Going crazy. Please help
My (34f) gf and I (34m) have had an amazing relationship for almost two years. We moved in together very quickly, almost 3 months. Met families and everything. We were very happy.
The relationship started with neither of us looking for a relationship, strictly physical and of course I caught feelings. But once we figured it out it was great.
Almost 2 years later (this past October) we hit a huge hiccup in the relationship and went to couples therapy. The therapist came to the conclusion that we should step away from the relationship, focus on ourselves, and come back in December to see if we still want to be together. This plan began October 20th-ish
However, as much as we agreed we would do that we still texted everyday (I had started staying with my family, my stuff was still at our home) continued saying we miss and love each other over text. Texting most days. There were 3 days that we really buckled down to not communicate at all because we thought what the therapist told us to do would help and we (from my understanding) were trying to fix ourselves so that we could be better come December.
By November 10th we were going on dates together and being physical again really moving forward. It felt like we had been fixed.
All of this time I had known that her and her best friend were hanging out a lot with her best friends husband and his best friend, who happens to be her ex. Sorry if this is confusing just trying to keep names out.
After a few of our dates after it was very apparent we were back together I built the courage to ask if anything had happened because it was bugging me. After really trying to hide it she begrudgingly told me that her and her ex had been physical twice and went on a date together.
I KNOW we were on a break and I don’t have a right to be mad at her. I’m not even mad I’m more just… Im not even sure just hurt. I’m not sure when these times happened but at most it was 2 days of not talking to me she slept with him.. twice! The twice part adds to it because she said it was a mistake.
We are great together and very happy but now I can’t get it out of my head. It’s consuming me. Everything we do, go on dates, hold hands, her nickname I call her is now twisted. Every second my brain isn’t occupied by work or tv or something that’s what I’m thinking about. When we start to be physical, during and after it’s just the thought of them is eating me alive.
What can I do? Just let time heal the wound? Will it heal the wound? I feel so bad for even being hurt.
TLDR: Gf and I were at a rocky point in the relationship, took a small break and she got back with her ex within that time.
47 comments
The first thing you should do is tell that therapist to go jump in a lake. Telling a couple who want to fix their relationship to take a break from each other is ridiculous. Breaks destroy relationships (for reasons like you’ve just experienced).
Taking that break was pretty stupid, but I would be extremely bother by the time you were supposed to be working on yourself, she spent most of it hanging out with friends and her ex, she figured that ment go hookup with another guy, i’m not really sure how you get past that, that very well may end the relationship for me. Because clearly, she wasn’t really worried about your relationship, it was go have fun and not worry about it, when this time was about fixing your relationship. But she was hooking up with her ex while talking to you every day. Just my opinion, i’m sure other people will have other opinions.
When you figure this out, let me know. Going through the same thing right now. 🙁
if the entire point of you guys taking a break was to fix your problems, you guys should have remained exclusive, and i would definitely consider this cheating and be done. If you guys broke up totally and just agreed to go your separate ways and MAYBE try again after a little while, its one thing, but you were planning on trying to fix things. Not to mention you guys just get out of a 2 year relationship (not even fully out of it) and within a month she sleeps with him twice, and then starts going on dates w you again, im sorry OP but to me it seems like she wasnt rly that over or done w him, and the therapist sucked or was on her side with mentioning the break, bc it seems like one of the main reasons to take a break was to get with her ex without having to worry about losing you in the process. At the very least that break should have been exclusive if you wanted to fix things, and her getting w her ex that soon after you took a break when she knows youre going to start seeing each other again very soon should tell you what you need to know.
This is why I don’t do that take a break shit. It’s not worth being put in that position.
If the intention of the break was to fix the relationship and your girlfriend slept with another dude (twice) that leaves two conclusions:
a) your girlfriend is next level, borderline stupid because she didnt think that sleeping with another guy would further damage your relationship
Or (more likely)
b) she didn’t give a shit about you and your relationship
In either case you should tell her to fuck off.
My 2 cents
You weren’t on a break. You took time apart to think and reflect away from each other. She the fucked another guy. Not a one-off mistake. Twice.
For me, that relationship would be forever tainted and I wouldn’t be able to stop the mental movies. I wouldn’t want to continue not knowing if those feelings would ever go away. Life is short! Why waste it this way? If you choose to continue, you have to forgive her for the cheating, start over mentally and still there’s no guarantee it won’t come back to haunt you without warning some day.
Godspeed and keep us updated!
