I don’t know where else to turn or what exactly I feel. Basically I have had 3 partners in my whole life. My boyfriend of 1.5y has had at least 10x more, I don’t know the number but I know it’s WAY over 20. (Could be 60 for all I know.) I can’t come to terms with that. At the same time I am disgusted by how many other women have had him and I feel so much less special and like one of a herd. A drop in an ocean. At the same time I wish my number was bigger. I feel like I’m missing out and don’t really have any experience. I was perfectly fine with my sexual past until I fell in love with someone with this many partners. And I don’t know what exactly I feel or think about this topic and why and I can’t get over it. Has anyone had success getting over something like this?
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Poor dude. Just wants a girl that loves him and all you can think about is fucking other dudes do you can compete
I would be happy to have someone experienced! It could be seen as a blessing (as long as they are good in bed!). This sounds like your personal insecurities rather than anything he has done. Love is hard, it exposes us to danger of being hurt. Perhaps you are scared ?
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Come over to r/retroactivejealousy.
You see sex one way, he clearly sees sex another way. I don’t think either of you are wrong, though plenty of people will just say you’re being insecure and judgemental and of course that their prerogative.
You want to gain experience and share that wonder and thrill of discovering yourself and someone else, with someone who hasn’t “been there and done that.” That’s completely valid in my opinion.
With this large a gulf in values, it’s ok if this just means you aren’t compatible. You can’t force yourself to be ok with it, and I don’t think you should.
The only time I have a problem here with someone’s discomfort with a partner’s sexual history is A. if they themselves have a similar history and/or B. are punishing their partner for having that history. Neither of which is the case here.
Not everyone will agree, but in my opinion, no one is the asshole here.
I think you already know how contradictory it is, when you say you’re bothered by his multitude, but you almost want to up your numbers.
That shows that its all in your head. It hasn’t created a real problem, you’re feeling insecure, and there’s no reason for it.
My favorite lover is my wife, and she didn’t have much exp before we met. We just fit together perfectly (like a matched set from the factory) and we vibed.
Experience counts, but so does sexual chemistry, and being able to respond to/meet needs.
Potentially useful reframe: your partner has been with a lot of people and has had a lot of options— and you’re the one he chose to be in a lasting relationship with. He thinks you’re the best, and not just because he lacks information or other choices.
As a guy who has had a lot of sexual partners, from my experience I think quantity isn’t the same as quality. Number of partners can increase rapidly in a period of being single or young or immature. By the time my I met my ex-wife I had been with 34 women most of which were hookups my first two years of college or fairly short relationships in high school. I also started way too young… In other words those experiences were fun and respectful, but not that meaningful. I was young, horny, and trying to survive. And while I don’t regret the high number, in a way I could take it or leave it. It hasn’t changed impacted me that much. The meaningful relationships with long term partners were far more impactful on me personally and sexually. When I met my ex-wife she had only been with 2 others, but it didn’t matter, we were more interested in the present and future. She was a little jealous and concerned about my history at first but overcame it as we became each other’s most and best. Sex with a long-term loving partner ends up far hotter (and linked to other experiences and memories) than any hookup or short-term dating. I don’t know if that helps, but I bet you’re not missing out on anything better than what you’re experiencing. You can still create the best part with him.
I feel for you. These are tough emotions to deal with and they are valid. I’ve been in your shoes with my GF telling me about her body count and I was shocked. I realize it’s so stupid, but I feel the same things as you. Not special, less experienced and inadequate, wishing my numbers were higher. I just try not thinking about it, and focus on what I can control and our relationship. Thinking about her past or even my past is pointless. You need to live in the present and stay positive and make special memories with him. If you truly can’t get past this then you may need to see a therapist or maybe move on to someone you have a more common sexual experience with. Sorry ;(
Why does his past bother you, if you’re the one he is choosing to be with now, the one he is in love with (assuming based on your feelings for him), and you’re the one he comes home to? You might not be special in that you aren’t the only person he has ever been with, but you’re the person he is with and wants to be with, for far more important reasons than just sex. You are more than just a sex toy for him to use and get off with, you’re his partner. There’s no reason for you to not feel special, because you clearly are.
