So I was with my high school sweet heart from 17 to 35, married when we were both 28 or so. We ended up getting a divorce due to me seperating from her because of her alcoholism, physical abuse, and eventual infidelity.
Physically, she was/is exactly my type. (Google Tabria Majors) Essentially chubby/thick, “light skinned”, pretty face.
I have a family who I’ve been very close with for a long time now. The husband is a one of my best buddies, get along with his wife, play video games with the kids, they’ve truly taken me in, especially after the divorce. Heck, I’ve gone on multiple family vacations with them over the years and I’ve gotten to know the extended family. I truly feel like one of them.
Just recently his wife tells me that someone wanted to talk to me and she reveals it’s her sister in law. My history with her sister in law is odd.
I’ve never felt physical attraction toward her, it isn’t because she is ugly, it’s that she isn’t really my type physically, slim and not voluptuous.
On the other hand, she is exactly my type personality wise. While I was married, I never had any inappropriate relationship dealings with her, strictly platonic as 1. I was married 2. This was my best friends sister and practically felt like family. My wife would make remarks about being jealous of my friends sister. Apparently we always got along really well. I have to reiterate I never gave any her any type of inappropriate attention, literally only hung out handful of times we all hung out together. I’ve verified this with other family members. We simply just got along really well. I believe my wife’s jealousy stemmed from knowing that I never truly “liked” my wife, though I did love her, but her personality was just loud, combative, and aggressive while my friends sister was always calm and reasonable and so my wife was jealous more of my friends sister personality more so than the woman herself. But because my wife was a very jealous, and an alcoholic, she would drink and bring her up during our marriage.
So now I’m very torn. My friends sister really checks all my boxes, is loved by my family, know my faults, and even told my friend that she is willing to try my hobbies. I am practically part of her family already so that whole hurdle has already been taken care of and apparently in talking with my friends wife she has the same goals in life. You could say it’s a match made in heaven.
Sadly, I am a bit shallow and tend to think with my other head which got my in my first marriage being a horny teenager. I’ve learned my lesson and will not sacrifice personality for a “hot” woman, but I also don’t know if I get be so not shallow that I can overlook physical attraction. I’m 35, and ever since getting divorced I have received a good amount of attention from women ranging for early 20s to 40, even though I’m reallly short, I still think I have options.
I don’t know if I should even take a chance and possibly even ruin good friendships. I am trying to approach the situation with extra caution concerning everyone’s feelings involved.
Any advice?
10 comments
I have just ended a relationship which was very similar to this. She was perfect in every other way, our personalities were perfect for each other and our understanding was on another level but I was simply not attracted to her snd I hated myself for it. Sex seemed more like something I was planning to do with her rather than the sudden urge you would get to just go at it out of sheer attraction I had in the past relationships. It’s up to you what to do but the longer you wait, the harder it will get.
Idk man every time I’ve dated someone I wasn’t physically attracted to I felt like I settled and you never want to be in something where you feel like you just settled. It’s not fair to anyone involved
Don’t do it . No need to mess up the friendship.
If you don’t feel any physical attraction to her right now, you likely never will. And it won’t work out.
Sometimes we can become attracted to those outside our type. But that usually happens with friendship or familiarity. And you have already been friends with her.
It would be kinder to just not pursue this.
You posted this the other day. The answer is the same — don’t do it. Date someone you’re physically attracted to.
I have always believed that a potential partner doesn’t necessarily need to be my “ideal” type physically, but SOME physical attraction is important. Sometimes, if the chemistry is good, physical attraction can grow with a person that you were initially indifferent about (it’s happened to me before), but that’s in NO WAY guaranteed. Normally, with someone you’ve just met, I would say try a couple dates and see what happens. The fact that you have an existing relationship with this woman and her family, that gets a little trickier. It might be worth the risk, but you need to tread carefully.
POV from a woman who is adored by a man who isn’t physically attracted to her- let her be and preserve the relationship you have with this family. Also, if it comes up, I wouldn’t mention this is solely based on physical attraction. You can simply say that you’ve been around the family for so long that your feelings haven’t developed for her in that way. Hearing that how you look is the only thing between you and the person you have feelings for is painful.
I (M53) wouldn’t do it. While physical attraction isn’t the most important thing, it IS a factor nevertheless. I wouldn’t want someone to just settle for me, so I wouldn’t do that to someone else.
Just reading the heading, deep down I believe you know it won’t work. That spark! That’s what gets me running home after work, just to pick her up and hold her so tight she can feel me thinking about her the whole way home.
I wouldn’t need to be attracted to her so long as I didn’t find her unattractive. It’d be hypocritical of me to say that I need to be attracted to my partner if I don’t need them to be attracted to me.