So I’m currently looking to become more assertive, since I am extremely unassertive and it’s causing serious problems in my life in all areas. I have a lot of hope because I will be working with my family on an assertiveness workbook which I am so excited to start since assertiveness really is an essential skill of life.
But I am curious, if you have changed for the better with assertiveness, such as being less afraid of conflict, being able to self advocate, and stand up for yourself, how did you do it? It seems pretty challenging and would take a while to change.
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When I was in high-school I was not assertive. After a couple of years I realized it’s just about my mindset, my body language and my habits. Those 3 are my foundations for my “assertiveness.”
stopped giving a fuck. so now I guess I’m an asshole. not necessarily better, but certainly different.
I found that most people are not worth that level of deference. Their needs, wants, time nor space are any less valuable than mine no matter how much of a fit they throw. That being the case I can stand up for myself quite adequately now. See how others do it. Especially narcissists and tone it done. Especially since eventually karma catches up to us all. All things considered. Be respectful. Genuinely kind and responsive to others. Without sacrificing yourself. I have found that so very few will pay it back. But if they do those are the one who truly deserve consideration. The rest are competitors for your space. Respond Accordingly. Remember that some will do for you while other think an “I’m sorry” has the same weight and merit of actually making amends. One takes genuine concern and effort. The other is an exhalation. A puff of air and a little noise. It carries the same value..
I flipped the script on the “rules.”
Instead of everything being a default “yes” unless I had a “good reason” to say no, instead they became a default “no” unless there was a good motivation or my own preference to say yes.
Also I stopped giving REASONS for why I felt things, preferred things, or would or wouldn’t do things.
People can expect/demand “reasons,” but you don’t have to give them.
Just act the way you feel. That works for me. Feel afraid? Do it. Scare of saying no? SAY NO or invent an excuse. By the end of the day, you have to be a little asshole and a little nice. Be nice but not stupid u know.
I realised that the only reason I was afraid of conflict was because I didn’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings.
But was the other person as considerate as me? Did they think that they might potentially hurt my feelings when they start a conflict?
Absolutely not. They didn’t care! So why should I care about their feelings?
When someone else is pushing you down, why should you let them do that? Are you afraid that they’ll be annoyed and hurt by you? But why are you afraid of that? It’s not like THEY care about YOU!
This applies to friends, family…ANYONE. Don’t be afraid of the unknown, say what’s in your mind and don’t let anyone step all over you.
Stop explaining your reasons why to people. Just give your answer and stop there. If they ask, be very polite but astute with your words.
First, the drive to be assertive comes from being absolutely tired of being walked on. Thats the “push from the back” motivation. But finding idols and mentors to teach and look up to…thats the “pull from the front” motivation.
There’s a bunch of different avenues to explore this: Social dynamics. Sekf-worth. And just plain being able to haggle (for your own benefit). If you want a good book, id check out When I Say No I Feel Guilty.
Find your local homeless encampment and deny every one who asks for money. You’ll become an assertive asshole in no time.
I realised that I’m unassertive because I was brought up by a very unempathetic and bossy mother in an environment where my personal wishes and emotions were basically ignored. It was really helpful for me to realise that my unassertiveness is not just some kind of personal failing off my own doing – it’s literally a survival instinct trained into me over 18 years of life.
Seeing that that childhood environment was unfair on me helped me see that standing up for myself isn’t the dangerous/hurtful to others thing I thought it was.
I wasn’t able to start being assertive until I started actually being aware of what I even want.
I never knew what I wanted because I never even thought about it. So first I had to start thinking about what I wanted in any situation.
Secondly I never knew what I wanted because I didn’t feel my own emotions. So I’ve had to do a lot of work trying to feel things at all.
But once you start feeling, then you start getting some pointers from your emotions on what it is that you might want. And once you know what you want, them you can start trying to be assertive and asking for it.
So, I guess the short answer is: therapy
Chronic pain. When something hurts as fuck at all times, you naturally become intolerant to any bs and higher on aggressive traits.
I started working in customer service. The old me was quiet, timid, and only occasionally spoke up.
