Throw away for reason that will be explained below.
I 28M had dinner over at my parents house a week ago. At some piont during the night my mother started questioning me as to why i kick my sister (21F) out of my house. She already knows the reasons to why but she kept asking me to give her another chance.
My father asked me to take on my sister. Originally this was great as i travel alot for work so i had someone to take care of the house in my absence. She would effectively lived alone as i am sometimes away 2-3 weeks out of a month. The only condition i put on her living with me was that she takes care of the house in my absence and cleans up after herself. A week after she moved in i left for 3 weeks when i came back the house was a mess, no clean cutlery, dishes nothing. the pizza box, and plates was still in the same position as when i left the house 3 weeks ago, and she was sitting on the couch with 6 plates of uneaten food stacked on each other some had started to grow mold.
I asked what is giong on with the house and she told me it’s my house my job to clean up why should she clean up. I told he you are a grown woman i never expected the house to be sparkling when i return but at least in the same condition as i left it. She wouldn’t have died if she just cleaned up after herself and again she said my house, my responsibilities. I just saw red, I snapped and told her to get her shit and get out of my house and she laughed at me and said this is your home now get to cleaning. Everything was funny to her untill i started to throw he crap outside.
She started with the water works and when that didn’t work she called my parent, i got a call from my father and i asked what is giong on i told him, i hung up the phone and sent him pictures of my house he didn’t even respond only arrived 25 minutes later to pick up my sister and he apologized to me.
The story above was just my breaking piont, but alot of crap other that this has happend over years.
I am always the last resort, any issues someone has they come to me. If someone needs money im the one they call, if they need a place to stay they show up at my house, they need help with something im the one.
I have always had to sit on the back burner and just be the support for everyone in there times of need, and when i needed them they weren’t their and i was told be a man and sort it out.
My parents has been great parents to my younger siblings, 4 kinds in total. They have all stayed with me in the past as well rent free no contributions at all.
I didn’t have a childhood, i became the 3rd parent in the household. Everything regarding my siblings fell onto me. If i have to write everything i have done or been through for my siblings and parents i will be writing this post for days.
I don’t really blame my parents as circumstances was alot different from when i was a child to my siblings.
But the difference in thecway we all where raised is evident, my siblings are entitled pieces of crap to mut it nicely and the world has to bend to their wants.
After my mom’s constant question i snapped when she said, im being heartless. I just unleashed everything onto them, i was ranting for about 30 minutes while they sat there in silence with their eyes getting bigger as the minutes passed.
I finished with saying the only reason im still alive today is because i don’t want them to stand next to my grave wondering what they did wrong so i will be heartless as i think it’s time for me to stop worrying about that.
Im just tired of all this crap, im the backup for everyone in this family.
I can see the pain on my parents faces as they can’t even look me in the eyes anymore. Evertime i miss a phone call from one of them my phone blows up as they think i did something.
I fell asleep on the couch, yesterday as i worked 36 hours straight and was tired, during me sleeping my father tried to call me and as i was asleep i didn’t answer his calls. I got woken up as police kicked down my door when my parents showed up at my house after i didn’t answer them and they saw me laying on the couch. The knocking and banging didn’t wake me. That was the first time i saw my father cry as they thought i deleted myself.
I think i broke my parents as my youngest sister told me they just exist in their house and don’t even talk to each other. The house is cold and she can hear both my parents just burst out crying sometimes especially during the night.
I just want to know is there anyway to move on with this ?
46 comments
You need to get a restraining order against your parents, Jesus. This is the definition of you need to go no contact, heal, and reevaluate at a later date. It was bad but the last paragraph is just insane.
The truth is that they parentified the shit out of you, and their inability to deal with that truth isn’t your responsibility. I’m glad they feel bad about it, let them sit with that feeling. Hopefully they’ll have some realizations. Aside from your parents, it’s going to take some unlearning on your part, but your younger siblings aren’t your responsibility.
