UPDATE: My (26F) estranged sister (23F) wants to talk to me months after almost ruining my wedding. How should I respond?

19 comments

1. Hey, the trash took itself out. Lucky you.

2. I’m so glad it worked out like this. People were saying that maybe she’s sober. She isn’t and she wasn’t when she reached out. I’m sober. 25 years without a drink. Sober is a lot different than not using. A sober person would have started any communication with, I know you have no reason to desire contact and I respect that…. Our childhoods don’t have to define us. You are a good example of that. Inviting toxicity into your life would have been a terrible and costly mistake on so many levels. Keep living your life and put her in the rear view mirror.

3. Do yourself a favour block her back so she doesn’t have the opportunity to unblock you and unload all her hatred at you.

   If and when you ever decide to get back in contact then you can unblock her as it’s your choice not hers.

4. *Sigh*

   I usually enjoy being right but I’m genuinely sorry I was in this instance.

   Good job on the work you’ve done to break the cycle and work on yourself. It says a lot about her that she sees that as a threat.

5. Now at least you know where you stand and you can move on with your life.

6. Just block her.

7. Glad you blocked her.

8. The sister is toxic as hell and shows that she is jealous and will always take the first opportunity to attack OP.

   Being “blood” doesn’t mean anything if that “blood” relative is a horrible person and unhealthy to have a relationship with.

9. > I suppose if she ever unblocks me, she will see it.

   Nah, once it bounced back to your phone it’s up to you to re-send, which you generally have to do manually. Plus you’ve blocked her. So it won’t go through.

   Good luck with everything.

10. Wow, she didn’t even give it 24 hours before turning on you! At least now you know your first inclination not to have contact with her again was the right call. She didn’t want to apologize, she probably just needed something from you. If you have blocked all communication, I suspect you will feel like a weight has been lifted, knowing she no longer has an avenue to barge her way back into your life.

11. AND she used the wrong your. Gross.

12. It’s sad that she behaves this way and is so nasty to you because she chooses a lesser path in life. All I can say is when (not if, when) she hits rock bottom, be there for her. Help as little but enough to get her back on her feet in the right direction.

13. This interaction reminds me VERY strongly of how my ex-boyfriend used to communicate. He was heavily traumatised from childhood and was never formally diagnosed, but he met every single criteria for bipolar disorder. He also had diagnosed ADHD and anxiety, and had a *cough* complicated history with substance use.

    I think your suspicion that your sister is bipolar is most likely very accurate. In my experience, my ex was almost ‘normal’ or his ‘real’ self when he was intoxicated, and a chaotic mess of avoidance, anger, mania and depression whilst sober. He was an honest drunk and a sober liar, and could only communicate emotionally when he had a couple beers in his system at a minimum.

    I think the other comments here suggesting that your sister was high when she texted you and then reneged on it sober are dead accurate. She’s probably embarrassed, angry, rejection-sensitive and god knows what the fuck else.

    The way she talks reminds me a lot of my ex, and if she’s anything like him, my guess would be that she feels at least somewhat guilty for the shit she’s put you through, and part of her wants to make amends even though she’s not mentally capable of communicating enough to achieve that. That part of her was the one who texted you high, and then a more narcissistic part of her kicked in when she was sober. She’s probably hurt that her pathetic attempt at reaching out wasn’t enough for you to come running back, hence the aggression.

    Or maybe she wanted coke money. Who knows.

    I am SO fucking proud of you for holding your ground, and so relieved the trash took itself out. I would bet that your sister loves you, but narcissistic abuse coupled with her self-medicating with drugs have made her completely unable to regulate her emotions or behaviour. Her love means nothing if she can’t express it in a way that doesn’t hurt you.

    Blocking and moving on is the absolute best thing you can do for yourself and for her right now. If she ever gets help it will be years if not decades, and losing access to you fully may be a good catalyst for that but you can’t rely on it. Well done for not letting your childhood define you and for holding your boundaries firm. It’s something to be exceptionally proud of❤️

14. You handled this very well. Kudos to you

15. I’m a firm believer that people don’t change.

16. Absolutely toxic. Good for you OP. Keep her far away.

17. This is exactly how my oldest sibling communicated with me before I cut off contact. We had a very traumatic childhood. I asked them to walk me down the aisle and in the end they didn’t even bother to show at my wedding. I reached out more than once after to try and arrange a visit and they lost it on me, saying I’m impossible to talk to because my wedding and life and marriage is so perfect etc. it’s not the first time they’ve basically berated me for having it “so good”, for having a perfect life and no reason to complain about anything ever, as if I didn’t bust my ass at my job and years of therapy and occasionally medication to get to this point. As if I still don’t struggle occasionally with cptsd. By the way, I never talk about my life with them due to past bad responses. I walk on eggshells, afraid of making them feel bad so I never brag never celebrate any wins. I was afraid to even tell them I was engaged. They didn’t take that well either.

    It hurts so badly when I’ve done nothing but be there for them, and have only wanted their approval. My siblings choices aren’t anywhere near yours, though they are self destructive. I do believe they need therapy to get out of angry wounded lashing out victim mode for sure.

    Reading the same thing here, such similar language, gave me chills. It felt SO strange to read what feels like a direct quote from my own push-pull sibling from someone else’s. I believe we become the whipping post because we have a history with our respective siblings of being safe. As in, we’ve taken their mood swings, their insults, and also shown love and trust and allowed ourselves to be walked over. Once we try to protect ourselves and break outta that role… The “relationship” which was one way all along breaks down.

    I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I wish I had advice. I still struggle with my broken connection with my sibling. It’s only been a few months for me. I just wanted to write that to say you’re not alone. You didn’t cause this either. And you don’t deserve how you’ve been treated.

18. For the best. Save your emotions and mental for good people.

19. Just talk to her, she’s family.