My boyfriend and I have been together for a year now. Today, as is our daily routine, he called me. We are both lawyers in our first year of practice, working diligently. A month ago, I landed a job with a base salary of $85,000, which, with bonuses, amounts to $100,000. However, I have student loans exceeding $30,000. I’ve only mentioned to him that I have student loans but never disclosed the exact amount. I’m 25, and I’m planning to move out of my parents’ house within a year, so I’m adhering to a strict budget. I’ve also started a small mentoring business for law university and bar students. I once tried waitressing in a restaurant, but it was overwhelming given my 55-hour work weeks at the law firm. So, I decided to focus on new job job, which I’ve been at for only a few months, and my mentoring business, especially now during finals season. I’m currently mentoring over 7 students for their finals, dedicating myself fully to it.This week has been particularly tough for me. In the past three days, I’ve slept only 8 hours to prepare materials for them. This year, I’ve earned between $7,000 to $10,000 from mentoring, including $1,000 just this week. I love it, and my students are very satisfied—one even passed the bar exam recently. I meticulously manage my finances through a Google Sheets budget, saving 50% of my paycheck, which I invest in stocks and bonds.This hustle is to pay off my debts and eventually move out.
Today, while talking to my boyfriend over the phone, I shared my enthusiasm about the success of my mentoring work. He suggested that I might be earning over $100,000. I acknowledged it but emphasized that I’m saving. He then criticized me for being cheap, arguing that if I’m earning that much money, I should be spending more on both of us and on various things. This isn’t the first occasion he has expressed such sentiments. First of all, 100k in Canada isn’t that (After taxes, i have 65k left). Contrary to his belief, I have allocated $200 monthly in my budget for him, which includes ordering lunch to his office to surprise him, buying small gifts, and paying maybe 40% for our dates. I bought him maybe 5 gifts for his brithday, which one of them was a Versace ring. That’s not the kind of thing a cheap person would do. He’s Algerian and quite traditional, preferring not to let me pay for dates (which we go maybe 2 times a month), but I try to contribute in other ways. I’m his supporter, helping him plan his work week, bringing him peace, and I always drive to his place, which is 40 minutes away (he’s only visited my place about five times, though we meet at least once or twice a week). I find his view of me quite disheartening and expressed my sadness to him. I explained how hard I’m working to pay off my debts and prepare for my future. When I mentioned my dedication to my students and job, he simply said, “fine, congrats,” with a rude tone, which felt dismissive. It’s not the first time I’ve felt this way, and when I try to discuss it, I feel like he doesn’t fully hear me.
I could spend more, but it would be irresponsible considering that I barely spend on myself. To achieve my goals within a year, I need to maintain discipline in my finances. In the past, I wasn’t responsible with my spending and often lived beyond my means. While I might sound super strict now, I’m just trying to build a stable financial foundation for my future.
I’ve never really had much financial education in my life. My parents didn’t provide much guidance in that area. Instead, I learned to hustle and manage my finances independently. I watched videos, cultivated discipline, and stayed focused on my financial goals. It’s a part of myself that I truly value because I wasn’t like that 3 years ago.
I also wish that my boyfriend shared the same mentality of saving for our future. Unlike me, he doesn’t have student loans to worry about. When he receives his paycheck, he tends to spend it on clothes and himself, with some savings on the side. There was a time when I tried to suggest ways for my boyfriend to invest his money, for example. However, he responded by saying that he’s going to entrust his finances to his dad, who will take care of it. This left me feeling unsure and concerned because I believe in being more hands-on with financial decisions.
TL;DR : Over the past year, my boyfriend (26M) and I (25F), both lawyers in our first year of practice, have encountered financial challenges. I secured a job with a base salary of $85,000, totaling $100,000 with bonuses, but I also carry student loans exceeding $30,000. My goal is to move out of my parents’ house within a year, which necessitates strict budgeting. Additionally, I run a successful mentoring business for law students, particularly demanding during finals season. Despite my efforts to contribute financially to our relationship, my boyfriend criticizes me for being cheap, not realizing that I prioritize saving due to loans and discipline. While I value financial independence, having self-educated on money matters, my boyfriend tends to spend on clothes and relies on his father for financial decisions, raising concerns about our financial future together and his financial responsabilites.
11 comments
I don’t even think this guy LIKES you tbh.
-tells you how to spend your money
-lets you spend $200 A MONTH buying him superfluous shit but still thinks you need to spend extra money on him.