Time to go no contact for the foreseeable future and start therapy. Make the fact that you’re going no contact clear so they don’t involve the police again. You can revisit contact if you get a heartfelt apology and are able to establish firm boundaries.
Move…..And don’t leave a forwarding address…..These people seem full of drama and you shouldn’t be taking responsibility of siblings who don’t respect or give you any gratitude
Of course your parents are worried you’ll hurt yourself when you essentially threatened to hurt yourself. Regardless of how they parented you, they don’t want anything bad to happen to you. As someone with depression I feel for you, I similarly snapped and broke my parents when I told them how I’d been feeling, but it was for the best. I’d say go to therapy and also see a psychiatrist if you are having legitimate thoughts of harming yourself. Then tell your parents you appreciate their concern but you’re working with professionals and they don’t need to worry if you miss a phone call or two. Maybe put in a contingency to make them feel safe? E.g. you can worry if I don’t respond within 24 hours. That’s what worked with mine. Good luck!
((HUGS)) Look up parentification.
Get some family therapy.
Your parents need to learn what they put you thru.
If they were really sorry, they would give you some money for all you have done for them.
If you broke them, it was necessary. The truth is harsh, but honest. You have borne the burden long enough. They needed to know. Their reaction and emotions are their job to sort through. They also owe you for a front door.
Time you got to start drawing a line with your family . Be firm and good luck
This is how I handled things that had some similarities to your situation. My mother was extremely abusive and I only stayed in contact with her because of my little brother. As soon as he was out of the house, I was done with her so I completely understand where you’re coming from. What I did was only see her in public or if I had someone else with me. I kept her on an “info diet,” meaning I told her next to nothing about what was going on in my life. I stayed cordial and respectful, much as you would with a neighbor you don’t like but don’t want to be hostile with. The second my little brother decided he wanted to live with his dad and not with our mother, I cut contact with our mother and it was one of the best decisions of my life.
You dont want to lose access to your younger sibling. Understandable. But you can still say no.
No, i will not loan you money.
No, i will not give you money.
No, i will not do that for you.
No, you can not live with me.
People can have relationships with each other that are not conditional or transactional.
Tell them what behaviors from them will and will not accept in a relationship and stick to it.
I have an alcoholic relative who is a raging abusive asshole when drunk who does not drink around me because i do not allow it. And they have realized that if they want to interact with me they do so sober or not at all. You can do this. You just have to hold your ground.
Your family knows right from wrong. Your family knows how to make good choices. But they don’t have to be bothered by any of that because they have you. You are their safety net. They don’t have to put a lot of thought into the ramifications of their actions, because they know you’ll be there. I know it’s hard to watch bad choice after bad choice. I know it’s hard to sit back and watch things fall apart, but how else are they going to learn?
Every choice has a consequence (or outcome if that fits better) positive or negative, and we learn from both. I can be told 100 times to not touch the hot pan, but getting close enough to feel the heat or even touching it will drive that lesson home faster and harder. I say this gently; even coming from a place of caring and love, enabling is still harmful. It’s time you put yourself first and focus on your own healing and mental health.
Maybe the best thing you can do for your siblings is to model what it looks like to be a healthy adult, mentally,, emotionally and physically. One who can establish and maintain boundaries and have fulfilling and healthy relationships.
Sure. It starts with your parents taking responsibility and validating your feelings.
Crying, incessant phone calls, and panicked police welfare checks isn’t going to do it. Because, again, they are putting their feelings, needs and fears above yours. They are, again, making themselves more important.
What will do it is them reaching out, apologizing and listening.
They’re feeling it. This is what you’ve been feeling for years while they continue to lay their burden on you. Let them feel, process and come back to you.
You deserve to feel heard. I hope they take it in and not make themselves victims. I hope they actually see you.
You don’t need to fix anything. Good for you for getting it out. It needed to be said cause it was crushing the life out of you.
Breathe.
