EDIT:
Thanks everyone for shitting on this guy on this behalf! Like you suggested, I’m just gonna stop wasting my time on trying to guess wtf had happened. Thankfully I don’t really care about this guy, so no emotional betrayal there, but I am REALLY surprised by the amount of people who say that something similar happened to them???
Last time I was on dates I was in my 20s dating mostly mid to late 20s men, and they were many immature men but I never had to deal with such extreme behavior?? Like is this something prevalent in the 30+ dating scene? I’m more depressed by this bleak prospect rather than the guy itself tbh.
And yes, partially for this whole thing was my fault for wanting Japanese food. 9/11 and Pearl Harbor are never to forgotten.
Spent all day cuddling with my dog and watching the entire Trilogy of Lord of the Rings Extended Edition. Already feeling better.
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32F: I met a nice handsome 36M just a few weeks ago on OLD. This was my first date after 6 months of digesting a breakup of a long term relationship.
We matched, did a phone call which turned into a 2 hr chat, had our first date. We immediately set up another date, where we chatted for hours.
Since then he called me almost every night to chat about random stuff, invited me over to work from his place twice (bc his place is super close to one of my clients offices), we cuddled and made out on our fourth date, talked about our childhood and past relationships and opened up a lot, and he basically teared up a little and said, ” I really like you. I hope I get to keep getting to know you like this, and maybe get to a long term relationship. But take your time.”
Till then we hadn’t had sex, so we were planning on doing a sleepover (I had not slept over at his place) and hang out all weekend.
We were texting each other all day, at 6pm I text him I’m done with work and I’m heading over. 6:10pm he asks what I wanted for dinner, at 6:11pm I say Japanese as Im already on my way, and at 6:19pm out of the blue he texts, “Sorry, I think I want to be alone. Really sorry.”
Then boom. He blocked my number.
????
Trying to make sense or this, I’m thinking maybe his ex decided to show up at his doorstep? (he did mention that his ex was trying to actively search for him at one point). Otherwise wtf did I do wrong?
Thankfully I wasn’t yet too emotionally invested in the guy, but can’t help but be offended by how rude this entire thing has been, especially since this is my first date in a long time. Has anyone dealt with something similar? How would you make sense of this?
46 comments
I agree it was very rude and strange behaviour.
Whatever happened, it definitely wasn’t on your end.
I wouldn’t waste spend time speculating. I mean it could be anything, including:
* as you said, an ex reappearing on his doorstep
* he has a wife or girlfriend and the guilt kicked in
* he has a STD and was too embarrassed to disclose it
* he got anxious about how attached he is to you and self-sabotaged
* once sleeping with you became imminent, it made him realize he’s not over his ex
* he had a spontaneous mental breakdown
* he realized he never really processed 9/11
* he is having an early mid-life or a late quarter-life crisis and wants to leave everything behind and move to Bali
* he had a sudden religious epiphany and decided to be celibate for life
* he saw the heat coming around the corner and had to walk out his life in 30 seconds flat
* he despises Japanese food and anyone who enjoys it
Point being – this wasn’t your fault or anything you did. This is definitely something happening in his brain or world that you cannot control.
It really sucks this happened, but the silver lining is that it ended before you had sex. I suspect you’d be even more hurt if this happened after.
But yeah. Try not to feel bad. I’ve had people reappear later after abnormal shifts like this and it was never me or something I did.
I’m really sorry OP. Modern dating is off the rails. You didn’t do anything wrong, this was entirely him.
Are you sure that you are blocked? Couldn’t just his phone be turned off?
Either way it really sucks to cancel last minute but maybe he had a bit of a mental health crisis and turned his phone off
I swear, dating is impossible. Sorry, OP. You did nothing wrong. There’s really no making sense of these things. Clearly, there’s some issues going on with the other person. It’s not worth your time to figure out, but it’s definitely confusing and jarring.
Ugh I hate this for you. Good news is you hadn’t slept with him yet so (imo) less emotional attachment and regret. Bad news is… douches be douches. Just remember this is not your fault, and that if-WHEN he comes crawling back, that he already showed you who he was tonight. The end. (I also find it helps to add them to the contacts graveyard instead of deleting their number entirely, so you remember exactly what kind of BS they pulled when they try to shoot their shot again. Bc they’re pathetic and they will.)
Very strange and not really worth the mental energy figuring out the “why”. But I’ll speculate for you, maybe he has ED.
Ok potentially toxic answer but I would have shown up at his house and pretended I didn’t see his text. You had plans and were already on the way. At least knock on the door lol
That’s so cooked. But if he can’t even communicate about this, how is he going to communicate about stuff that actually matters when you build a life together?