Ever since I started dealing with rude, unintelligent people did I actually start talking back, being rude back, and being very argumentative. The customer is always right? I think not! I will literally tell rude customers to get hit by a car. I’ve actually confronted rude people at work, for instance, those who don’t say thank you and/or snatch the receipt/change from my hand. “You like being unpleasant huh?”, or “Were you brought up in a cave?”
And I say things like that to people out loud in front of other customers and staff. Even in front of my boss. I make it clear that I am not someone you want to test. I can be extremely petty also. I try not to be petty, but if I’m pushed to that point, I go to the max. I don’t mess around, so don’t try me.
Even outside of work, I’m not the silent doormat that I used to be. Just the other day, I was crossing the street and an idiot almost hit me and another person crossing. I looked at the driver and yelled ‘Watch where you’re going, stupid!’ The old me would’ve just silently judged them.
I like to think of myself as being good. I love talking with people and I’ll go to the ends of the Earth for the people I care about. I don’t actually like causing scenes and I actually don’t like confrontation. But when the tables are turned and someone disrespects me or loved ones, I will get right up in their face and I don’t care who it is or where we are. I will tell them to jump off a cliff and I’ll say it in front of their mama, that’s how hard I go.
for 5 years i did 5 minutes of standup on thursday nights. also 4 years of law school helped.
Would you mind sharing the assertiveness workbook? I’m intrigued as I also struggle with assertiveness
Realised I was a people pleaser from my traumatic childhood. Also realised that when I was a pushover, I hated myself and resented the person. So I practiced until I got very comfortable being assertive. I still have days where I struggle, but now if I’m pushed, I have zero qualms about pushing back.
Honestly Nofap helped in this aspect it makes you more socially dominant.
Its helped me identify and in front of issues while they are small and much easier than I deal with
I started a band! Had to confront drunk people, wierd venue owners, my own bandmates, but most importantly myself. All came with great lessons
Anxiety meds. 💀
I did this! It all came down to confidence for me. To be blunt, I hated myself. Once I realized that and noticed how I was speaking to and about myself, I realized it was plain awful. It caused me to not really take a stance on anything whether it be my opinions, my passions, my life path, saying yes to things I wanted to say no to, caring way too much about what people would think about me etc. It all came down to the deeper issue of a huge lack of confidence and self worth.
Once I figured that out I started replacing those negative thought patterns with positive ones (saying it out loud when you notice the negative one start to come up), and genuinely thinking about what I actually wanted in life. Like “hey this thing you’ve been doing to me for the past 3 years is actually unacceptable.” Or “ I actually don’t want to do this even though I normally would agree to it.” Or “I actually don’t want to tolerate men treating me this way and my standards should be higher” etc.
It’s all about keeping promises to yourself because you know your worth, you know your boundaries, and you know that people being upset with your boundaries or having any kind of judgement toward you has nothing to do with you.
I wrote down all the old stories I told myself that were negative (because they are just stories) and I replaced them with positive affirmations. You won’t believe them at first but once you start re wiring your neural pathways (this is the science behind it) your brain will start automatically going to that new positive thing. Then you start to believe it.
That’s how I became really good at being assertive along with many other things ◡̈
A few guiding principles
1. Nobody can, or will, be selfish FOR you. At some point I had seen such a vile abundance of awful and selfish behavior that I realized… Even my worst is like 5% of the worst I’ve seen. I trust the place I operate from to know that I can be selfish without outright harming others, because nobody will do it for me.
2. They will judge you either way. You either go to bed content with yourself, or hating yourself. At least make it so the only person who isn’t judging you poorly is yourself. No matter how I’ve behaved, an equal number of people have liked me and hated me. I’d rather operate in a way that defends my dignity and self-respect and let THOSE people hate me.
3. Conflict connects. While unhealthy conflict is inherently damaging, HEALTHY conflict gives lots of opportunities to learn more about how others operate and why. Working through problems let’s you connect with someone in more powerful ways. If you avoid conflict, you are quietly saying that the connection isn’t worth getting your hands dirty to improve or maintain.
How? Therapist, group therapy, and watch psychology content about setting healthy boundaries and healthy relationships.
