I am deeply terrified that I missed out on the human experience in life. I have never hugged, never kissed, never had friends, never done anything that didn’t have an “economic” value assigned to it. Virgin at 30.

42 comments

1. Can you go to solution focused therapy? They can help you achieve your goal (to overcome what sounds like a social phobia and low self-esteem) by teaching skills and developing strategies with you. 30 is really young. Time is on your side. Change the way you talk to yourself, it can really change your outlook. Practice being kind to yourself everyday. I wish you well, you sound like a genuine person. You are not defective.

2. Wholesome answer would be to get a companion pet. Shelter animals can sometimes take a few months to warm up to you…a kitten or puppy might warm up to you faster, but shelter animals can be very appreciative.

   Naughty answer would be the BunnyRanch, a legal Nevada brothel.

   Illegal answer would be
   Methyl​enedioxymethamphetamine,
   commonly known as ecstasy or molly.

   Nowadays there’s stuff like this – https://www.cuddlecomfort.com/

3. 3 words:

   Work on yourself.

   It’s a path of pain but it will get you every thing you desire, and more.

4. I don’t see why that comment got downvoted! You absolutely have to work on yourself brother. In order for someone else to love you, you have to love yourself first! You’ve been in a rut for a while now! Start going to the gym. Do a 180 from what you’ve been doing now. Once you start to see results at the gym you’ll change how you see yourself. Growing, physically, mentally is not easy. If it was easy everyone would be doing it. I’m telling you because I’ve been there, am there but slowly getting out. It’s absolutely hard work brother! Once YOU start to validate/love yourself, people will start to look at you different! There’s plenty of time still. Start asap. You’ll thank yourself in 1 year! Please, please don’t let another year go by living the way you’re living!

5. Your parents didn’t let you do anything growing up?

   Edit: guys, I’m asking a real question here. I’m not trying to be cheeky.

6. There’s still time

7. I’m just generally hoping well for you!

8. Baby steps. If you manage to improve on a single thing each week, and feel better for it, then try again with something else the next week. If you feel more confident, try every day, maybe a couple of things each day, and so forth. Improving upon yourself is hard but worth it.

   I’m 26 and still never had a relationship, and the way I see it, if I try to get to a point where I feel comfortable with myself, then I can try to mingle more with others.

   Do you have any special interests or hobbies? Maybe you can see if anyone in your area shares those interests? And initiating small talk with neighbors and coworkers can help foster meaningful relationships over time (maybe something akin to a friendship), but if you get the feeling that the vibe is off, don’t pursue it. Don’t surround yourself with toxic people if you can help it.

   Most importantly, don’t rush it. 30 is still young and you still have the time to foster meaningful relationships. It may not seem like it right now, but asking for help was a very important first step. I wish you the best of luck going forward.

   …Also I might get downvoted for not simply prescribing therapy apparently, but I just know it never worked for me, so I personally can’t recommend it. Just sharing what I’ve learned so far, and hope it helps!

9. Along with the other comments, I’d like to add that you now have an opportunity to appreciate these things all the more when you do find them. It’s a weird way to think of deprivation, but I have a few (just a few) things in common, and didn’t get them until my 30s, and I feel AMAZING now. So, take heart. The best is yet to come

10. Go out and do stuff now, past is past.

11. You’ll live like this forever if you dont do something

12. You should fear regret and not failure. Because regret will be with you for the rest of your life. Failure is temporary – when trying hard enough success will come.

    Just try stepping out of your comfort zone. Go with little steps. The easiest thing you can start right now is to read some self-help or motivational books (pick based on reviews) and hit the gym/exercise daily. Work on yourself and success will come.

13. Sending you a big warm hug. If you live in Switzerland, let’s meet up and I will hug you.

14. Sounds like you have a lot of complex issues that you need to work through and it’s not likely this thread is going to make much of an impact. The best advice I can give you is find a good therapist. They’ll be able to help you work through these issues and get where you want to go a lot better than any strangers online can

15. You probably have felt or acknowledged this to atleast some degree a couple years ago. Let’s say 2. If you started from then, you’d have 2 years of progress and high amount of it at that. You gotta start now and be consistent so you can be proud of what comes out on the other side, that hopelessness you have only perpetuates your regret

16. I actually said this recently in another reddit but i think its worth telling you as well.

    Dont fear not getting the chance to have the younger fun experiences people associate with people in their 20s

    It still happens in the 30s and even 40s and there are people in these age ranges that do way more than look to ‘settle down’.