Even though you guys were on a break it shows her character. I would move on if I was you. Just my opinion.
You have every right to be mad at her.
You split to work on the relationship with a very specific plan in mind and agreed to it with the intention of fixing things.
Banging her ex and going on dates is not fixing the relationship.
1. Breaks do not fix relationships, a break is a breakup, period. Literally due the reasons you stated above.
2. Sue that therapist for malpractice (not literally). What a bad suggestion. What the therapist had you guys do is literally a method used to move on from a relationship. Distance like that creates cracks, not heal them.
It is over dude. I know you dont want it to be but nevertheless it is.
You got some bad advice or you interpreted the advice poorly. Regardless, the key fact that while you were soul searching she was other dick searching. She is not in the same space or level of interest as you and took the cheap road to feeling better. The pressed self destruct for the cost of a week or twos wait.
You have every right to be disappointed with her actions. The fact she wasnt disappointed enough to tell you before you restarted dating and had to be cajoled to get it shows that she knew it was a shitty move and would not have told you.
Realise you love an idea. What someone else might have shown you before, but is long gone. This knowledge will never allow you to feel comfortable or trust her. Every time there is an issue the ex will be close by. Why beat yourself up for someone that trifling?
Mate. It’s over and you know it. It doesn’t matter that it was a break. Anyone who wants to get back with their partner isn’t going fuck their ex. She’s knows what that would mean to you.
Just simply leave
It will always haunt you, time to walk away.
Updateme!
She’s a cheater dude. Move on.
You’re not 20-something year olds. You’re both in your 30s. You should both know how relationships work. And fucking someone else while you’re supposed to be working on a relationship is not how you fix relationships.
She made a choice. You weren’t it. Accept it. Move on.
Who fucks someone else while on a break to “fix the relationship”…???? Not even that but she went on a whole ass date w the dude?? lmao run…. this won’t get better, it won’t go away, it’s over, my dude…
So you were working on yourself and she was working on getting her back blown out. My bro it’s over get the fuck out of there she didn’t give a fuck about your relationship she just wanted to get dicked down by the ex….. wait until she’s at work go get your shit and get the fuck gone. She knows exactly what the fuck she did
She plan to sleep with her ex while y’all trying to fix the relationship. You got played my friend. This chick cannot be trusted and I recommend you leave immediately because if you stay; your telling her that you codependent and weak. This will end bad.
This whole “on a break” thing can only work if there are rules set up what that actually means. Are you really allowed to act as if you are single and can have sex and date other people (which probably doesn’t lead to a happy ending for YOUR relationship) or you stay away from other people romantically/sexually and just experience time away from your partner and see if you miss them and what is it that you miss about them.
This must be a joke? You both agreed to step back from the relationship to give each other breathing room to figure out what’s best for both of you. Instead, while you were trying to figure out how to fix the relationship, she was sleeping with her ex. She forgot about your two year relationship and was sleeping with her ex within three weeks of you two agreeing to give each other breathing room (which is not a break btw). Do yourself a favour, step back and look at this from an outside perspective. She clearly wasn’t that distraught about your relationship problems and clearly wasn’t that focused on fixing your two year relationship.
I’d tell her to fuck off and never contact me again, personally.
The purpose of this “break” (breaks are total BS btw) was to repair your relationship. Not to hang out and fuck other people. Which is exactly what she did.
Unless this woman is a grade A moron, she knew this would piss you off/hurt you. It’s why she tried to hide it. Thankfully, you aren’t an idiot and got the truth out of her.
Now it’s time to take out the trash. This girl is not worth another second of your time. She clearly doesn’t give a shit about you, else this would’ve never happened. So tell her to come and get her shit, and to GTFO.
You *can* and *will* do better. Take some time, hit the gym, buy yourself a 67 GTO or something, and then find yourself another girl when you’re ready.
The relationship is over. If you continue you will never be sure if she’s going to fuck her ex again. It will haunt you and drive you crazy. Just leave.
‘I don’t have the right to be mad at her’ – it’s becoming more and more depressing that thanks to reddit, people are now afraid to have reasonable boundaries because they will be called out by 13 year old virgin guys that they are insecure:(
If all she needed was a 1 month break (TO FIX YOURSELVES, NOT BREAKING UP) as an excuse to fuck someone else, she really wasn’t into your relationship together.
I cannot imagine discussing a break with my partner to cool off from each other and ducking someone else while also caring and respecting them.
OP, I’m sorry this has to be eating you up. It’s time to give up man, she’s not the one.
It’s over, she knew what she was doing, she knew that this break is temporary, don’t second guess yourself, just move on.
No, this is not OK. You were not on a “break” in the sense that you were broken up. You were taking a pause and taking distance from each other in order to work on the relationship. Fucking someone else is not “working on the relationship!”. She cheated! She took the very first opportunity to cheat.
Let’s not overlook the part where OP said they were communicating nearly every single day, still. Oh, except for like… 3 days.
She knowingly was texting with you, on the pretense of working out the relationship *as* she was going in dates and doing horizontal lunges with her *Ex*…. yeah, no.
Come on.
Lemme guess- OP still helped pay for the rent as he squatted with relatives.
That therapist SUCKS unless the girlfriend confided in her that she wanted OUT. But here she is, trying to hold his hand again?
Man, go find someone that can love you the way you deserve to be loved. Try not to get stuck in bitterness, but move on, cuz you will forever have that shit in your head if you stay.
It’s over dude, she knew full well what she was doing. You will never trust her again, and she will never truly respect you. Cut your losses and move on.
Did you say you were on a complete break where there were no ground rules and just having some space? From what I understood you were meant to be working on yourselves and getting your heads straight, not fucking other people, especially an ex. Is the therapist thing definitely true because as one myself it feels like bad advice and seems to be like she wanted this break to see how it would feel to go back to him.
She is ROSS!
It’s time to move on. Weird move from the therapist but I was honestly so shocked that she slept with her ex. That’s cheating. 100%. I was expecting something completely different. Wild. Sorry bro. Pack your bags and leave her to hang out with her ex boyfriend.
Leave dude, your torturing yourself
Within days of taking a break to work on yourselves… she jumps right onto her ex’s stick 😳 twice!
Nah dude… you’ll never get past this.
Cut your losses!
Also, bizarre request from therapist (within first few days / wks of visit)
Personally, sleeping with another guy in a break IS still considered cheating because a break is to fix your relationship. Not for her to slide someone else’s dick inside her.
I imagine you are probably thinking things like, “Me, you needed space from; him, you couldn’t wait to jump back in the sack with. All it took was two days of no contact with me, and you’re back in his arms. **Even though he’s your ex.** Why the fuck are you even with me? If you were as hung up on me as you are on him, we wouldn’t be here going through this.”
Those thoughts are not invalid on their face.
I’m curious what the issues were that caused you to need to try separating. Those are probably still there. People don’t just magically become someone different in a matter of a couple of months. That sort of separation is usually about seeing if you are happier apart than together. She seemed rather eager to move on. You shouldn’t settle for being settled for.
Dump her
I mean it’s over, you had a break to work on your relationship, not to sleep with other people. It was probably over before then, she’s obviously not into it. Have some self respect and end it.
“WE WERE ON A BREAK!!!!”
Seriously though, the goal of the time apart was to fix your relationship and instead she fucked her ex twice. To me that’s cheating because you guys barely cut contact and the point was to get back together. Dump her ass and find someone who actually wants to be with you.
Walk away bud
People who are great together don’t take breaks and sleep with their exes.
You weren’t on break, the therapist wanted you to spend time apart. You were still together, she cheated on you. She made no mistake, she made choices to cheat on you. So much so that she chose to get a second helping of fuck. Sorry but you won’t get over this and she is not worth the pain and suffering she inflicted.
Her best friend’s husband’s best friend is her ex. So, most likely, she has been in proximity to her ex. I wonder how much this could have contributed to the relationship problems. Her sleeping with him shows that she has attraction to him still. This comes off as her thinking that the old grass is greener than the grass she had. Then she found out it was still the grass that she left before and came back to you. She kept you around in case it didn’t work out with the ex.
I’ll throw in another two cents. What kind of relationship therapist worth their salt is going to suggest separating in order to get healthier? That seems like BS. A good therapist is going to provide the tools necessary to cope with or manage whatever issues is being presented. Separation removes the opportunities necessary to work on the issues. This doesn’t smell right.
If this is genuine, this issue will likely continue to erode the relationship.
She gaslighted you that there was a problem and then started sleeping around.
I’m a woman. If my husband and I were feuding, and took a short time apart from each other as part of our therapy, there’s no way in the world I would think of that as an opportunity to fuck someone else.
Your gf cheated on you. She took the opportunity to sleep with someone else. Her focus is not on you and your relationship. You don’t matter to her.