I don’t know what to do anymore.
My(34f) boyfriend(34m) and I decided to move in together this year. While we were nervous because we had only been dating a year, we unfortunately live in Florida where housing and utility costs are outrageous and felt one of the best ways for us to survive was to move in together, especially since neither of us wanted to move in with anyone else.
When we first moved in, I started using an IUD based on my bf mentioning his past partners never had an issue with it and it’s a safe and affordable option.
As it turns out, I am one of those “fortunate” women that did not take the IUD well. My body was not accepting it and it was literally rejecting it to where the IUD got stuck being pushed out of my cervix and was ripping it. I wore it for 2-3 weeks and wouldn’t stop bleeding and cramping which is when I went to the doctor and found out. The doctor then suggested I take the shot right after removing the IUD. Like a dumbass, I complied. After that 1st shot I refused to go back again due to extreme effects it took on my body. This has been a year from hell for me.
Prior to the shot, I was an extremely horny person and actually enjoyed rough C&C sex including cervix sex.
Now for the past 9 months I feel like I have lost a part of myself. I don’t know how to flirt, I have little to no desire to have sex. I used to be what my partner so lovingly called a “slip and slide” for how wet I used to get and now its dryer than the Sahara.
The first 6 months of sex was painful and we rarely had sex which was also negatively affecting my partner who has been trying his best to not take it personally.
I don’t have health insurance so I can’t even go to see a doctor about this right now and uninsured costs for libido shots is outrageously expensive. I am right now taking prenatal gummies, libido pills, and fenugreek to get even a small portion of my libido back. I have to double on doses with the libido supplements to do that. Sex recently, isn’t as painful as before but I still have low libido, not as wet, I am getting pimples like crazy, I have gained weight which is also contributed by my extremely stressful job. I have become massively depressed and started having passive suicidal thoughts that are increasing.
While my partner has been patient and understanding, he mentions how the sex isn’t as good, how he misses me and all it does is make me feel like I am lesser of a woman. I have expressed my frustrations on this but then he just looks sad and holds back and I feel like I am making him hide his own pain which isn’t what I want. I know me being dry, not being flirty and not initiating has gotten to him and when I try to initiate or flirt it’s just awkward and he can tell I’m forcing something that used to be so natural for me.
Last night I was in my head and we were falling asleep and he tried to initiate sex and I just laid there and let it happen because I knew that if it wasn’t for this predicament, I would want it. But me being unenthused and just laying there made him embarrassed, upset and unwanted and he stopped early on and left the room.. Which honestly just made me feel worse.
We got into a fight, mainly both of us are just hurt. He doesn’t feel wanted, he thinks I want to break up and just won’t. I honestly am tired of hearing that, tired of being reminded that I am not who I used to be and how I have gained weight (which we both have) and how the hormones are making emotional and crazy.
I don’t know what to do. I am tired of fighting. I am truly and madly in love with him but he doesn’t seem to think I am anymore and while he has been an amazing partner through this, I can’t keep feeling like a giant disappointment every time I look at him or feeling like I’m not enough because I am competing with a version of myself that I myself miss..
He got upset because my lack of trying, my desire to be alone and not want to fight or even talk last night made him feel like I’m giving up. I understand he’s having a rough time, but this is happening to me, my body, my mind, my fucking sanity is all being affected and I’m so fucking exhausted. All this pressure and I just can’t do it. A part of me wants to give up. I hate taking pills, I hate that I have to work so hard to flirt or psych myself up for something I used to love, like sex. I miss rough C&C and cervix sex too and it’s still too painful to do that.
I truly have no idea what else to do. I don’t want to break up but feels like we are both miserable and it’s because of me. Please help
TL;DR
Facing significant challenges after moving in with boyfriend, including health issues stemming from an adverse reaction to an IUD and a hormonal shot, which have caused a decrease in libido, physical discomfort during sex, and psychological stress. These health problems have led to emotional and physical distance in our relationship, causing both of us distress. Without health insurance, I am struggling with the high cost of medical care and feeling overwhelmed by the situation. Despite our love, the struggle with intimacy and the resulting emotional toll is causing conflict and feelings of inadequacy. I am seeking help for this complex situation, feeling at a loss on how to proceed while not wanting to end the relationship.
UPDATE:
I would like to clarify that my partner is indeed a loving, patient and dependable partner. Just like this matter is taking a toll on me, it is also taking a toll on him. I used to look at him with want and desire and now my low sex drive makes me feel like an empty shell of a person which in turn makes him scared that I do not feel the same way about him. I too was scared, maybe I was in denial and I tried to masturbate to porn I generally enjoy but I still felt nothing. My bf has been my rock through all of this but we are both starting to feel inadequate and insecure due to this situation. We both keep trying to find alternatives to help me with this but have yet to find a suitable solution.
