I’m at the point in life where 75%+ of the people I know my age are either in serious relationships, engaged, or married. I am single and have been that way almost my entire life, excluding for like 5 months about 4 years ago. While most days I’m fine with it, I do think about it pretty regularly. I’m pretty extroverted and have good social skills, but I just never find people I’m interested in. Granted, I work in a job that causes people to immediately form opinions without knowing me, so that doesn’t help.
So, for people who are chronically single or have friends that are, what do you think causes this?
34 comments
Usually attitude mindset or personality or a combination of the three.
I’ve been single my entire life. The reason has shifted between:
1. Not being interested in anyone/nobody actively pursuing me at that time
2. Not being in any kind of mental state to be in a healthy relationship
3. Liking somebody but not having reciprocated interest.
It’s been a lot more nuanced than that, but those seem to be the big three.
It can be discouraging but I work to keep looking forward and enjoying all of the different relationships and experiences I’ve had so far. Life is good!
Im chronically single because I live in a state filled with conservative women and I’m a bisexual man.
Im chronically single because I’m very independent and have a hard time letting myself be vulnerable.
Im chronically single because I dont approach women in the wild.
Im chronically single because I have a hard time finding women that can keep my interest.
Im chronically single because my hobbies and jerking it are more satisfying than mediocre sex and mediocre conversation.
I’m chronically single because when I do have an interest in a woman she is not interested in me.
I’m chronically single because I’ve had my heart broken multiple times and now I don’t know if I can feel anything for anyone any more.
Chronically single? I’d have to say they got their heart broken severely, don’t know how to be in relationships ( prone to hookups), don’t have the capacity (maybe immature or work keeps them busy), or no one interests them.
personally, i get anxious about losing out on other options. i don’t know how to do long term relationships, not really sure what that might look/feel like.. i like having FWBs who im not fully committed to so i can still flirt with people on the side because i like the attention.
tldr trauma
I (34m) have been in the same boat for close to 10 years. Now I’ll say that I wasn’t really emotionally available for probably half that time, but here are my general observations:
1- There is some kind of lack of confidence or personal issue that people can just sense and it does create a barrier to connection because it isn’t attractive.
2- People can be emotionally unavailable. Usually they have an artificial hurdle in place or something that they aren’t dealing with. This can be anything from not properly dealing with a breakup to having an identity crisis around work or other aspects of life that doesn’t really make one open to a real relationship.
3- They can’t find a match because they choose people for the wrong reasons. This could be unrealistic expectations or they don’t know how to choose a healthy partner who really wants to make a go of it.
4- Timing and a bit of luck can also play a role. I know this sounds like a cop out, but I do think that some of us just seem to meet people who might be good for us at the wrong time. I’ve run into this quite a bit lately actually, and it’s really frustrating. That’s not to say I haven’t dealt with items 1-3, but I’ve lately been basically the rebound guy quite a bit. That really stinks when you hit it off, but they aren’t emotionally ready so they bail and go back to being single for a while.
Also, yes in some cases people are clearly single for reasons that could be remedied by some personal growth, others eventually do all the growth necessary to be a good partner and are just left trying and waiting for someone great to come into their lives.
This is something I’ve been thinking about alot lately. I don’t quite have the answer fully but I think part of it is because I don’t always put the most effort into my appearance. Little to no makeup, messy hair and maybe uncool shoes.
I also started pursuing art for a career which hasn’t worked out. So I feel a bit unstable. I think maybe if I lived in a less ambitious city I would find someone but there are so many other options.
I also agree with others who have said you might like someone and they don’t like you. Or they like you and you don’t like them. Or you don’t go out so you don’t meet new people. I also don’t do casual sex so I’m not a ton of fun
The cause is a lack of trying. When I was in my early 20s, I didn’t think I could ever get a girlfriend and I didn’t know why. Like you, I was comfortable with being single too. But also like you, a part of me (the part that asked why) took issue with my chronic singleness.
The problem, as it turned out, was my lack of availability. I spoke with a therapist and he made it clear to me. From the way I spoke to the way I carried myself, my presentation communicated “go away, I don’t want to talk.”
He told me to adjust my posture, smile more, breathe deeply, and ask people questions. So, one day I decided to try it and smiled at a girl, asked her questions, and eventually asked her out. She said yes. Long story short, it turned into a short term relationship and the first of many relationships. She was the first of 5.