    So if you can get counseling or therapy. Get it but dont think youve missed it all. Be fun, there are people who date even older with no commitment in mind. Look for the people who still hang out and live life for fun and not aiming for a grand plan.

    Someones gonna wanna kiss you. Someones gonna find your jokes funny. Someones gonna be willing to go somewhere to eat with you and kill an afternoon.

    Do your best and look forward to better times!

17. You’re only 30. Good news is that you have time to get all the experience in if you start some therapeutic work!

18. first thing you should know is that no one is too far gone. there are certain thresholds beyond which things are more difficult (or much more difficult) but until you die it’s not too late to start healing your wounds.

    I would advise you to go to therapy and/or seek other professional help. in the best case this can help you examine your issues and mitigate the parts that are harming you and others, as well as prevent you from spiraling when you inevitably exit your comfort zone and encounter setbacks. you haven’t specified what if any addictions you have, but mental health services may help you with those and whatever unhealthy coping mechanisms you may have picked up as well. don’t be discouraged if you don’t immediately find stuff that helps you, or if you don’t see progress for a bit.

    most importantly, be kind to yourself. even if you find out that professional help doesn’t work for you, being kind to yourself probably will. give yourself the benefit of the doubt and instead of beating yourself up about the past, try to improve the future. find out what makes you happy and do it.

    as for making friends, I can’t really advise you there because interpersonal relationships are pretty variable and, ya know, personal, but try to regularly spend time with people you want to befriend, and try to learn something new about them as often as you naturally can, at least in the early stages. don’t forget to let them get to know you too – slowly, but honestly.

19. Idk if it’s still around now. But I was in a similar place over a decade ago. Meetup.com might be a cool way to try socializing. You can find meets for things you’re personally interested in, anything from religion, philosophy, reading, running, tai chi, tea.. etc. These are all people looking to socialize and make friends for the most part. I’d imagine it’s a lot easier than forcing social interaction with strangers in the wild.

    There are a lot of life situations I’ve missed out on, I’m 35 now, and not gonna lie, I still regret missing out on so many youthful experiences, but my life isn’t bad because I’ve been working on self love and respect. Don’t make outside experiences or people conditions for a happy or acceptable life. Love and respect yourself, you really don’t need any reason to, it’s an act, not a consequence. Be your own sun, find rest and peace in yourself, then maybe others will pick up on this and gravitate toward you. People like safety and security. That’s why you gotta do this shit for yourself. Recognize the futility of struggling with your situation and ride this wave somewhere you wanna be. GL

20. Be genuinely interested in others via empathy

21. I am in mid 20s and my life has been similar. I was a quiet kid with only a couple of friends during most of ym school life. In high school, stress about grades and getting into a college just stomped me. Talked less to friends and just studied more when if it wasn’t required.
    My social anxiety got severe and i just fucked up my friendship and a pretty good chance at a relationship. Now it’s been a few years and i feel the same as you do.

    I’d say there’s still a lot of time and don’t loose hope. First work on your beliefs and counter you negative thoughts. If you believe you don’t deserve what you want then you would look for the smallest signs of rejection and stop trying. That’s what you call pre selection bias.

    Try to find what beliefs you have and which ones are stopping you. Like believing 30 is too old to do anything.

    Get a therapist.

    I’d give you suggestions for reading.

    Mindset – carol dweck

    Subtle art of not giving a f – mark manson

    Solution to social anxiety – aziz

    Emotional intelligence 2.0

22. scarily similar to how i feel about missing out. The last 10 years of my life have been a complete blur and i missed out on university and school and I didn’t realize that i need to do normal human things until it was too late. A few months after i dropped out of university i realized that there will never be an opportunity as good as i got in my life previously to socialize when i was sitting around doing nothing never talking never participating. Barely knew my classmates’ names after spending years with them in school. I was enjoying my life for the first time in my brief at university but made the dumb decision of dropping out to pursue a solo career.

    But I’m somewhat relieved to know that you got touch starved because of loneliness as well. Kind of started feeling like a creep for deeply desiring a hug. I hope this doesn’t end up in r/sadcringe but i sometimes fantasize about getting hugged. In other aspects of life, I’ve become a confident person but there’s always that deep loneliness that i try my best to hide.

    With all that said I’m trying to steer this ship around. Desperately trying to find some social outlet but nothing so far. I would suggest you try doing the same, you’re still young.

23. Help others…….thats where the hugs are.

24. scarily similar to how i feel about missing out. The last 10 years of my life have been a complete blur and i missed out on university and school and I didn’t realize that i need to do normal human things until it was too late. A few months after i dropped out of university i realized that there will never be an opportunity as good as i got in my life previously to socialize when i was sitting around doing nothing never talking never participating. Barely knew my classmates’ names after spending years with them in school. I was enjoying my life for the first time in my brief at university but made the dumb decision of dropping out to pursue a solo career.

