My husband (31) and I (32) have been together for a little over 15 years and have 1 son together, that just turned 10. We obviously been together since very young, since high school, and have gone through a lot of phases together. We also had a child at a young age, which was unplanned.
Since we got out of high school my husband has battled with alcohol addiction and most likely depression. He put me through absolute hell during my pregnancy by never being around, treating me like garbage, and sometimes not even coming home because he was out with friends drinking. I remember one time we went to go watch a movie while I was 7 months pregnant and he got so drunk that he passed out in the movie theaters. When the movie was over the cleaning crew came and he was so drunk that he couldn’t even walk in a straight line. I asked the employees if they were able to help me take him to their car but since it’s against policy to physically touch a guest under “distress” they said they could only call an ambulance. I declined and had to help him walk to the car by putting his arm over my shoulder. Mind you I’m pregnant, and very petite. My husband is a big guy almost twice my weight and a whole foot taller than me.
This is just one example of how heavy his drinking could be.
He drinks heavily on the weekends and also drinks during the week but not to the point of getting wasted.
I feel like his alcohol addiction is making his depression worse. He’s having a hard time maintaining a career (I’m the breadwinner and paying 90% of bills/groceries). He stopped caring about his health. I’ve tried to help him multiple ways by being supporting and trying to learn more about addiction so I could help him but I’m quite honestly feeling defeated. It’s been many years and I don’t see a ending to this.
I feel like I’m losing faith in him fighting his addiction and don’t see a light at the end of this tunnel.
I do want to add that he is an AMAZING father. He is very much present and active in our sons life. They have an amazing bond together and this one of the main reason why I’m still holding on.
TO ADD: He has tried therapy. Only went for a month or two and said he felt like it was pointless so he stopped going. He has made an effort to stop drinking but every time he’s made an attempt to get sober it has lasted a maximum of two weeks.
I guess he’s what you might consider a “functioning alcoholic” he works 5 days a week, but his job doesn’t pay well to be honest. He does help me around the house by doing laundry and cleaning.
I also wanted to add that I do not drink at all. I would drink only socially every maybe two months or so but not to the point of getting wasted, this year I decided it was something I didn’t need to do, even around friends. I though maybe this step would also encourage him that you didn’t need alcohol to have fun but it didn’t make a difference what so ever.
2 comments
He needs specific therapy for alcoholism. More general therapy won’t do much for an alcoholic. Has he tried AA or similar? Support groups and all that?
This is a tough situation.
The first thing to realize is that you can’t change him. How he behaves is how he behaves. Unless he decides to seek out help — or seek *better* help if he isn’t satisfied with what he has — for his own reasons, he isn’t likely to do it because you ask.
All you can do is decide if you want to be in a relationship with someone like this.
I know someone through a friend. This guy got so drunk before flying home, that he was turned away by the aircraft crew. (This was understandable, he was drunk before he left for the airport.) This guy had been house-sitting for my friend while my friend and I were on a camping trip. On our return, we got him to the airport, but then he got a ride back because of the refused flight.
He started apologizing to *me,* while my friend called other mutual friends to find him a place to crash so he could fly out the next day. I told him that they say you don’t have an addiction until it interferes with your regular life, and that getting kicked off a plane counts. It was his choice to figure out how to deal with this, but he should probably seek help.
He acknowledged it, but when he got home, he didn’t do anything. Until he got into a car accident (just himself, fortunately), and that got him to look into it.
What happened was that he was self-medicating himself with alcohol because of various stresses in his life. But he had to decide that enough was enough and get help. Even in those TV shows where a big intervention is arranged, the target of the intervention still gets to choose if they will go to rehab and try to get sober. They can also walk away and continue the life they are leading.
So, you know how he treats you, what the marriage is like, how he spends his time. If you aren’t able to tolerate that any longer, your option is separation, at least. You can’t coerce him to get help. You can just tell him that he has to get himself sorted out, because you can’t accept the life you have together.
That might be enough to get him to realize that there are consequences to his choice, or not. But it is the path open to you.