma with a little bit of space and sleep between me and it. I just say that because I know how hard it is to manage trauma and learn to trust your fight or flight system again. But it is there to protect you and in the case I think it is 100% correct to want to protect and distance yourself from this person