Holy crap. I’m so sorry.
This is ridiculous, I’m sorry he handled this so bizarrely. Good news is you took things slow and didn’t sleep with this guy (realize that doesn’t matter to everyone but once that oxytocin kicks in I get attached) and he did you the favor of showing you who he is relatively early. Order yourself some food, curl up on your couch, and lean into self care. There is no making sense of this, you just have to write it off as dating weirdness and try to laugh it off with friends.
You’re good, OP. There was something cataclysmic going on on his end that you’re not privy to … just keep in mind that ghosting is shitty behaviour, so unless/until he comes crawling back with a *really* good explanation – he’s not worth any more real estate in your mind.
Sounds like he’s not in a place to be seriously dating anyone
Unfortunately there’s some crazy people out there who aren’t able to communicate, you probably didn’t do anything wrong. But even if you met just a few days ago the decent thing from him would have been to give an explanation to give you closure.
What the fuuuuuck. A similar thing happened to me recently with a guy who had HEAVILY pursued me for 2 months prior. I think mine is actually more married than he let on (claimed to have been separated for 3 years but still living together) and the guilt got to be too much–so my vote is something similar. OR he realized he’s not over his ex/his ex wants him back/he was in some weird game of chicken with his ex that he “won” by nearly sleeping with someone else.
Ouch. That sounds like something I would do, and have done, in the past, when I was too messed up to date anybody. It would happen when I was lonely enough to overlook that for long enough to make plans, then, I inevitably would lapse back into self-centered dysfunction and completely disappear out of nowhere.
I’m sorry this happened to you, but you’re probably not going to get any answers that will make it make sense. That is because it doesn’t make any logical sense by definition. This is emotional messiness at it’s most pure. You can let it get to you, or you can chalk it up to a loss, grieve what could have been, and move on. Even if he pops back up, he’s probably not worth it. This will color your entire relationship going forward, and you will never be truly secure within the relationship (in case you are considering giving him a second chance when and if he comes back).
Dating is an abject nightmare until you eventually find the one person that makes it all worth it.
He’ll come back and try again. Don’t let him!
As others have said, this isn’t anything to do with you. He probably just helped you dodge a major bullet. Take care, it won’t always be like this I promise.
He will be contacting you again. I gurantee it.
He was probably married.
When you guys were cuddling before, could you feel his erection?
Good riddance to bad rubbish.
That type of behavior sucks so much, because it’s like “what did I do wrong?”. And I totally get it and have been there. But all those dating advice columns and blogs and therapists are right when they say that person did you a favor because they broke up with themselves for you before you wasted more time on them.
Some people pull away as soon as they start to get close. Sounds like he’s not ready for a relationship.
I am so sorry oP! I am going with the he is married.
This is very similar to what happened to me, except we’d been dating for a little over 4 months. Like he’s encouraging me to come over and bring my laundry, encouraging me to come over and use his home gym instead of getting a gym membership, everything seemed to be going great and then… ghosted. That was in January and I still don’t know what happened, not gonna lie it hurled me into therapy.
I don’t think you did anything wrong. I mean seems like he came on pretty strong by calling you every night. Which could be a red flag but not necessarily.
OP I’m really sorry. It says more about him and his character than about you. You cannot build a deep connection with someone who is disconnected from themselves.
The ‘why’ is not important, focus on the ‘what now?’.
This should be to block him on any other platforms.
Don’t invest any further time or energy trying to make sense of his nonsense. If he doesn’t have the basic care and respect to communicate and explain the sudden halt, he doesn’t get the benefit of the doubt imo. A quick chat, call or text could have handled the situation differently and more kindly.
I don’t care why-if it was avoidant attachment, ED, or infidelity: you deserved better.
Either way, he’s not in the right headspace for dating.
Or at least dating *you*.
On the bright side it’s early days, he could have wasted your time for several months. Adding insult to injury…you groomed for nothing. Like a bad smell, I promise he’ll be back. Stay strong when he does and keep him blocked!
I think anytime someone over 30 tries to move this fast, this soon it’s a big red flag. I think often it means impulse control issues, difficulty regulating emotions, etc. I doubt you did anything wrong, I bet he just has a lot of issues.
I’ll be generous and say maybe he was only wanting sex but actually thinks you’re a nice person so he decided not to use you.
Probably not really it, but maybe?
This is why I have given up on dating. Can’t trust none of yall
He’s been hiding things from you. If you had sex he probably just wanted a lay, felt guilty about it or lying to you and took the easy way out.
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Please move on. I know it sucks but sounds like he is hiding more than what he wants you to know. I’m sorry this happened to you, it sucks especially when you start to get feelings for someone.