As far as timeline goes:
* Bf and I dating prior to moving in together.
* Relationship great. Sex great.
* Moved in together early March
* Took IUD mid March
* Removed IUD and took shot early April
* October sex stopped being very painful. Still slightly painful. Can’t be rough.
Has any other couple gone through this? What helped with this matter? Were you or your partner ever able to get their mojo back? Are there any suggestions for stuff to take to try and get my hormones back to normal?
5 comments
So sorry to hear about your straight up awful journey. My advice would be to get on the same page with your boyfriend so the two of you are against the BC issues and side effects. Following that, I’d say either keep trying alternatives (the pill, the minipill, the bar, etc.), OR just stay away from the hormonal stuff for a bit and just use condoms. It still feels good (admittedly not AS good), and you can feel more like yourself.
I don’t understand- are you currently still taking hormonal birth control, or are these all just continued symptoms from receiving one shot? Obviously you need to come off of all hormonal BC since it’s causing you so many issues, and just use condoms until you can talk to a doctor.
I’m so sorry. I feel like this is traumatic all around.
Consider this: this isn’t all yours to fix at all. It sounds like you’ve gone through some terrible stuff and your partner doesn’t understand it’s not centered around his sex drive.
This is unfortunate. I can’t get over the tearing of the cervix, like honestly, who has time to think about sex after having to experience that?
I mean this in the most gentle way possible, op: your sex drive and having your inner body parts torn shouldn’t be making it feel like it’s your “fault” for relationship issues.
These sorts of things do happen in life. What sort of response does bf have to anything else in your lives? Is he dependable if you ever have any other medical events that could impact your libido? Life has a lot of those. And the longer one lives, the more likely they are to happen.
I wonder if maybe this isn’t all physical.
I went thru something like this and what ended up being the issue is that all the trauma and fighting we went thru made a new guy seem like the route she wanted to take. I know that’s bleak. I probably shouldn’t even post this.
My last girlfriend went through something like this this and ended up cheating on me. Very recent and I’m still raw from it. I was understanding and gave her all the space she needed, constant support, I did research to help but ultimately it didn’t matter.
She took the depo-provera shot at the recommendation of her best friend and over the course of 6 months her entire personality changed. She lost all interest in sex, she became moody, distant, even her smell changed. We stayed together for a year and a half after (until she cheated) hoping the side effects would go away. I tried everything I could think of to make her extra happy, I spoiled her if I’m being honest. We had sex maybe once a month if that, and it was painful for her for a long time, then she said she kinda felt nothing, or she looked dead inside during it. We would stop halfway through sometimes because I could tell she was only doing it to make me feel better or shut me up.
She reassured me constantly, she tried taking menopause medication and libido pills. Nothing seemed to work. I caught her masterbating a lot towards the end, it really hurt as she knew it was tearing me apart.
When I caught her cheating she basically said “I couldn’t take disappointing you anymore, I’m tired of being the person ruining us so I acted out. The pressure got to me and I wanted to see if a new man would break me from this cycle”. She cheated on me with her ex “friend with benefits” that she promised she cut contact from. I feel like such a fool.
As you could imagine I lost it, I broke up with her immediately on the spot, we were together for 3 years and essentially 2 years of it was constant feelings of inadequacy. Only to be cheated on, and for how long I don’t know. I only caught her because I came home early from work one day and didn’t call her so I could suprise her with her favorite meal from chick-fil-a. She had weekends off and I usually worked Saturday.
I’m not sure if the side effects ever stopped or became less at all, or she came to use it as an excuse to justify cheating. I know at least a year of it was real, her smell did eventually come back (I know that sounds weird but it’s the truth) but I guess her attraction to me didn’t come back with it.
If this comes off as a ramble I apologize, I’m sobbing my eyes out writing this, I loved her. I’ve read a lot of reddit stories about birth control ruining relationships and causing the females to cheat. I know males probably do too in this situation, but I can only tell you my perspective and my research.
You seem to be asking for advice, mine is if you feel like it could be you falling out of love for him in any way, tell him. Don’t drag it out, don’t cheat, and if anything comes back in the way of libido then go for it (with your boyfriend) because I can promise you it’s likely breaking his heart.
I hope it works out for you. I hope you find a way or something that works. Good luck.