(Sigh) Sending you a hug because I feel like I can’t compete with my fiancé’s past a lot, too. 😞
I’m a male with a similar situation and feelings with my wife. I feel her promiscuous past has made sex not as important to her as it is to me. I have no desire to match her count but there are fantasies of mine that she’s done in her past that she won’t do with me. That’s my hang up, not the number.
>At the same time I am disgusted by how many other women have had him
Everytime someone use this kind of phrase I’m off put. Having sex with someone is not owning or having this person. It’s just having sex with them. People are not objects. If someone have sex with me, they don’t have me. I’m independent human being.
And why are you disgusted? Sex is fun and pleasant (at least it should be). Your boyfriend probably had a good time. Good for him.
Now you know how 90% of dudes feel.
I am someone who had sex with a lot of people. Not as much as your bf, but definitely over 20. Trust me, I don’t think about any of my past partners, ever. I only think of my partner, and he’s the best. I love him, and we have the best sex. Like, I know that some of my past encounters were good, but I almost don’t remember the details. It all became foggy when I met my man. I know who the people I’ve been with are, of course, but I’m not sure what exactly we did and how the sex really went…lol
Maybe that’s just me, I don’t know. But as far as I know, most people don’t think about their past when in a committed relationship.
Well, that’s how usually men feels about women’s past and accuse them of “Slut shaming.”
Your feelings are valid, but maybe you’re the special one. But… BE CAREFUL, this is not a competition, don’t make it sound like that, i don’t think that have a different quantity of partners makes you “incompatible”. Make your number higher might not bring exactly good experiences either. So enjoy it.
So you’re disgusted by his past yet want to up your numbers….
That’s enough Reddit stupidity for me for today.
Food for thought: my experience is more like your partners’, and I wish I could trade places with people like you a lot of the time. The sex I’ve had with a higher number of partners hasn’t necessarily been as high quality as the sex I’ve had with partners in which we were intimate for a longer period of time together. If you’re saying that you were happy with your experiences before dating this current partner, I feel that maybe it could be your own internalized insecurities or inner fears of abandonment coming out; we “don’t know what we don’t know” and perhaps knowing your bf has had super different experiences than you is messing with your head and making you feel some type of way. There is nothing wrong with you for not seeing more people! Also, if you feel like you’re wanting to explore now, why not approach your boyfriend with the idea to see what be thinks? Maybe you may find the idea of a swingers club interesting?
Just here to say that you’re not alone and I completely understand where you’re coming from 🤗 💛
Reading these comments is baffling. Why are you all discussing this stuff if it makes you insecure? Why would anyone ever want to know the detailed sexual history of a partner as long as that person has been tested? There is no way to learn that info without it creating negative feelings.
Men and women are inherently different especially when it comes to sex. As women we tend to have more emotion behind our sexual experiences which also creates emotional baggage. However men can go around and sleep with a bunch of women and it not ever mean much to them. If a women has a high body count most of the times it means she has a lot more baggage and for her it will be harder to pair bond. For men casual sex is just that, casual sex. You being his girlfriend though solidifies that he wants you and only you. You shouldn’t feel like your sharing him because he’s all yours. You also shouldn’t feel like your missing out because it just brings more issues to you in the long run. You should feel very proud of the fact you have a low body count it aids in being a high value women
Kind of flip flopped for me. My wife doesn’t know her number but it is easily more than 25. Mine is at 2. I’m pretty sure I may have lied to her that I had a higher number.
Regardless if I let myself dwell on it I can get upset. Mainly from the aspect that given her high number of partners she’s definitely been with a guy with a bigger dick than me. So I can easily make myself feel inadequate, but I always remind myself that she chose me. And continues to choose me every day.
