I’m (30f) in a relationship where I feel every time I tell him (34m) how I feel it ends up in an argument.
He asks me to explain how he made me feel that way which is fine but then he’ll say things like ‘well I obviously can’t give you my opinion’ or ‘do you not think that’s a bit irrational?’ or will give me analogies about how I need to rationalise and how he always rationalises when I do stuff that hurts him (the examples are always weird ones)
I explain to him that when he says stuff like that i feel manipulated and like im going crazy because he trivialises my hurt. All I want is acknowledgment, him to explain his intention and move forwards.
He tells me that i just expect him to always say sorry and that i could say anything in the world upsets me and he has to apologise. And he refuses to molly coddle me.
I feel crazy and sometimes get so upset I hit myself. I’m told after arguments when I’m trying to move forwards that i make him feel like shit and I treat him like the dirt on my shoe and he has scrape himself off.
I dote on this man and it hurts to be told that. I ask him my behaviours that cause that and he says my reaction to when he upsets me.
Because I feel so dismissed I can get really disoriented I cry heavily. He hates me crying and refuses to speak to me whilst I cry because it’s rude.
I’m told I manipulate him and gaslight him and never let him tell me his feelings. I try to explain that the only time he speaks about his feelings is when I tell him I’m hurt. Then suddenly he’s hurt too!
I went to therapy to discuss this and I used to speak to my friends about it and they’d tell me HE was the one. I can’t speak about it much anymore.
I start to believe in myself but then speaking to him again he’d be so upset with me and tell me how I make him feel so hollow and confused that I end up feeling like I’m the problem.
I worry that I’m a bad person because after a few hours of calmly explaining why I’m sad I end up getting nasty and saying hurtful things like ‘you don’t care about me’ and ‘you’re never going to see that you’re the problem and you are manipulative’ – I don’t like getting like that and I’m trying to work on it.
I record arguments now because he makes us step through everything we’ve said and I’m told that I’ve said or not said things.
I’m asked why I don’t leave and I guess it’s because I’m scared I genuinely am a manipulator and gaslighter. I spend SO much time reading about it and worry when you read that those types of people always think they’re the victim. So what if that’s what I’m doing?
I’ve been in a very happy long term relationship before and that’s the part where I hear in my mind that I do know how to communicate and hear each other.
Please help. I’ve tried to write this unbiased because I’m scared I will write it in a way to manipulate a certain response.
TLDR: how do you know if answer because answers tend to think they are the victim
6 comments
This sounds like textbook DARVO to me. Google it if you’re unfamiliar.
It’s a moot point.
If someone accuses you of being manipulative and abusive, end the relationship.
Either you should be single and reevaluate your behavior, or you shouldn’t be dating *them*. Either way, the relationship should end.
If you genuinely think you have a problem, get a therapist and don’t rely on your partner to do mental health care or provide an objective perspective.
This is a pretty common manipulation tactic. You express your feelings of hurt, and he flips it on you so that not only are you not resolving the issue at hand, but you’re apologizing and questioning if it’s OK to say anything to your partner.
You’re not going to be able to reason with him because he isn’t interested in hearing you, as much as guys like this like to ramble about being rational. All you can do is decide if you want to stick around for this and live like this.
Usually if you’re questioning your sanity it’s an indicator that you’re sane.
Also, say it out loud to him. “Talking to you makes me feel insane.” If he cares about you, he will pause. If he agrees or belittles – that’s not what a caring person would do.
healthy relationships are not confusing or chaotic – especially, financially, socially, or whatever… you sound really confused by what he says and how he responds to you. you said you simply want acknowledgment which is very fair. you want to be understood and for him to not turn your feelings and concerns into his feelings and concerns when he wasn’t the person to initiate the conversation.
he’s mentally and emotionally draining and sounds emotionally immature. you’re not asking for the world, you’re asking for your partner to be interested in what you have to say, how you feel, and to care when you cry. you want healthy but you don’t have healthy with this guy. i’m sorry you’re in this. it can feel very lonely and desperate in this space. you could benefit by honoring what’s important to you in a relationship and partner. you could benefit from choosing to be around people who listen to you and respect your thoughts and feelings. 💕
One of you is definitely manipulative. I have my own person opinion, but let me ask you this. If he believes that you manipulate and gaslight him, that you never let him express his feelings, and that you could be lying about your feelings just to make him apologise, **then why is he still with you?**