Cheers
a therapist told me “you don’t have to do what you don’t want to do”
also, my mom died and nothing scares me anymore
I’m a big fan of reviewing social interactions I’ve had but in a productive way. For example: if I just left a situation where I’m disappointed with myself because I was too easygoing and people pleaser when I just wanted to be assertive, I’ll ask myself so what in my response fell short of my expectations? Was it my tone? My words? My body language? I’ll break down whatever it was and then start thinking what would be or sound more assertive instead. It won’t work overnight but you can start practicing the change.
Then during my next interactions I’ll be trying to act a bit more that way, even if it’s something silly. Last week I was walking around the city with friends and I was getting really hungry. I instinctively would go: “hey, are you guys feeling hungry? Cause I’m a little bit and if you’re guys are too we can maybe stop somewhere” – almost apologetic. Then I ran in my head how I could make that assertive and still not be nowhere near rude and said: “I’m starting to get really hungry and there’s this really good crepes place nearby, you down?” and we all went there.
It’s actually simpler than you imagine once you start practicing, little by little.
Great question.
“I’m sorry, I can’t” has saved me from extra projects at work, improved my relationship with my partner, and prevented financial ruin due to people asking to borrow money in an unhealthy way.
But mostly I realized that while being polite is fine, when people test my boundaries, I make it a point to speak up as calmly as I can. I’ve usually found I only have to do it once before someone changes how they are treating me. Calm assertiveness is very effective.
It’s still a journey as it’s a skill tree I unlocked more recently in my life but I certainly feel empowered. This way I’m less resentful and happier overall.
I realized saying “no” isn’t anything bad. Unlocking this fact in my brain allowed me to feel more confident in my way of being & speaking over all
1. I realized, yes, you want to be good and do well for others, give in often and shoulder a lot yourself. Then I watched people act like this long term, they break down at a point (burnout, etc.) and therefore can not be a shoulder for the people around them (e.g. family) anymore from one day to the next. Is this really “good”? No, it sucks and it’s actually arrogant that you as a normal human think you can afford to do this.
2. You are also a person with wants and needs. Why do you think you can prioritize others over your own? You HAVE to look out for yourself just the same and it’s way less hard thank you think it is because of the next reason.
3. It’s funny but starting to gather the courage to stop being a pushover lets you realize that most of the time, people actually already expected you to say “no” in certain situations and that it’s the most normal thing ever. Even if they didn’t expect it and you think an argument ensues, reframe it as a “discussion” – always and stay calm. People always say “you shouldn’t be afraid of conflict” – well then start with not being afraid of discussions.
4. It’s a habit like anything else. Start with “I want to say “no” only one time today, where I normally would have said yes”
I remember hub and I were in our Green 1998 SEAT Cordoba Vario, driving to my very dominant in-laws in 1999. Midway up the E45 here in Østjylland, I had the thought that I had to grow a spine and learn to assert myself and stand my ground, because the baby I was pregnant with, deserved a mother whom they could look up to as a role model.
There were false starts, there was an immature phase where I was just rude about it, before I learnt to be assertive AND respectful.
I’ve fallen off a few times and lost my temper since, but by my late 30s, I think it felt natural and not something I had to give thought to or plan in advance to avoid a childish temper tantrum. Of course, even decent people can be pushed too far by…fx. “vulnerable” narcissists.
This is going to sound strange but I trained myself to be assertive using chatGPT.
I created a prompt that comes up with different scenarios for me to respond assertively to. I get it to rate my response in assertiveness out of 100 and offer suggestions for improvement if I don’t get a perfect score.
I kept developing the prompt to make it better and the scenarios more personalized.
The more you practice the more prepared you feel because you see your average score improving. That gave me the confidence to put it into practice in higher risk situations.
When I tried it in real life and got positive results, that just gave me more evidence that nothing bad will happen and more confidence in my ability to be assertive.
I became a teacher.
I moved to NYC and lived there for 16 years. Gave me the edge I needed after a couple of years.
Got promoted at work to manager which helped with social status and confidence.
I got a job as a doorman (bouncer) so I was kinda thrown in the deep end and now I’m comfortable with being more assertive in social situations
The main thing for me is to up your own view of your self worth, because if you already prioritise yourself more then everything else comes naturally. