TL;DR: my bf (38M) doesn’t know if he’s ready to be in a relationship with me, but also doesn’t want to let me (31F) go. What should I do?
Six months ago my spouse and I separated. I had been unhappy for years and had already mourned the end of my relationship long before it was actually over. We have kids together and share custody. Approximately 4 months ago I started seeing someone I work with. We have flirted the whole time I’ve known them at work and a few months after separating they asked me out on a date. The chemistry was there, we had a great time and we went home together that night. The morning after was the first time we were intimate and after that we started hanging out a lot, going out together, talking on the phone almost daily, online gaming when we could’nt see each other, relaxing at each other’s place (after my kids were in bed or not home), having lots of really great sex. All while remaining completely platonic at work to remain professional and discreet even though it’s been so hard. They are also recently divorced (it’s been a year) and have told me numerous times that they’re afraid we will develop a codependent relationship and that we moved too fast early on. We’ve discussed how to kind of slow it down, but we’re very affectionate and intimate when we’re with each other.
A month or so ago, they ghosted me for half the day (read my messages but wouldn’t respond) and then called me drunk really late that evening to tell me that they were in their feelings and were starting to get scared of how I much I meant to them and that they wanted space to think about it so I backed off. The next evening they confessed their feelings for me and asked to be exclusive saying they want to be with me and that we can navigate what that means for the future together. I accepted and things had been going really good. We haven’t rushed anything, just hanging out like normal but with a ✨title✨.
Fast forward to last week, they were having an off day and I went over to their house to keep them company. Upon my arrival, they were happy to see me. I spent the night and things were fine. The next day, I had left to go home and came back a few hours later. Their demeanor was different, a little more reserved but I tried not to read into it too much. I left and later that night I had asked if they wanted to hang out more or have a solo night and they told me they wanted space. Immediately, I’m thinking “what did I do wrong?” so I picked their brain a bit and they confessed that they weren’t sure that they were ready to settle down with someone who had kids, we’re moving too fast and that we both have work to do on ourselves. I’ll admit, I got a bit defensive because 1) we haven’t even talked about them meeting my kids yet, 2) they have obviously known I’ve had kids the whole time I’ve known them and have expressed interest in my kids lives, 3) they’re the one that asked me to be exclusive and now they’re backing out , 4) we haven’t talked about the future or made any plans or anything so I feel like we’re not really moving fast at all. We literally just hang out, grab some food, maybe go to a bar here and there but that’s honestly it.
We’ve talked in depth about everything. They said they were starting to get cold feet about the kids and that my mental health worries them (I do talk about sewer slide a lot, as a joke mostly but sometimes not). I’ve explained to them that I feel like things were going just fine and then I’m suddenly being punished because they’ve decided they’re not sure if I’m what they want anymore. We talked about where to go from here. They’ve assured me that they care a lot for me and that they do want to be with me, but that they insisted on being exclusive because they were afraid to lose me at that time. I told them that I’m upset about this, I feel like they asked me out on a whim and not because it’s what they actually wanted, that I feel ashamed of myself for falling in love with them and that they’re focusing on things that aren’t relevant right now. I told them what I wanted out of the relationship. They keep telling me they miss me, they wish I would come over, but when I ask them what they want the outcome of all this to be they said they don’t know. They’re not sure if they want a relationship with me but say they don’t think we could do a “no strings attached” situation, either. They said they want to plan a date for me and see how we feel about it.
The problem is, I already feel super shitty. I feel like we made it official, I was “theirs” and it felt good, I was happy. Now I have no title again, I feel like we’re in limbo and that they’re just going to build me up again and take it away. They told me things feel weird between us and I’m like yeah! Because things are weird. I said we’re not “together” and you won’t tell me what you want out of all of this after I’ve expressed to you what I want. All I hear is “I don’t know” and I’m just at a loss here. I know it’s only been 4 months but I feel like by this time we should know if we want to continue doing this or not. Except they are just stringing me along and I told them that. They just don’t have much to say about it and last night they called me because they said they wanted to hear my voice, but when we were on the phone I was getting emotional because they were being wishy-washy and so I got off the phone with them, but right before I did they told me again that they do want to be with me. I just don’t know what that even means anymore and I don’t know if I can emotionally recover from this back and forth business. I just feel like if we did pursue something at this point, I’m not going to be able to put 100% back into it and I’m going to feel the need to put my guard back up in case they decide in another couple weeks that they want to put me through this again.
I’m in love with this person. I see a lot of potential. I love the way they feel and how they interact with me. It’s completely different than the trauma I’ve dealt with with my exes. Being with them has been a beacon of light for me while dealing with the monotonous drama my daily bs. I don’t know if I’ve just become overly attached and I’m ignoring red flags or if I’m being insensitive to their feelings and stuck in my own. 😭
3 comments
> They said they were starting to get cold feet about the kids and that my mental health worries them
Honestly this took me out. Dude bro is flip flopping hot to cold and jerking you around like a fish on a hook while he’s all up in his feelings and says it’s YOUR mental health he’s worried about?
It sounds like he likes you a lot and it sounds like that scares him, which totally makes sense after a divorce. But it also sounds like he is imagining the future WAY too fast and catastrophizing. It’s been four months. He needs to chill out.
He’s a grown man and it’s up to him to manage his mental health. If this is causing him so much stress this early on, I don’t think he’s ready for a girlfriend. Sounds like he needs to do some soul searching.
Well, in this situation from the guys perspective, my worry would be that YOU’RE not ready. Being a rebound kind of sucks, and I wouldn’t want to be in the position that I fall in love with this woman and her children and in a few months time she decides that she made a mistake.
Just maybe be friends for awhile and see how it goes in a couple of months? It may be hard, but I think this is coming from a place of fear on his part.
>my bf (38M) doesn’t know if he’s ready to be in a relationship with me, but also doesn’t want to let me (31F) go. What should I do?
Are YOU ready to be in a relationship with HIM?
If the answer is anything less than YES, then I’d suggest moving on.
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>they ghosted me for half the day (read my messages but wouldn’t respond)
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>then called me drunk really late that evening to tell me that they were in their feelings and were starting to get scared
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> The next evening they confessed their feelings for me and asked to be exclusive
Sounds like quite the emotional roller coaster he was on!
I’d take anything said under these circumstances with a grain of salt.
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> 4) we haven’t talked about the future or made any plans or anything so I feel like we’re not really moving fast at all. We literally just hang out, grab some food, maybe go to a bar here and there but that’s honestly it.
Agreed.
Throw in gratuitous amounts of sex, and that pretty much sums it up.
You’re FWBs who work at the same place, and secretly hang out together outside of work.
Trying to make more of this (him… OR you) is done only at your mutual peril.
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>Except they are just stringing me along and I told them that.
Well… *yeah*!
It’s a *long* way from having a bedroom buddy to incorporating a ready-made family, and your guy is wilting under the strain.
The truth of the matter is probably along the lines of loving the sex and companionship, but feeling less wonderful about responsibility for maintaining relationship with your children… because once he and they meet, that is a door which can never, ever be completely closed again, hence the trepidation on his part.
So yes, I can see his ambivalence here driving him to ghost you, get drunk and then boomerang the next day back toward you.
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> I know it’s only been 4 months but I feel like by this time we should know if we want to continue doing this or not.
I’m guessing that you want to continue, or perhaps consider deepening the relationship, perhaps involving your children at some point.
I’m also guessing that he likes the social and FWB benefits, but doesn’t want to “pay the piper” and open the door to committing, on any level, any farther.
What YOU have to decide is whether this is OK.
I think we can assume that you and he are not on the same page as far as this goes; the real question is if you and he can arrive together on a different “page”.