Go learn how to set boundaries. Any relationship without boundaries lack the fundamentals to uphold a meaningful relationship. Boundary is love.
I feel like the people feeling OP the 12 yo isn’t his responsibility have never been parentified before. Yes the kid isn’t our responsibility but you can’t sacrifice so much for a kid and then just sever the bond like that. When you become your siblings main caretaker and then move out it’s like losing a kid. When my son was born I instantly felt a maternal bond to him. It felt the same as the bond I had with my sister though it took me 4 years to feel that strongly for her. My son did not survive infancy but the ache I felt when he died is the same ache I feel when I think of her. I maintain my relationship with my parents because the loss of being cut off from her is simply not worth the peace I would feel from going NC with them.
Does your sister have some kind of developmental disability? I don’t understand why a 21 y.o, would behave like that.
You’re not responsible for ‘breaking’ your parents.
You finally told them how you feel and showed them what they did and how they treated you. It’s like if you put up a mirror for them to look at themselves.
They were the parents, not you. It was 100% their responsibility to be the parents, not yours.
You did nothing wrong. It’s on them.
But now you need to tell them you won’t end yourself so when you don’t pick-up it’s because you’re busy or don’t wish to talk to them.
Yeah she doesn’t have to come back to yours at all. You can stay in contact for your littlest sibling but no need for anyone to live with you. Set that boundary
Your parents emotional issues of their own problems and they need to deal with them. You are not responsible for your parents. You’re not responsible for your parents’ children. You’re not responsible for your siblings.
If they cannot give you the space to live your life as an adult you’re never going to have an adult life outside of work. Do you have adult friendship? Do you travel? Do you have a romantic life?
I guess is you don’t have much of one if you’re so wrapped up in your. Look up a enmeshment. Because that’s what this is. Your parents need to get a life and a job and take care of the kids that they have left. That’s their problem. That’s their responsibly. That’s literally their duty as parents.
Your parents are sad and pathetic. Not even going to be nice about it because what they’re doing to you is making you not only responsible for their responsibilities but making you feel like the bad guy for feeling like you aren’t. When you are not. Have been trained since birth to believe that you are responsible for everybody else around you which is why you’re probably a highly competent and responsible person but you’re snapping under that pressure and it’s driving you crazy.
Get a therapist. I’m not even kidding. You need somebody on your side who can continually explain to you why what your parents are doing is not only continually abusive but has trained your brain to feel guilt and shame over things that you should not be feeling guilt or shame over.
Can’t even fall asleep on your couch… Think about that. After a full day’s work you cannot even fall asleep on a couch. You need to tell your parents that if they cannot give you space you will get a restraining order. And then you need to call a therapist and you need to find one you really like. You go to a therapy session and you don’t click with the therapist, get a new therapist. I’ve had to shop between 3 and 4 therapist before I found one I really liked, And because you’re going to be so vulnerable in there you’re going to need somebody you really click with.
This is the only way you’re going to move on. You are not equipped with the tools to move on healthily yourself because your parents did not teach you how to do it because they are inadequate parents. Your parents did the best they could and you’re going to have to get over that but that’s going to be a process that a therapist can help you work through. Eventually you’re going to come to realize your parents fucked up and then you’re going to be angry, and sad, And then you’re going to realize that you need to let that go and accept them for who they are. And then and only then are you going to be able to have a functional relationship with. It took me over a decade to get there but now I have a very functional happy relationship with my family.
Do the work. You are highly capable of doing work and taking responsibility so instead of taking responsibility for people who can’t be helped take responsibility for yourself and do what you need to do so you can actually be better for everybody and yourself. This is the only way to save everybody is to save yourself.
I see below you don’t want to cut access to your siblings but you’re going to need to do it for a while. It is not your job to be the parent for your siblings. You need to save yourself otherwise you’re not going to be able to really help your siblings anyways. It’s just going to be more of the same thing that happened with your 21-year-old sister. Get help and get space from your family
You did the right thing and you are absolutely justified in drawing a line and creating a boundary. It’s not your fault that they have to live with the consequences of their own actions.
