I [M29] met my girlfriend [F27] on good ol’ Tinder around mid 2022. Been official about 18 months. I am 29 and she 27. We both said we didn’t want anything serious initially, but here we are.
Of course it’s always exciting in the early days, but the one thing I feel we did not do is *really* get to know each other. I did not ask too many questions about her romantic or sexual past, she never volunteers any stories or info and she didn’t ask me much of anything myself.
I couldn’t tell you when her last boyfriend before me was, if she’s ever been heartbroken, if she’s ever cheated.. I feel I know next to nothing about her.
I even bought a silly board game a while back so we could have fun when drunk and share some stories but no, she didn’t want to be involved in that and ask me to ‘not ask anything awkward’.
I don’t know why it’s took me this long to realise that I need more from her but I do.
So I feel I missed out on the really getting to know each other part because either of us were either (a) too drunk and it was all a blur or (b) nobody was asking the tough questions and now she seems content and comfortable. But I am not.
*It’s worth noting her dad is long gone so she may have some attachment / abandonment trauma there so I got to tread light.
How do I ask the stuff I should’ve asked a while back? Has anyone been in this position? Is it worth asking?
TL;DR : Me [M29] and current gf [F27] missed out on the **really** getting to know each other conversations early doors and now I feel I barely know her.
13 comments
Well it sounds like she doesn’t want to share about her past. You didn’t miss out, she just doesn’t want you to know. It might be worth asking her why she’s so secretive about her past. There’s probably a reason for it
> ask me to ‘not ask anything awkward’.
You have tried, she didn’t want to. “I really like us as a couple and part of taking this to the next level is knowing more about each other…”
But you could mess up a good thing in doing this.
I dunno, if you didn’t ask either, maybe she just figured you weren’t interested. Instead of buying games to hint, what about just telling her you want to be more connected and know more about her? If you brought home a game, I’d just think you wanted to play a game. I think some assumptions that she picks up your hints have been happening and you’ll have better luck with direct communication
If she makes herself vulnerable and opens up to you, don’t do this:
https://old.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/18c9lwd/im_not_my_boyfriends_ideal_choice_due_to_my/
Many women are not comfortable sharing their romantic past, especially sexually, because men tend to take those things to heart. Some even develop retroactive jealousy. Conversations about body count, past toxic partners, etc. raise up our walls because we dont understand *why* you want to know these things.
Ask yourself: how important is it that you know who her ex partners are? Do you really want to get to know her or are you suspicious of something she has done? Are you emotionally mature enough to handle her truth? What things do I actually want to know about because of insecurity and what things do I want to know about because I want to know her? What values or standards are you unwilling to compromise on – are certain things off the table, such as past cheating or being an escort? Will I be willing to continue this relationship even if I dont know any of her romantic or sexual history? How long am I willing to wait to know more?
Once you have reflected on these questions and getting to the root of *why* you want to know her past, sit her down and let her know it is important to you. Make sure to be vulnerable yourself and share your own romantic history.
However, I have to emphasize – even if in Western culture it is very normalized to talk about ex partners – no one is entitled to other persons past, especially if they are not comfortable. Past history should be shared willingly and voluntarily when one is trusting and comfortable. Ask yourself: have you made the environment as trusting and comfortable as possible for her to share? Make sure she knows your intentions are sincere.
The first thing I’d like to mention is that without sharing your lives and your past (which is what helped shape who you are today) It is next to impossible to have a deep and trusting connection. The more you open up and share of yourselves, the deeper and stronger the connection. If not, than everything is usually kept at arms length and surface level. You also run the risk of everything coming out eventually. This could come from her friends sharing or a jealous ex among other ways. It’s best to come from her.
I think you already know that you will not like something from her past. If it was no big deal, she would share openly. My guess is that she has been open in the past and was met with some harsh judgment. I think she must feel some amount of shame from her past or that perhaps she was deeply in love with someone who broke it off and she still loves them. I would definitely want to know about that. That fact is, you would like to know who you are sleeping next to and she doesn’t want you to know. She simply doesn’t trust you enough yet.
I would expect at some point you will need to address this with her. It might come down to letting her know that you can’t be invested in your relationship without knowing who she truly is which includes her past. It’s just too risky to invest your heart and soul with someone who could rip it out. I mean what if you have kids and find out there is a deal breaker in her past?
Ultimately it’s your call.
UpdateMe!
I applaud you on getting the game. I also find the various decks of question cards helpful that some game companies and social interest companies make. Some are featured quite prominently on YouTube, and their channel videos feature couples, exes, friends, family members, and even strangers getting to know each other better by using the “games” and card decks to ask each other questions that may not always come up in conversation with some people.
The point: While these methods may be helpful to you down the line and may make the “information gathering” seem less threatening to her when it eventually happens, none of these methods are going to work without you doing something distinctive as an intervention for your relationship.