-is dismissive of your achievements and goals and disrespectful toward your enthusiasm
-lets you drive 40 minutes away multiple times a week but refuses to do the same for you
-lets you PLAN HIS SCHEDULE for him but won’t do the same for you
I’m being completely genuine– i do not think he LIKES you. I definitely don’t think this man is emotionally mature enough to be a boyfriend to ANYONE and i CERTAINLY don’t think he’s a good fit for you. You have different lifestyles and goals, which can be fine as long as you support each other. But he doesn’t support you. He just pays for dinner and a movie a couple of times a month and then shits on your financial decisions.
Why are you wasting your time on this absolute drip? You’re a fucking lawyer!!! You’re a very successful tutor!! You are paying off loans and saving for your future!!! Surely you realize you are only WASTING energy on this guy?
Do you feel cherished in the relationship? It sounds like you are a ambitious and disciplined young woman who spends a lot of time and effort maintaining and contributing to the relationship and the happiness of her partner. It sounds like you put the work into cherishing someone. Do you feel genuinely cherished by him?
Your boyfriend sounds like an asshole and you should consider moving on.
However, I would be concerned about your behavior too. You’re 25 starting out making 100k with only 30k in student loans. You are doing better at 25 than most people will ever do. You also live with your parents so I’m assuming you have no real bills right now. Yet, you still feel the need to have a side gig that’s robbing you of your sleep. This sounds like an addition to “hustling.”
If you can’t relax now in your situation, I’d be afraid you will never relax. There’s no point in being successful if you can’t even enjoy it. I wouldn’t want to be with a partner like that. It would stress me out. I have no interest in being with a workaholic.
So your ‘traditional’ boyfriend wants your money and can’t make any financial decisions without consulting daddy? Which tradition is this exactly? You plan his week, do all the driving – what is he contributing beyond an extra 10% on the twice a month dates that probably doesn’t equal the amount of lunch money you spend on him?
You are doing very well, but you are on the fast track to burn out. You need to apply the same level of discipline towards self care, specifically sleep.
“When I mentioned my dedication to my students and job, he simply said, “fine, congrats,” with a rude tone, which felt dismissive. It’s not the first time I’ve felt this way, and when I try to discuss it, I feel like he doesn’t fully hear me.”
I’m unclear what his problem is or what he actually wants from you. Perhaps you are as well. It sounds like youve tried to talk about what is making him so negative in these convos or why he is fixated on how much you earn or how you spend your money, and you’ve gotten very little clarity.
Being totally biased, I did become quite stressed reading your post, imagining daily phone calls where you talked about hustling, your side business, your spreadsheets, turning down suggestions to travel out of town because it was too expensive…is this what his problem is? Possibly, I guess. The story insofar as it relates to his behavior is super unclear
Even if he’s just not down with what you all talk about together or how you spend your time, that’s an incompatibility and not an objective judgment on you. He seems, for instance, possibly generationally wealthy (no loans? Dad managing his finances at 26?). If that allows him to have a different attitude toward money and spend more freely and luxuriously, so be it. He doesn’t have to date you. Likewise there is nothing inherently wrong with your focus on work and money or having more discipline around the two than he does. Plenty of people are into the same things you are, and if you need that laser focus to achieve your goals in life, don’t give it up to be more likeable to this one specific dude. If he doesn’t appreciate what you have to offer and can’t be positive and supportive about your life, he isn’t worthy of your partnership.
I guess if I’m getting any kind of coherent or reasonable story out of this, it’s maybe that you two aren’t a match and for some reason he wants to be a dick all the time instead of just breaking up. He might personally be into spending more frivolously or working less hard, but he doesn’t have a right to tell anyone else to live that life
Girl, your bf is a hater & is probably threatened youre making good money now & saving more than him! How does he respond? By makinh you spend more on him – wtf! Stop sending him lunch to his work & save your money – he’s ungrateful and can afford his own lunch. Youve only been dating for a year & so far he doesn’t sound like a very nice supportive partner. If you say he’s ‘traditional’ then he might be type to get threatened by your earnings – just guard your heart with this hater!
Stop dating a baby. You sound like his mum.
I don’t know what you mean by traditional but he sounds like a guy who can’t handle women making more money than him and when you do, he doesn’t seem to have issues enjoying it.
>However, he responded by saying that he’s going to entrust his finances to his dad, who will take care of it.
What a gem. 26M who can’t manage his finances. This sub truly amazes me at what people will date.
Your bf is out of order, your honor! Where does he get off on dictating how you spend your money and time?
Remember you are the one writing and you have a bias to not make your BF seem really bad and many of us are seeing red flags and incompatibility issues. You seem driven and have goals, be careful he doesn’t derail you and drag you dawn to his level.
Sounds like you need a new boyfriend tbh.
As a man, tell that blood sucking mosquito to fuck off. I’m not reading all this bullshit, OP you’re flat out dealing with a fucking 🪳