    But I’m somewhat relieved to know that you got touch starved because of loneliness as well. Kind of started feeling like a creep for deeply desiring a hug. I hope this doesn’t end up in r/sadcringe but i sometimes fantasize about getting hugged. In other aspects of life, I’ve become a confident person but there’s always that deep loneliness that i try my best to hide.

    With all that said I’m trying to steer this ship around. Desperately trying to find some social outlet but nothing so far. I would suggest you try doing the same, you’re still young.

25. scarily similar to how i feel about missing out. The last 10 years of my life have been a complete blur and i missed out on university and school and I didn’t realize that i need to do normal human things until it was too late. A few months after i dropped out of university i realized that there will never be an opportunity as good as i got in my life previously to socialize when i was sitting around doing nothing never talking never participating. Barely knew my classmates’ names after spending years with them in school. I was enjoying my life for the first time in my brief at university but made the dumb decision of dropping out to pursue a solo career.

    But I’m somewhat relieved to know that you got touch starved because of loneliness as well. Kind of started feeling like a creep for deeply desiring a hug. I hope this doesn’t end up in r/sadcringe but i sometimes fantasize about getting hugged. In other aspects of life, I’ve become a confident person but there’s always that deep loneliness that i try my best to hide.

    With all that said I’m trying to steer this ship around. Desperately trying to find some social outlet but nothing so far. I would suggest you try doing the same, you’re still young.

26. The only thing you can do wrong is letting the fear overcome you and wasting your future as well. I am in a pretty similar situation, but you are pretty young (hell, I think 30s might be even better for you to experience everything you missed since you have reached a certain level of maturity) and have many opportunities to experience everything you want and more. It’s never too late to do anything. Just go out, chase your dreams and don’t fret over the past, most of all enjoy every moment. Life is not a race, it really is the journey that counts.

27. I can relate to that in to an extent and the only thing you can do (in almost every bad situation) is to cut your losses. You have to find a way to let go of the weight of worrying that you missed life and start living in the present. Find out what internally makes you happy and focus on how to achieve it. I would assume that the only fix is good friends with shared interests and a loving gf. Don’t be daydreamy about it but rather objective and realistic.

    For me I’ve found a couple of things that help with such stress and unconfidence: meditation, fasting, working out, reducing caffeine, carnivore diet, stretching (yoga), cold showers, CBD, reading self-help books, martial arts…

    All these things are compatible with each other and play off one another for better results. If you become confident in yourself, you can easily improve your social skills tenfold just because you won’t give a fuck about what others might think of you when you express your heart out to them. Eventually people will be drawn to you because of exactly that. It’s funny how that works: The less you care about their negative opinion, the more they think about you.

28. Try Cognitive Behavioral therapy.

29. then do something else that those normies will never experience, like drug bender induced spiritual self discovery

30. ooof, did I write this?

31. You were focused on grades, right, so you know the first part of the scientific formula: identify the problem. You’ve done that. Now time to start making and testing hypotheses, doing experiments, weighing your results.

    It’s not too late, you have plenty of time to turn your life around, upside down, and inside out if you want. Many people have at your age and older.

32. As a big fan of hugs, know that many of us are more than happy to give a hug to a stranger. Age and gender have no effect on the simple human social need for a hug.

    Scientifically speaking, social primates require social grooming rituals to maintain emotional and mental health. Humans seem to have forced most of that into intimacy-related settings, or brief greeting rituals. Humans are wierd.

    If you are anywhere in the Midwest USA, send me a location, and I will let you know when I am in town and we can meet up for a hug!

33. Maybe try one of the dating sites? You can usually choose searching for “friends” and can start chatting with new people, who knows where it could lead? I met my wife on POF because I was widowed and home with a baby and feeling lonely and bored. I had no idea what I was looking for but we clicked and met up after a couple weeks and the rest is history. You are young, everything is in front of you.

34. Okay so I see a lot of ‘I feel’ statements here. That is okay! But you have to figure out what is real, and what feelings you are projection onto others.

    For instance you said “because I’m defective in their eyes.”

    Now, do you *know* that people feel that way about you? Has every one you have ever met told you that?

    You also said ” I feel like I will be labeled and called slurs because of preselection bias.” Has this happened? Does it happen?

    I think you are getting caught in your own traps of self doubt and assuming people will hate you before you give them a chance to like you. This can be hard I go through things like this myself, but I am working on recognizing it when it happens.