Also our sexual compatibility is perfect. So I have no reason to try and find new partners to “even the score” because we have great sex. I don’t really know what one night stands entail but I am pretty certain that the sex won’t compare to the sex I have with my wife
I think you may have the same sense of concern. That your BF may have been with a woman who has bigger boobs or a better butt or whatever. But at the end of the day those partners didn’t work out for him. He chose you and I think it has to mean something
Everyone has a past, really it does not matter unless he is still being a player, but if he is loyal to you, and maybe you are the one that he was looking for. Can’t fault young hormone filled men and women.
If you are FOMO post on reddit and you can cross 60 in a month
PlintaSPEEEXies!
I think it’s a demonstration you are not evenly yoked. Those who are more discriminating with their most intimate activities are more aligned with the importance or respect for the physical act of love. Those who aren’t should likely be with each other because those activities aren’t as important and would likely not think cheating is a big deal. Your right to recognize it, might be an indicator of future success…
hey! i recommend checking out r/retroactivejealousy ! it’s normal to feel that way, i’ve felt that way over my boyfriend whose only had one sexual partner prior to me. i’ve learned how to cope with it properly and our relationship couldn’t be healthier!
just remember, you can always return to the past, but no one is there. he’s with YOU now. he chose YOU. he loves YOU.
I think it’s called retroactive jealousy.
A lot of people dismiss these feelings because you should not have them while forgetting this is not an ideal world with ideal people who are perfectly secure and emotionally balanced.
I think a lot of people struggle with what you are struggling when a couple sees sex so differently. It shows different morals and values etc.
Your feelings are valid and I’m not sure what your best way forward is on this. But I suggest you consider a few things here.
– His higher number of partners is a product of a past that he can’t change. By that I don’t mean that you should ignore it, only that his number might not be a reflection of his attitudes about sex now. Only he can tell you why sex with his previous partners differs from sex with you.
– Like all of the other life experiences he’s had, his past sex life – for better and for worse – had a bearing on why he ended up with you. Whether he views those sexual partners as youthful mistakes, bad decisions, learning experiences, or whatever, he might not have wanted to be with you if they hadn’t happened.
– Speaking as a guy who had quite a few sexual partners during my single days, if I were him I would be worried about your lack of partners. I would worry about the exact thing that you’re mentioning: that she’d feel like she’d been missing out and that she try more things with more people before her next committed relationship.
– And finally, feelings often don’t make sense. Everything I and others on this thread have advised may not mean anything compared to how you feel about it. So you might want to ask yourself: “What might make you feel better about this?” He obviously can’t make his number of past partners smaller. Would sleeping with more people make you feel better about him? Probably not. But what might? If the answer is that you can’t think of ANYTHING that would help you accept that about him, then you need to seriously consider breaking up with him.
You don’t get over it IME. Some things you just have to push down.
Its not clear if your main issue is A) you don’t have as much sexual experience as you would like to have, B) you don’t like how little sexual experience you have only compared to your boyfriend, or C) you are bothered by the fact that he has has a lot of sexual partners and experiences.
If the problem is A, that’s something you can resolve in-relationship. I’m guessing if you talked with him about this and said you would like to have more sexual experience and you want to achieve that with his help he would love that. If uts the other two, i don’t think there’s a way to resolve things with him.
Don’t be jealous of another human’s repeated heartbreak. Don’t fear missing out on his lessons. You have the opportunity to be an answer to the question he was very clearly seeking.
Decide whether you want to be with this person given the circumstances or not. You’re not gonna find a better person to think this through than you. Write up a cost-benefit analysis if you have to. Insecurity is one thing, and everyone is entitled to their preferences, double standards or not, but jealousy is one hell of a red flag. How old are you?
I don’t know if this changes things but it is proven that people with a wider variety/vastness of sexual history are less capable of holding long lasting relationships. In addition they’re less capable/willing of working through tough issues. I’m not being biased but it has been proven through scientific research and clinical studies