The funny thing is I wasn’t even initially interested in her. I became more interested the more we opened up to each other. But it all started with me simply making some kind of effort to make myself available.
So, considering you’re on Reddit now, asking why. Well here it is. You say you’re already extroverted. Try asking a girl out directly and see what happens. You don’t need to be madly in love or even immediately attracted to her. You just need to go on a date and see if you’re interested.
I think a combination of poor social skills, insecure attachment style, too high expectations/standards
Some people didn’t have healthy modeling of relationships growing up which predisposed them to entering into toxic relationships as adults. The cycle repeats and they may have so much PTSD and trauma from adult relationships that they shut down and close off to relationships altogether, to avoid any further damage to their psyche.
Sick of giving it my all and getting heartbroken. Might try casual companionship.
37F ive found more fulfillment investing in therapy. Building healthy a relationship(s) with myself, my therapists, my kids, my parents and my friends. An added bonus is I can process the people I’ve met and my perspective of the dating experiences with professional insight and feedback.
Because governemnt and economy is shit, modern technology has made cheating and partner hopping easier, as much as more and more religions are being proven false, and children can still be reared in healthy dynamic homes without the necessity of marriage. The world has become extremely different in since a few decades ago.
For me (M32):
* Most of my social circles are work-based. While a relationship that starts at work can work, I’m cautious of trying to establish one on such a foundation and I’ll only ask someone out if they’re *very obviously* interested.
* I have too many moving parts in my life. I very much enjoy having a lot of new things happening, but it usually means I don’t have enough mental bandwidth to fit in romance.
* Generally I’m very independent so I’m not great at communicating my needs or emotions with the other person, I usually solve them myself.
* My blood doesn’t really run that hot; even at the best of times so I don’t feel a crushing need to actually go out and get a relationship.
* It’s really expensive to try to meet people & to try to date, both financially and time-wise. I’ve had some dates that cost $100 and were just *awful*, I don’t see why I should throw the dice like that.
* The main reason I’d want to put my chips down for a relationship would be to start a family, but one of my brothers already has a son & wife and the other is starting, so that pressure isn’t there.
So I don’t really see a need to try. If someone comes along and *really* takes my fancy, sure. If someone asks me out, sure. Is it worth it to bother asking someone out? Nah.
Highly introverted and emotionally unstable. Possibly neurodivergent. Had terrible acne and slightly overweight during 20s. Making up for lost time… But yeah still kind of nuts.
I feel like people have very unrealistic expectations about relationships and also lack the skills + patience. Dating apps ruined how people look at dating and relationships, a lot of it is very broken, and reading a few good books to come back to reality would fix a lot of that. And maybe deleting apps too, or at least learning to use them as real authentic humans
Bad upbringing, bad parents, neurodivergence, toxic dating culture, shyness, social anxiety, not being super attractive…
Honestly, being chronically single is the reason I married the first woman to show interest in me. Turns out she is a narcissist who abused me for 8 years. Idk if I’ll ever find another woman again. It’s horribly depressing and I’m starting to genuinely question if I want to live anymore.
I have bipolar disorder and breakups trigger mania. Which leads to depression. I’m better off single.
I guess I’m just unattractive. I’ve tried a lot to improve this, yet I might as well be invisible to girls.
Few reasons.
1. You’re competing against more people than ever compared to in the 80s or 90s.
2. The internet connects everyone to anyone and in turn your average man or woman is constantly being bombared with the most attractive people to the point where that’s being considered as the standard right now.
3. Everything is so fast paced now that even if you are a good fit (attraction etc) for someone, you can miss your chance if you’re not quick enough. There’s always at least 3+ people someone is eyeing up, you have to be first.
4. All these facts result in a lack of confidence for people and people can unfortunately sense that.
5. If you try too hard, you tend to have less results. Call it desperation, karma, divine intervention or whatever. The most results I’ve had is when I’m not overly invested in someone or I just don’t care as much as I did before.
Lack of ability of be open, vulnerable, and genuine early on when getting to know people. Amongst the women and men I know who tend to have relationships when they want them, they are VERY good at getting to know people. Some of them have questionable hygiene or aren’t where they should be in their career, but it doesn’t matter. They are all generally pretty mentally balanced and curious about others. People have crushes on them all the time because they unintentionally do some form of that asking 26 questions to fall in love exercise. A good number of the men I know who are chronically single also suffer from severe self-esteem, body image issues.
