M27. Every time I go out to dinner on a date, or out with my mother, there are times when we are eating, and as I digest my food, I just sit in silence and stare around. My mind is blank. I’m just digesting food and just spacing out. Every time, my mother or a date say “What are you thinking about?” Or “Stop thinking so much”. LIKE IM NOT THINKING ABOUT ANYTHING, IM JUST STARING INTO SPACE, BLANK. It’s so annoying. They just don’t understand that men can have a blank mind.
32 comments
i don’t believe you. it’s impossible to not think. even “mmm full belly good things move in front of eyes but me not look feel content and safe” is thinking.
what is possible is to be unpracticed at being reflective. i suspect this is what your problem with these questions is.
This definitely deserved a post.
Also it’s fucking weird to stare off into space while on a date with someone or eating dinner with a loved one and saying no words. I don’t claim to be an expert communicator and know I can be better, but I also understand social norms. Which you are clearly violating here and making your dinner companion uncomfortable. So this man good simple, woman annoying post makes me think you need to do some introspection on your communication habits.
Good day sir
You sound like a really fun date.
You’re doing this often enough that everyone you have dinner with all the time brings it up to the point it is annoying you? Sounds like you aren’t as present in the conversation or moment as you think you are. I’d be pretty annoyed if my wife or mom was spacing out mid-conversation every time we had dinner.
That doesn’t happen to me
My wife asks me that occasionally and my answer will sometimes be “nothing.”
Sometimes that is true. My mind is adrift and I’m just staring into space, probably relaxing.
Other times that’s an outright lie because a) it would take to long to explain, b) I don’t want to talk about it, or c) if I told you, you might be mad.
What an idiotic statement. Generalizing all women based off of your Mom and some dates.
Sure, one could have a blank mind. But staring into the abyss isn’t appropiate while on a date. Especially if multible ‘table partner’s have been making remarks about it, that means you are doing something wrong.
Truthfully, you probably look odd or like something is wrong when you do it, and that’s why multiple people have brought it up. I have resting bitch face and when I stare blankly into space I’ve been told I look stressed. Clearly I don’t want people thinking I am on another angry planet when they are around me so I’ve actively made a conscious effort to stop it..
Truthfully, you probably look odd or like something is wrong when you do it, and that’s why multiple people have brought it up. I have resting bitch face and when I stare blankly into space I’ve been told I look stressed. Clearly I don’t want people thinking I am on another angry planet when they are around me so I’ve actively made a conscious effort to stop it..
This is not something I do ever and I think this is more of a trait at an individual level and not a gender thing.
I would say I do the exact opposite, I ignore things around me because my mind gets so busy, I wake up at night fairly commonly for an hr just to think. It would be really interesting to just sit there without a thought.
What is the question here…?
For you to AskMenOver30, you need to actually ask a question of us.
As others have pointed out, if multiple people are commenting on it, then it means it is likely your behavior that is off-base.
But the part I want focus on is your assertion that “men can have a blank mind.” To me this seems to show that you think men and women have fundamentally different ways of thinking.
Clearing your thoughts for mindfulness purposes has long been a spiritual and intellectual practice. I would recommend reading some Zen Buddhist texts if this is something you are interested in. But if think women are somehow incapable of doing this because of some biological difference, then you have much more serious problems than people thinking you are rude at dinner.
Speak for yourself. The internal monologue is constant. I’m always thinking of *something*.
That said, if I’m having dinner with someone I should be fully present, not going off on excursions in my own mind.
Having difficulty being present isn’t specific to men. Lack of ability to be mindful is something I wrestle with, too. I have a lot of theories on it, but one is that it could be a learned trait from my mother who is almost constantly disassociating.
This sounds like inattentive ADHD. I often see my partner do this when her ADHD is bad.
You’re an NPC. Sucks for you, dude.
Could also just be that nothing comes to mind to say. That makes some people uncomfortable but happens routinely for me and I’m completely fine with it. Introverts unite!
I reckon there will be thoughts there. Perhaps you’re not aware of your thoughts, or they’re just flipping around and not resting on anything.
I wouldn’t say blank mind for me. That is what my beautiful doggy would be in. When I space out like that it’s usually a subconscious need to be alone and my mind will escape the moment. Usually to wonder, think about past memories, questions I have, future events, etc.
The answer is always “the Roman Empire”
So… If I’m tired or exhausted, I can space out and think about nothing. Most of the time when someone asks me what I’m thinking about, I’ll say ‘nothing’ but the reality is that I am thinking of something. It’s just something that’s extremely irrelevant to anything in the current situation and, often, it’s something that I’ve determined the other person probably doesn’t want to talk about.
How is your dick involved in not thinking exactly?
Damn op bet you didn’t expect this nastiness. At least you’re not glued to your phone, things could be much worse than you just quietly eating your dinner. I’m going against the crowd and saying fuck it, if you want that peace, everyone else can deal with it. Isn’t this place always banging on about being yourself and not caring what others think??
