My (39M) girlfriend (34F) and I have been together about 6 months.
I have 2 kids (13 and 11) who I currently have 50% custody of, week on week off. I fought long and hard to get to 50%, and will likely move to full time care as my kids get older.
They have a strained relationship with their mother, due to some unresolved mental health issues she has, and prefer their time with me as I provide a more stable environment in general where they feel safe and can rely on me. Because of all of this, I am super protective of my kids and am always cautious of who I bring into their lives. I don’t ever expect anyone to come in and be a replacement for their mother, and I am a present and diligent parent myself. All I ask is understanding of my situation, and to make some efforts in getting to know my kids as we’re a package deal.
My only previous divorce relationship ended because my ex, after initially love bombing my kids and forming a bond, became cold and distant to them, started breaking promises and I could see my kids struggler with that. So I naturally pulled away and eventually ended the relationship.
My new girlfriend has an adult daughter (she had her young) who lives overseas and was raised by my GF’s grandparents while my GF started her business in our country (as seems to be a cultural norm for them). Being relatively young still, she enjoyed her single life and still enjoys going out with friends, which I encourage, even if I am a bit of a home-body myself, as I think life outside of a relationship is super important and healthy.
6 months into it and on my weeks without the kids, my GF tries to see me daily and I make efforts to see her too. I travel to her, help out with her business when I can, spend time with her exrended family etc. However on my weeks with the kids, she does not really make much of an effort to see us.
As an example, I invited her out to dinner last night, and to put up our Xmas decorations afterwards, which she accepted. However she later told me that she’d made an appointment (after already committing to dinner )to do her nails, so might be unable to make it to dinner — her nails needed to be done apparently because she was going out with friends and family the following two nights. To be honest, that really felt like a gut punch.
I have spoken to her previously and said it might be nice that the kids see her at least one night when they’re with me, as I think it’s important that they build a connection if we’re ever to go any further. She’s otherwise said that she’d like that and has indicated that she loves me and wants this to turn into something long term.
But to be honest, what happened yesterday has thrown me a little. I look back and she rarely asks me about them, or initiates plans, and just seems to not really acknowledge them too much.
So, Reddit. Am I overreacting/too overprotective and defensive? I know I can be at times after leaving an abusive marriage. Is 6 months for a couple of 30-somethings too soon to have these types of expectations?
Thanks!
4 comments
She’s not interested in your children.
She is about her life and business.
Can you accept that? It’s the simple.
What do you want from GF – to be a step mom for your kids or be your GF?
It’s very common and normal not to want to be step mom and build an adult relationship only. Kids are big enough, you are the parent and you should parent. Kids have their mom. It can work if she wants to be a gf only, “cool aunt” if you wish.
If you need mothering gf – find another one, this one is done with her motherhood and not interested in more.
This is pure speculation, but if she left her only child to start a business in another country, there may be feelings of guilt, sadness, family pressure, and alienation from her own child. Perhaps it was something she felt forced to do, especially if it is a culture or family norm. She may resent that she was never able to closely bond with her own child, so bonding with someone else’s children will be challenging for her.
If you are wanting to move things forward, you might gently enquire about how she feels towards her own child, their connection, etc, and be prepared to truly listen to what she says.
Why has she even met your kids already? It’s too soon. You really shouldn’t be introducing anyone to your kids until it’s a pretty sure thing.
Also? You say in your OP and in your follow up comments that you don’t expect her to play mommy 2.0 but in the same breath you expect her to prioritize your kids.
I’m a childfree step mom. I mod a stepmom group. The role has quite a spectrum. From “nacho” to majorly involved and all sorts in between.
Bottom line though, as long as someone is kind to your kids, that ought to be enough because she’s dating YOU not the kids.
It seems like you want to consider yourself super dad who has it all under control yet you expect a partner to step right on in there and “love ‘em like their own”—pretty unrealistic.
Plus? This is a woman who abandoned her own child. Even if that wasn’t really her choice, she probably has some feelings about that and about getting attached to someone else’s kids—especially this soon into dating.
Lastly, if you two see each other practically every day when you don’t have the kids, then she probably needs those opposite week days to do all the stuff she can’t do when with you/at work—friends, family, appts, etc. She gets to keep having a life—she doesn’t owe you all of her free time. Cripes, I don’t spend that much time with my partner and we live together.