I’m M35 and my friend who lives 4 houses away is F40. Her son is 11. Through being neighbours, over the past seven years or so, I got to know her and her son. His biological dad has never been in the picture. Her son has never met him. I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 5 years and living together for three.
Over that time her son has bonded with me a lot. He’s a good kid and I’ve been there for his highs and lows and generally helping to be a male figure in his life. One day last year he unexpectedly called me dad infront of me, his mum and grandparents. There was genuine shock all round.
At the time I recoiled slightly. I instantly thought this isn’t good. But, as things do, they carried on and he calls me dad. I have never called him son. I always call him by his name.
Fast forward to more recent times I now get updates from school, invites to parents evening and asked to go on family holidays.
I’m not his father. I never will be. It shouldn’t have been allowed to continue. There are no boundaries set or rules. I’ve never known what her expectations of me are so if I decline an activity out with them for example, I feel guilty. It’s like I’m not performing a duty. It’s really messed with my mind and I broke the other night.
Please ignore how I communicated my feelings about the dad thing to her but I wrote a detailed email to her. I know it may not be the best way, but it was for me. I needed to say I don’t like being called dad and it needs to change. It was a balanced, informative and polite email with an open invite for a call or for her to email back or whatever. I offered dialogue.
That night I get WhatsApp from her son asking “why why” and I think he’s now blocked me.
She’s told an 11 year old boy that I don’t want to be his dad anymore. What the f…??? She’s not uttered a single word to me in response to my email yet. Nothing. But now he knows.
A day after I sent it I had nothing from her, so I sent a WhatsApp. A short conversation ensued with questions from her such as “what is there to talk about?”. I was genuinely gobsmacked at that.
It’s been a week and she’s said nothing at all since our WhatsApp exchange. My last message was another invite to discuss it all. Nothing back.
I don’t want to cut ties. I want to be around for him. I’ve made this clear. Just one word has to change and I want some boundaries set.
I don’t know what to say or do now. It’s like she’s buried her head in the sand. I’m honesty speechless how she’s handling this which is not at all and over this last week her son thinks I’m the devil.
Any advice on what to do next?
**TL;DR;**: Friends 11 year old son calls me dad and I reacted too late in saying it’s not right and told the mum. She’s practically ignoring me and buried her head in the sand. I’m asking for advice on how to handle it when she doesn’t appear to want to even for her sons sake. I’m asking for boundaries and rules and to not be called dad. Uncle is fine, as an example.
9 comments
Can’t do too much about it. If the kid ever talks to you again tell him ‘Dad’ is too much responsibility for another person, something like ‘Uncle’ is what you’d feel comfortable with.
Though the mom’s bitterness (which frankly is weird, who the hell let’s their kid adopt someone and gets angry when they say its inappropriate) means that you won’t have a lot of social time with him in the future.
Maybe that can be fixed, but with how strange the mother is, do you really want that fixed?
Sounds like your breaking this kids heart.
I want to be around for him.
But you don’t want to be a father figure.
I see where you are coming from but, would it have been so bad to allow the kid to continue to call you that? Especially since it gave him some sort of comfort. You’ve been in the kids life since he was 4.
This woman is manipulating her sons feelings and using you as the weapon to do this.
If she was a good mother she would have shut that down right from the start, she would have discussed this with her son in a sensitive and caring way, and she would want her son to have role models in his life who cared for him (while maintaining appropriate relationships).
She has done none of that. She is clearly not going to facilitate a healthy relationship between you and her son, so I think it is for the best that you stay away from them.
The mom should not have said anything to her son about the email. Besides moving I don’t know what other options you have. You made up your mind, it’s not your kid and that’s okay, but everyone will move on.
I think it’s understandable that being called Dad out of the blue shocked you and made you feel uncomfortable. You didn’t sign up for that. Fair enough.
But I am concerned about some of the wording you put here—”not right” and “shouldn’t have been allowed”. Just like how you are going to feel however it is you feel, this kid is also going to feel however it is he feels. He voiced something that might have been hard for him to say, and probably immediately noticed that it made you recoil. Are you sure you pulled away in the kindest way possible? Is there a possibility that your actions left him feeling rejected and abandoned?
Be careful a year or two ago a mother tried suing a neighbour for child support as he was acting as a father figure to her child.
This is some manipulative shit you are dealing with, OP. The mother should never have let this continue, it’s perpetuating delusion and placing a huge amount of pressure on you. Honestly, you may have to move, at this point – I’d certainly consider that option, to save sanity.
What did you want her to do? You said in your email you don’t like being called that and it needed to change. The only way for that to happen is for her to tell her son that he needs to stop. We don’t know how she explained it to him but if he cares about you, there’s no way it would not hurt him.