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It’s why I tell men and women, take your time before intimacy, spend time together, sleep together but don’t have sex, get to know them.
That’s my assumption he probably was lying and it’s best if you moved on.
Sorry this happened to you. A veryyy similar thing happened to me about a month and a half ago, the only difference being that I was sleeping with him.
It was really shitty of him and even though it was a short casual thing it still bums me out, and it feels worse because I feel so stupid for being sad about it and I feel like I can’t even talk to anyone about it. I still have no clarity on why it happened, if I did something wrong, if he’s ok…nothing.
Take care of yourself ❤️
That’s pretty fucked up he ghosted you. Dating over thirty is like finding a needle in a haystack. I’m a firm believer in communication, we’re too grown for ghosting it’s extremely childish I’ve been in predicaments like that. If people are not gonna be mature enough to communicate they have no business dating. Look at it this way shit happens for a reason at the end of the day is his loss not yours
Micropenis
Maybe he’s having some kind of psychological issue and decided it’s not a good time for him to date. Either way not your problem anymore.
There’s really no point where you can let your guard down in dating nowadays. People will bail without explanation at a moments notice
Has it occurred to you that maybe his “ex is trying to search for him” not because she’s a “crrrrrrazy UnStAbLe FeMaLe” but because he clearly has a habit of ghosting people after feigned emotional closeness?
He chickened out, pretty shit move but sounds like there’s something he really wants to keep hidden. Maybe he can’t perform in bed or has a micro penis.
Maybe he’s an alcoholic and relapsed? Had the exact same scenario as you and that wound up being the case lol.
Sounds like you’re a rebound for him.
My guess is all the very rapid and fast bonding in your relationship was his way of coping with his break up (by basically distracting himself from the pain of it). Eventually that pain caught up with him as he realised he was getting much too deep with you. (Intimacy with someone else can trigger unresolved wounds from last relationship).
It’s likely he got super emotional when you were on your way, and he realised he was not ready to be a crying mess in front of you and ruin your night, so he backed out.
And he blocked due to the realisation that he’s definitely NOT over his ex, or just not emotionally ready for a new relationship and didn’t have the balls to communicate this like an adult to you.
What the actual fuck? Block the man. Tell the story to your friends. He sucks.
I had someone go from telling me he loved hanging out with me, and he hadn’t felt such a connection in years to saying I was a sketchy human being and he never wanted to see me again in literally one text message. I said “good luck out there 🍀” and immediately blocked him on everything.
Dating is kind of terrible when you are a whole-ass completely formed human being trying to date another whole-ass completely formed human being. It’s hard and you get hurt a lot because you kind of open up a little bit of yourself to every new person you meet every time.
Emotionally unstable. Dont worry dear. It happens.
Maybe he has a micro penis and decided to ditch you before the big, or not so big, reveal.
Block him and get ready for the nexr date 🙂
He doesn’t deserve any more energy and time, life’s too short 🙂
I just went through the same thing. Long distance though.
Thought I found the perfect match. Vulnerable. Talked every single day. Said we were both falling in love and had plans to meet in person after the holidays. He sent a Happy Thanksgiving text and *boom*…
Ghosted.
We did have a disagreement about something pretty minor about a week before. I asked for some space or suggested we slow down on the all day texting bc it was so much and it was affecting both of us. Work and sleep.
So, maybe that hurt him? IDK…
But, I will say that dropping someone after you claim to have no issues and incredibly good chemistry and trust with, is absolute shitty behavior. It says a lot about him. None of that good!
He hasn’t blocked me either. Just refuses to text anymore. I tried reaching out and nothing.
Took about a week to really get over it and now I’m back out there…. *sigh
Whatever happened I wouldn’t waste another second trying to figure it out. He did you a favor because you don’t want a 36 year old man that is this immature.
Don’t get discouraged, the first person you date after a long time is usually disaster but it can only get better from here
The more you date, the better you’ll be able to tell whether someone’s being genuine. People can really fake it for the first few dates the way you described the conversations with the guy (and this is just a stranger from the internet reading, this might have been a totally different story), you mentioned a few things that matter to you (learning about the childhood, opening up, expressing strong feelings very early on (which still may not be what it looks like), having very long conversations…). Women love that shit! And men know that 🙂 Sometimes this can be all real, sometimes this can all be fake, but eventually you do feel that in your gut.
In the same way that you need to get a licence to get married (in the UK) I think people should have to get a licence before they’re allowed to date to show they are psychologically sound enough not to leave others emotionally scarred with their behaviour.
(Joking of course, but you get what I mean)