I may hear you wrong but it sounds like you want them to hear you and understand how it has been for you. An appology may not help but to see that they care might. This could be the beginning of healing for you. It takes time to heal and it take to change roles within a family but you have begun.
You don’t need to move on. You’ve come to terms with the situation and have adjusted – not perhaps as well as you might, but pretty well. Therapy may be useful, but you seem to be a grown up to me. Certainly you have no reason to accept any blame for this sorry situation.
Now, your parents. Now they *really* need to accept responsibility, apologise, and move on. They are at fault here and have had a wake-up – not so much *call* as scream. I hope they’re at least paying for anew front door.
Edit: I say they need to apologise not because you need to hear it but because they need to come to an understanding of what they have to apologise for.
WOW, your sister needs to grow up. You are not responsible for her and do not let them guilt you!
Secondly having your door kicked in because you didn’t answer the phone is seriously weird
So you tell them something they’ve done wrong and they think you’re going to end yourself. Even that’s like emotional blackmail. Oh look how much we care and worry. Ffs they need to give you some peace
Sounds like they just realised what they did. How much they fucked up, how much they hurt you. They need time to deal with this. I don’t want to excuse their behavior or whatever, it’s just that they’ve been in their bubble where everything was perfectly fine for over 2 decades and now everything blew up within half an hour, their whole world turned upside down because they got confronted with the reality. Maybe look for a therapist and send it to them, they clearly need to work through this.
You keep living your life, go to therapy if you need it, and keep your siblings at arms length. You’ve been their play ball for so long, they need to adjust to you standing up for yourself and realize they fucked up too. Don’t do anything for them and see what they do with the situation. Maybe they really see what they did and change.
I think the only way forward is to assure them you’re ok, and things are going to look different going Forward. You don’t have to blame them or reassure them, just tell them you are safe, and things will not continue as they have been. You’re going to start placing boundaries on your relationships, and abiding by them is the condition under which they get to continue to be a part of your life is.
I’m so sorry, OP. You deserve better. I hope you find happiness in your future.❤️
If you think things are rough around your parents house now wait until the blame game starts. There’s going to be a reckoning
First born child in a family who has issues respecting boundaries. I know this all too well. Except in my case my mother only threatened to call the cops because I didn’t answer the phone when she was calling every 6 minutes for two hours straight. With the way I lost it on her I don’t think she’ll be trying that again. What I found helpful was to go no contact with one parent and minimal contact with the other but I let them know in advance that I was doing so. You can also let your local police department know what’s up so if they ever try to bring them into the family drama in the future, the police know you’re fine and you can avoid the wellness check.
Sweetheart, you need to go no contact with your family for a bit, you need to work with a trauma based therapist that can help you grow and move past the brain washing you’ve received your entire life. Your siblings are NOT your responsibility. You are NOT their parent. You need to learn to reparent YOURSELF. Your parents can’t do it. The only way to help yourself is to do the hard work yourself. And yes, it’s so, so hard. But I promise it’s worth it. You are worth it. You are worth the hard work and the love and the understanding you never received. I’m so sorry your parents never saw that.
You told them the truth and the misery they put you in. Your parents suck. Set boundaries with your parents as you want to ensure your younger sister is doing well.
You didn’t break your parents, they needed to hear the truth. So hopefully, they can do better towards you. If they are feeling bad, then good. At least they are showing some remorse, but everyone’s habit of relying on you will be hard to break.
What the 21 year old sister said & did is completely wrong, good for you in kicking her out. Good for you advocating what is right for you & for finally speaking up for yourself.
Self care is important, never forget to take care of yourself.