Im chronically single because the only men interested in me tend to not have their life together . While this is ok in your 20s in your 30s it’s a lot harder to be ok with. I’m just tired of doing all the financial heavy lifting in relationships.
I’m happy being single. I’m incredibly introverted and a homebody and I’ve been like this my entire life. I don’t make any sort of effort to go out and date either.
Social skill atrophy combined with obesity and poor self esteem. Any combination of these 3 things is responsible for a solid 95% of us being single.
Women that I find attractive don’t find me attractive. Women that find me attractive, I don’t find them attractive.
[“I don’t want somebody in my house”](https://www.nytimes.com/2016/09/04/magazine/whoopi-goldberg-wants-to-make-you-feel-better.html)
I haven’t had a monogamous, “loving” relationship since 2015, and have been totally single for the past 3 years.
– In the past, I know I’ve hurt a few women being a FWB and not wanting more. Now, I’m way more careful about this, and only tend to go for women that let it be known that’s absolutely what they want or if I could see myself being with her in a genuine relationship. Unfortunately, both of those are extremely rare.
– in my past, I’ve usually had someone interested in me enough to make it somewhat obvious. These days, either they don’t, I’m not as appealing as I used to be, or I just don’t pick up on it. And on the other hand, I rarely see/meet a woman that’s so appealing to me that I get the “Omg, I must get to know/talk to her!”
So, basically it’s been a long time since I’ve met anyone that I’m interested in that I don’t feel like I’ll end up breaking their heart.
I think that dating culture has gotten better and worse in different ways. In generations past, people(especially women) were pressured to value marriage and kids over everything else. You pretty much had to settle down with someone by a certain age or risk social criticism or even isolation. For women, they were actively discouraged from pursuing careers because it would get in the way of their hypothetical families. This lead to a lot of unhealthy relationships between people who stayed out of social pressure and not love. So now we’re seeing people (especially women) choosing to prioritize careers and their own solitude over relationships because social norms had changed.
Additionally, this and online dating has made the dating process far more disorganized than previous generations. It’s hard to find a compatible match and even harder to keep their attention when there are so many options out there. So finding love now requires either a lot more luck or a lot more work.
I’m only speaking for myself.
1. Not being physically attractive or even average attractiveness. Unfortunately, my physical traits tend to be ones that are the opposite of desired ones. I wish I could be the woman with long, straight hair with curves and big eyes, pouty lips, etc. I’m just not.
2. Health issue/deviation from norm. My eczema that was severe for a long period of time. When there’s something that makes you stand out in what is perceived as a not good way it’s going to be harder to get people to treat you fairly, let alone be interested.
3. Homebody: Somewhat related to the above and negative reactions when out in public.
4. No experience in relationships/hookups/intimacy. Most people, especially as you get older, don’t want someone lacking in experience. I’m also not going to feel safe with the speed that many want from talking/meeting to hookups.
5. Boring. I don’t really have that much to talk about.
6. Not compatible with the men that are interested in me. The few that have been were far more religious than I am, and talking with them they saw me not as I am, but how they wanted me to be.
I have PEACE, and my married friends used to try and hook me up with men to marry. It always felt wrong & wasn’t for me. Now that we are all in our 50s, my friends ALL claim that I was the smart one. They are raising their grand kids, never have money & a husband that is a boring lump. Their husbands rarely talk to them & do nothing to help around the house.
I have always put my peace & well being over being with a man. Peace & whatever the last piece of whatever in the fridge is always mine.
Also I look 15 years younger than all my friends because I dont have the stress of kids & a husband bring into a person’s life. Stats prove that marriage isn’t good for women.
Often:
1) Lack of social network. So they don’t meet any potential partners.
And/Or
2) Lack of social skill. Dating is a social activity. People sometimes forget that.
And/Or
3) Mental health issues.
Or
4) Bad luck.
as a chronically single girl I always think about this!! I think the main reasons for me are height, neurodivergence, introversion, and plain bad luck.
as a tall girl I feel like that detracts men. I do my best to present myself the best way possible, but being introverted and neurodivergent is admittedly off putting and I always work on that.
also bad luck. I’ve had a few long term relationships- while most people my age are in long term relationships or engaged, they’re usually with the same partner they were with since college/early twenties. It worked out for them, it didn’t for me.
Because women I want aren’t interested in me and the ones that are interested in me I don’t have much of a connection with. I keep getting my heart broken and rejected so I just want to give up