(19M) I am not sure if my (18M) GF is being truthful or reasonable with me and I’m having too many doubts.

My GF (F18) and I (M19) have been dating for nearly 2 years now and got into an argument yesterday. I had been feeling sick for a nearly a week and have been feeling exhausted mentally and physically. I also have been having increasingly worsening insomnia, depression, anxiety, focus difficulties so I haven’t been super attentive, very distractible, and uncontrollably zoning out/dissociating.

She asked me if I would like to hangout that day to which I politely declined and explained I really don’t feel that well and I am not particularly in the greatest mood to be social. She tells me I don’t have to do anything but I know that that’s typically not true because I am always asked to get her food, give her attention, do some of her own chores, drive to her house (sometimes she offers to pick me up when she does she typically forces me to sleepover), etc. For the past week Ive felt as though I’ve been doing even more for her out of guilt of not being always “there” (she wanted me to buy her a gift for mothers day even though she’s not a mother but I did anyway). I explain that to her and she snaps and says “whatever I just wanted to sit with you, I always feel so unloved.” I ask her to explain and she says she feels like I don’t enjoy spending time with her anymore so I reattempt to explain myself to her (she had been having this for as long as my issues have persisted for) and tell her I’m just having issues recently and have been putting in all the extra effort and doing more for her to make up for it. I’ve really been starting to realize for the past couple of months that she’s still not happy no matter how much effort I put into the relationship and I feel used.

Whenever I ask her for something, she declines and says she doesn’t feel like doing whatever I ask of her. Feeling hurt, I tell her that maybe we should end it as her and my needs aren’t being fully met. She goes on to leave remarks saying “since you’re so excited just do it” and “your first thought is just to break up” (we’ve had a couple arguments because of these issues I’m having and have mentioned this solution before). She tells me all I do is go on my phone and that my issues have nothing to do with me not paying attention to her. Once again I tell her it literally feels impossible to me to stop zoning out on my phone but I get off whenever I realize I’m on it. And I said it hurts to put so much effort into something and only get disappointment back. She says she’s not disappointed, she just wants me off my phone (looking back she completely contradicted herself?). She says I always assume stuff and she has to study and needs me so she can concentrate on studying. I ask why and she says “I just doooo”. I then ask her when can I tend to my own needs and she flat out says “tomorrow.” I tell her no and she says ”fine since you hate me.” I tell her to stop doing that to me. And she blames me saying that she was in tears because I “insulted the relationship” by saying we’re incompatible. I raise my voice slightly and ask her how? She’s never happy with me and I’m not really happy with her anymore. I tell her I still love her but it’s not working out. She then reads me the definition of incompatible and says once again it is insulting and she says it means I dont want to be with her, so of course it would be insulting. I become confused by this since part of me really does want to be with her, but I also dont want to if it only results in pain. She throws out more remarks and at this point and says my defense mechanism is to want to break up and im lying to her about loving her. Im really starting to doubt whether or not I’m really in the wrong, so I just apologize for it and she apologizes for being a bit pushy.

Looking back at all of this somewhat more clearly, this puts a sour taste in my mouth. I realize these patterns are literally going to go on for as long as the relationship goes on and I feel hopeless. I really did mean that I wanted to be with her at the time of apologizing, but now I’m definitely having even more doubts as I noticed how she tripped me out and treated me. Even so I can’t help but doubt myself even more and ask myself If I am in the wrong. I also talked to a mutual friend of ours and asked him about a conversation I somewhat overheard about her giving another one of her friends advice on how to guilt trip her own boyfriend (also my old bestfriend). When I asked her she said that she was talking about a teacher would mess with. The friend confirmed this was not true and what I heard was correct. My gf and I are going on a vacation with all of my friends in a couple of weeks that is non refundable and I feel trapped. At this point I really don’t know what to do and this has been a very disorienting experience and now believe this is part of the reason my mental health has dropped significantly. I feel as if I cant trust her anymore and can’t stand to be in this relationship anymore. How can I end this? How can I defend myself better for the actual breakup? Do I end this before or after the nonrefundable trip?

TLDR: I have been putting a load of effort into a relationship only to get berated and manipulated and am looking for a way out. I have once called her out on this type of behavior but now Im so confused I cannot think clearly about things. Whenever I want to breakup, it always gets turned on me and I start to doubt whether or not my reasons are valid or true because of my memory and focus issues.

Sorry If this is very long and not very grammatically correct, I haven’t gotten any sleep. If you have any questions please ask away as there are probably some things I have left out.