Fellas, is it feminine to think?
As the late Ralphie May once said, “ladies, we’re not ignoring you, we’re just defragging our brains.”
When was the last time you asked a woman in your life an actual question? Something about their thoughts or experiences as opposed to day-to-day logistical stuff?
The sheer disinterest men have in other people, especially their partners, is shocking to me. There you are zoning out when you’re spending “quality time” with your partner and she’s probably thinking…:”this man doesn’t know a thing about me and doesn’t want to.”
You have no concept of how lonely it feels to be with a man who views you as a supporting character rather than a complex, interesting, LOVED person.
Do you mean ALL WOMANHOOD… or your mom, OP?
Also, 27m? You sound like you’re 7. *”Aww jeez guys, my mom won’t stop asking me about how school was today, I dunno it was boring what does she expect, ughhh I hate her!”*
Everyone got you for on a date this is bad.
Anyway my favorite male cousin is the same. And I tried it to empty my mind and I realized the closest I got was nothing in my mind meant I was physically exhausted. Not saying that’s where you are, but for me that’s the only way to zone out with nothing running.
. And while you should heed the “time and place” as everyone said and how you might have a weird look on your face, it’s not bad to zone out.
My aunt’s and female older relatives always asked me the same thing and I would get upset as my thoughts are private. Like I’m on the couch just chilling and I’d be asked what’s on your mind? Nowadays I set a default answer to placate them. It’s for both our sakes. They being older have a lot of more stress in the family even not during work. So now it’s impossible for them to empathize with shutting the mind down and meditating or zoning out or what you do by default. Referring to your mom. Just find a canned answer like did I leave the microwave running. Weird enough to not be creepy and likely they will ask less. Vs you say nothing and they assume you’re lying or withholding. ONLY APPLIES TO YOUR MOM. I understand the annoyance.
Still. I’d consider what someone else said. Maybe you’re not aware how you’re not fully present in the moment. My cousin is passive. Despite doing so many things hime can’t recall memories that well because “our family always goes out to eat”. But meals may not be the same. Not the same info or news yours missing. He’s working on it since his friends ask him the same.
My last words will be slightly mean, but it’s just to inform you.
I had a classmate who zoned out. And I mean fully spaced out. Glass eyed and stared upwards to the ceiling. We had a mock interview for practice and the volunteer interviewer openly noted how “I’ve never seen someone zone out for 5 minutes before answering”. The classmate was embarrassed, but we knew he has neurodivergent or something. We understood, but as a practice or fake interviewer or work colleague may not. Classmate replied with “sorry I had no idea how to answer and was looking for an answer to give you but eventually my head space blanked”.
Next is when a teenager in my family shy like a turtle, again we’re family we know them. But it gets on our nerves despite best efforts. We ask a question and silence. Its not a short pause like they think it is. I asked once hey did you hear me? And why are you not responding at all? And they said they’re thinking. And I said you come off rude if you pause that long. Please be aware. Try to say give me a second or a minute…. Something!
Not going to lie, I lose patience sometimes even if I know this kid. Can’t imagine being in a work place even fast food and behaving like this. And no this teen is shy and it’s understandable to a certain level. They have no tests that say they have other issues.
Just clarifying before assumptions made. For example, “hey let’s get tacos for dinner, how that sound to you? Or we can get burgers. I prefer tacos. Thoughts?” silence silence silence silence silence. I’m waiting silence silence have they zoned out? Did they hear? Silence. I snap at them hey what’s your answer?” I’m OK with tacos” so what took so long? “I don’t know” back into phone. Or. “I was thinking which one has more cheese”.
It’s just a bad habit this teen has. They’re not like that all the time. For everything. I don’t think it’s the cell phone addiction. Work in progress.
All they have to do is “give me a minute”.
Heads up, brother. I’m also a guy, 27, and I broke up with my last girlfriend because she wasn’t present enough in conversation or life really. It’s not just a man thing – it can be that the other person doesn’t know how to keep a conversation going, isn’t comfortable with the natural vulnerabilities that conversations bring, or simply doesn’t realize how much their partner values a response to what they’re saying. All of these are different levels, but all of them are basically deal breakers for me in a relationship.
And if you truly don’t like to have conversations and want to just stare off into space, find someone who equally wants to stare off into space and “not think.” But I hold true that it’s not a gender issue, and if it is, I’m on the side of women.
Edited for spelling
> “What are you thinking about?”
You could answer, “I’m just enjoying being here with you.” It’s more or less true, they will probably feel nice. Win win?
Alternate: “I’m working on a more elegant solution than Wiles’ for a proof of Fermat’s Last Theorem.”
“I beg your pardon, but are you seriously trying to control what and how I ***think***?”