Mom&Dad,
Y’all need to back up and take a breath. I am not suicidal. I have definitely had those intrusive thoughts that all lead back to point A, B, & C. I didn’t tell you this so you would lose your minds and smother me. I finally unloaded my feelings because you need to understand how the way I am treated by this family affects me. If we are ever going to have a positive and healthy relationship step freaking 1 is acknowledging that my siblings are not my problem. I can not be the savior anymore. It’s time for you guys to step up and teach them to take care of themselves. Nobody is welcome to sleep in my home ever again. When there is drama you people need to ASK if I have the headspace to participate in your trauma dump BEFORE dumping your stress on to me. Anyone who can’t understand that and respect those needs will be removed from my life. Going forward come with love and light or don’t come at all.
Maybe you overreacted a bit, but the point here is your parents reaction is very weak. It sounds indeed like your parent are not capable of dealing with you siblings well and instead of trying to fix it now they sit there and cry. Everybody can cry for a day, but if you are a grown up please get up the next day and say ‘enough of this crap, I will fix the situation.’. It does not sound like your parents will do that.
It also sounds like you made you point clear, in the end we all need to deal with our families. See how in the future you can have an acceptable relationship with them. If that means to just see them 4 times a year, so be it.
You said what needed to be said. Family is complicated but time will lessen the hurt and then maybe you can sort it all out and hear their side of the story just so you don’t continue to internalize everything. You are a good person and did nothing wrong, it won’t feel that way because you’ve been primed to take all the guilt and blame for decades but you are right your parents did the best they could and with 4 children it’s impossible to raise them all correctly. They love you, that much is for certain so yes I can tell you with certainty that there is a way forward.
They couldn’t handle the truth. Simple as that. You deserve apology.
Keep your distance for now with your parents. You can still invite and spend timr with your youngest sister, however do not take on responsibility for her. Do not take on anything financially or her education or whatever. Just spend time with her like a sister. And minimize interaction with everyone else.
Start therapy for yourself.
1. Cut out the contact with them.
2. If your siblings wanna contact you – fine. But do not be first one to make a contact.
3. Focus on yourself and taking good care of yourself. Live a life gurl.
1. You need therapy. Like, right now. Your parents “parentified” you as a kid and even now are guilting you with their reactions (whether intentional or not) and you aren’t equipped to deal with it.
2. You should probably get some space from your family. Maybe go low contact or take a break for a set period of time. Tell your folks that you don’t want to kill yourself, but their interactions are making things worse and you need some time.
3. Honestly, if I were in your shoes, I’d move away. I don’t know how realistic that is for you in your situation, but physical distance does wonders for dealing (or NOT dealing) with over-bearing family.
You talk to them. Calmly. Make sure you have the ability to say your peace without interruption, then listen to them. Start with your parents. This isn’t blaming them and it’s not accusing them. You state your feelings. Get it out. Let them do the same. You take steps forward. Steps. We cannot go back and make things better, but we can do the work now and make tomorrow better.
After all that you said, THAT’s the part they are focusing on??
Move. Far away. If nobody can just drop in on you. They will not be messing with you as much.
I’m sooooo tired of reading these fake stories.
Holy shit. They called the cops on you?!? They need to take responsibility for themselves and THEIR CHILDREN. I cannot imagine telling someone to clean up after me because it was their house. wtf. You move on by taking care of yourself!!
damn..the part when OP’s mother called him heartless…i will never recover from that.
It is good you got everything out. I can’t imagine keeping so much bottled up and being asked to give, give give. Your parents needed to see the situation they helped to create.
Maybe you could invite them over to dinner to talk. They do seem very concerned about your mental health. Part of your mental health issues was having all of those hurt feelings bottled up and putting on a happy face. I would hope you feel a bit better now. Tell them that you need them to be your support system as much as they rely on you to their support system.
Good luck OP.
You didn’t break them, you told them the truth and they couldn’t handle it. Have they apologized? Have they put in more effort to repair the friendship? They feel guilty right now but sometimes guilt comes from a selfish place. It sounds like you are doing great and I wish you the best!