For me, openness is a non-negotiable. A must. It may be for you too… or at least be on that end of the spectrum of “important things” as a foundation for romantic relationships you have. I think – based on what you’ve shared about her responses and tactics – you’re going to simply have to be straight with her. Carefully. Lovingly. Non-threateningly. But directly about the main point: That you need to know more to feel comfortable in proceeding in a relationship and in considering a future with someone.
Now, before you do this, think carefully about the WHY. Because you’re likely going to continue to be hit with stalling or redirection tactics as you have in the past. She may ask you directly why it is important for you to know this kind of information. Be prepared with some answers. But, if openness is also important to you as a general trait you need/want to see in your long-term partner and spouse, I just encourage you to not be timid about stating so. I have found this is a KEY trait in success (for me and for others in my circle) in handling trials and challenges together in a marriage, staving off infidelity, working together as a team, feeling loved and connected. And, while some who are like-minded as your girlfriend can make a relationship work with someone who prefers more surface/shallow sharing and talking, there often is a feeling of detachment and lack of emotional intimacy for those of us who value openness and vulnerability.
In other words, while it clearly would be difficult to walk away from a woman with whom you’ve spent this much time and to whom you’re attracted and have deep feelings for, please do not let this issue drop and let her avoid it if it is important to you. If you need that and she cannot do it, it is a HUGE insurmountable sign of incompatability. The only thing you can do at that point is try to determine what is causing her discomfort and try to make her feel more comfortable with you. But, with certain people who are strongly this way, it has very little to do with the person with whom they are in a relationship or anything the significant others are or are not doing. It usually is a sign of deep shame about something the person is trying to avoid or which makes them feel unworthy OR it is a survival tactic that has proven successful for them to avoid harm or emotional hurt OR it may be a result of never seeing openness and vulnerability role modeled for them by their parents or close family. And, it also could just simply be a sign of how they see and process the world and a personality trait / preference.
So, you just need to approach her when it is calm and there are no conflicts. You may even want to tell her ahead of time that you need to speak to her about something important. And then do it: “I’ve come to care about you deeply in the many months we have been together. (You can even tell her you love her if you do.) And, we have been together a significant amount of time and at our ages that it naturally makes me wonder about where we are headed together. At the same time, I sometimes sit and realize that I don’t know some basic and important things about you and your life that I would usually expect to know with someone I’ve dated this long. I don’t know if we skipped that part while being distracted or how we have gotten this far without talking about some of those topics, but we have. And, when I’ve tried some various ways for us to open up recently, they haven’t been successful. In some ways, I know you very well, and in other ways, I feel like I hardly know you. And, for us to move forward together, it is important and necessary for me for that to change in the near future for us to consider a future together.”
She may deflect or try to change the subject. She may try to gaslight or tell you that she is telling you everything. Just try to not get caught up in the distractions and any stress emotions that she may exhibit. Stay calm. Stay focused. Stay neutral with your body language. Keep going to the core point of the message. Something like “I know it may not be as comfortable for you as it is for me, and I’m willing to try almost anything you suggest to help you feel more comfortable. But, we simply must be more open and share more with each other to proceed.”
Maybe you were judgemental towards someone in front of her? And now she thinks that you’ll judge her too. Or she just doesn’t want to drag her past in something new.
She doesn’t really love you and is definitely talking to another guy, a women being secretive or not sharing is a major sign you aren’t the only guy in her life women love talking abt themselves so yea just dump her idk why you’re dating girls online anyways lol
Transparency, honesty, and communication are keys to trust and intimacy. Without those, you will have a shallow connection. I would ask for those, and if you don’t get them, move on. Don’t settle for playing at being in a relationship when you could be in a truly authentic one.
I would ask yourself if you are interested in having a long term relationship with this person and if knowing her past is necessary in order to do so. If there is past trauma then maybe that’s something to eventually work through in therapy but it’s possible she doesn’t want to share in fear of rejection. Once you decide if this is a relationship you see yourself in long term, I would lead with “as someone who wants to have a future with you, it’s important for me to know more about you so I know how to be a better partner. If there are things that you have learned from previous relationships, it might help us to share those things so we don’t repeat the same mistakes.” If she’s not ready then that’s her right. It may come with more time if you have created a loving caring and trusting relationship with her and she feels safe to share with you.
Don’t ask questions about someone’s past if you’re afraid of the answers. Her past is her business, not yours unless it’s affecting you in some way shape or form. Focus on you and her, not her and her ex’s.
Any time you want to have more emotional intimacy with your partner is the right time. If she has some strong feelings about secrets from the past, you can have a conversation about that. That might be a conflict if you have strong feelings about knowing most of a partner’s past. This is all good stuff to talk about if you want to increase your bond and knowledge of the person you are with. They also have the option to not participate, in which case you will know she wants a different kind of relationship than you do. Then you both work on compromise or break up.