For context, my childhood best friend (35m) and I (35f) became best friends in the 3rd grade. He was like a brother to me. We spent an insane amount of time together until highschool, and then grew apart as you do when your social circles open up. We even attended the same college for a few years but rarely overlapped. Post college, I lived across the country from him, and when I’d come back to my home state I always tried to make an effort to see him. Fast forward to almost two years ago, my husband and I moved back to said home state, and despite trying to hang out a handful of times, plans always fell through to see this friend (both of our faults). This friend doesn’t drive due to an accident 6 years ago (had his license taken away) so it’s hard for him to get places, which doesn’t help.
He recently reached out to me to let me know that him and his partner of 15 years split up, and he’s having a really hard time. He hasn’t provided any details around the split (I have not asked). This has forced him to move back home with his mom and her boyfriend in a small, small city, with little to no opportunities for housing or jobs, especially at this time of year. He’s “super lonely and depressed” and “loosing his mind” and needs to get out of there, and has asked me if he can come stay with us. We live in the biggest city in the state and it’s very walkable, and therefore a good jumping off point for him to get his life back on track. According to him, he would only be with us as long as it takes for him to find another place. It would be much easier for him to be in this city trying to find a place and job as opposed to being the 3-4 hours away he is now.
My immediate reaction is to want to help everyone all the time, so I WANT to say, ‘”of course, please stay with us as long as you need to.” (we have the space). But I honestly don’t feel comfortable with inviting him to stay. I don’t know him as an adult, I don’t know the circumstances of the breakup or any other demons he might be battling. My husband really doesn’t know him and is uncomfortable with the potential of a stranger staying with us, which I completely understand.
To try and buy myself some time, I’ve told him that we will be in and out for the holidays, and would it be ok if we revisit this in the new year, and in the meantime I can ask around and see if anyone is looking for a roommate. His response was basically, “I know this is a complicated time of year, but would you be opposed? (to me staying?)” and he reiterated that he’s sure he’ll be able to find something soon if he’s able to be here.
I have not responded to that last message. We all know that these types of plans and situations tend to be longer than expected. Additionally, we haven’t had all that much contact as adults, so I do have a bit of an alarm bell ringing, because A) there has to be people he’s close to, and why is he not reaching out to them, why is he reaching out to me? It might literally be because we are in the city. And B) I do not know his mental state, which makes me feel unsafe.
I feel very torn. I want to help him, and have the physical space to help him with this ask, but I feel like I don’t know him anymore and don’t feel comfortable with having him here. I love him like a brother, and I’m proud of him for admitting that he needs help and reaching out as I know that took a lot for him to do. What is the best way to respond without causing too much damage?
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TL;DR: Childhood best friend (35m) recently split from their partner of 15 years, was forced to move back home to a small town with very little opportunity, is asking to stay with me (35f) and my husband in the largest city in the state while they try to get back on their feet. Contact has been minimal since childhood, we don’t know each other very well as adults. We (my husband and I) don’t feel comfortable with inviting him to stay.
3 comments
If you’ve made up your mind, then it’s kindest to just say a clear no so that he can look for other possibilities. You don’t have to give a long explanation, just “My husband and I have talked it over, and I’m sorry, but we can’t have you stay with us.” Then if you want, you can offer to send him apartment listings in your area, or ask around for a reputable realtor, or any help that you genuinely want to offer.
If you’re genuinely on the fence and your husband is open to the possibility, then at a MINIMUM you should have a face-to-face with this guy before you offer to let him stay with you. It sounds risky.
I’ll be a little unkind but I’ll ask – he’s 35, does he not have any other bonds beyond someone who’s basically an old acquaintance and thus a stranger? What he asked too is not “hey I’m coming to where you live, let’s get coffee” it’s “hey, let me, a person you haven’t known as an adult, stay with you indefinitely”. That’s an *insane* thing to ask, no matter his desperation.
Tell him you’re sorry for his troubles but you and your husband can’t help in this manner. Not *right now*, be clear – at all. To imply that during the holidays it wouldn’t be possible makes it seem like *after* you’d be open, and it’s not the case.
Perhaps offer again to check of anyone is open to a roommate or something, but don’t walk on fire for him. You said it yourself, *you don’t know him*, you can’t vouch for him.
You didn’t break him so you don’t need to fix him. If you want to help for a brief period of time go for it, but put a limit on it in case it doesn’t work out well.