    Try to give others, and yourself, a chance. You may be surprised how kind and understanding some people can be!

    But if you go through life assuming everyone you meet isnt going to like you, well you are going to give off bad vibes and they *arent* going to like you.

    Good Luck.

35. This human experience you speak of is the human experience society tells you.. create your own human experience. You can become comfortable with being alone.. you can do whatever you want really ! Chasing an economic value is not my way of living but it is a lot of peoples. Be easy on yourself , if you want to change, you can. Life isn’t all about finding yourself and going through the social norms.. it’s about creating yourself and enjoying the experience here on Earth. Cheers to you, my friend !

36. I’d say therapy to help with your mindset and volunteering for awhile to get you used to focusing outward on other people.

37. Hire a sex worker. Nevada has brothels and would be perfect. Do your research and find the right place for you.

38. What about joining a club or group with one of your hobbies?

39. Take a vacation, somewhere where touch isn’t so guarded or taboo. France or Italy. Even Germany will do. Make friends, Shake hands, hug, get drunk. Live your life….

40. What capitalism does to a mf

41. You’re not defined by your past. You HAVE to do things though. It takes EFFORT. I was in a very bad spot, severely anxious, touch starved, extremely depressed, just unhealthy mentally and physically. After waiting years for shit to fall in my lap I realized no one was coming to save me. I HAD to put work in. Yeah at first it really sucked. A lot of it was breaking some habits that were the result of me closing myself off for years to “avoid stress”. Those habits were INCREDABLY hard to break. Then I had to formulate new habits.

    I wondered how can I make friends? How can I feel more comfortable doing it? I looked in the mirror and saw step one. I had to get a makeover. Started getting regular haircuts and working out. My confidence grew. Taking care of myself became habit. Then, I needed to talk to people, this was hard because I thought the confidence i gained from my physical health would make it easy, but I still had no confidence in my social skills.

    So, I just talked to people anyway. It was demoralizing. But I kept working out and seeing my physical progress in the mirror. I focused on that positive in my life often. It kept me going because while there were failures in other parts of my life my progress forward was more important to focus on. It was hard but I kept telling myself, “yes you failed at ______ but there is now concrete proof that you can keep going. Proof you have the ability to accomplish things.”

    Failure after failure, embarrassment after embarrassment, I got better at socializing. An important part was not beating myself up after saying something goofy. Instead saying “I am getting better so to continue my progress I think I’ll work on this ..(gentle criticism).”

    Point being. PUT IN THE WORK. You CAN do it. You just have to grit your teeth and get off the couch. Reframe your thought processes to give value to yourself and affirm what you need to work on without being soft or being around the bush. Don’t just say, “oh I should do something”. You’ll give yourself more anxiety feeling like “I SHOULD do this thing”. If your fat say, “I’m fat. My weight doesn’t define me but I’m fat. If I want to change it, I have to work hard.” Say, “CAN I fix it?”. If “fixing it” isn’t literally impossible the answer is YES. Then you say, “WILL I fix it?”. Treat yourself with respect, like your own boss. You say “yes sir, I feel like fixing ____ is going to make my life better, so, I will fix it.”

    It’s important to find a middle ground between being too hard on yourself or too complacent and soft on youself. Give it a month, pay attention to every accomplishment. Count or write down everytime you do something without someone directly telling you to.

    1. “I got off the couch today”
    2. “I did one push up”
    3. “I walked around the block and said hi to a strange”

    Even the smallest of things. One push-up when you get out of bed everyday will reprogram your mind to associate waking up, with a push up. This becomes habit. Over time you WILL want to do more.

    The counting of your tasks, affirmations of what you need to work on, focusing on your progess, building better habits and thinking patterns, slowly but surely build your confidence in your ability to accomplish tasks AND stick with them. This should give you the excitement to see what else you can push yourself to do.

    Idk any of that will help. It’s a little bit much after rereading but either way those are the thought processes that really helped me progress as a person. Maybe they’ll help you. Remember if you try, better things will come. But IT TAKES TIME. Then great thing is, if your alive, you have time. Take advantage of it.

42. If you don’t plan to be dying these days, then, theres still time.🤷🏻‍♀️

    How can you overcome this fear of yours? Well, first of, you need to change your perspective on things and take on some more positive outlook..both towards yourself and your current situation. Then, you need to actively face your fear. If, for instance, thoughts of not gaining any friends or being seen in a bad light bother you, then you must break that ice by go into action..pursuig what you want. If you fail then accept it as it is but see it in a positive light and try again. Just don’t give up. Move forward.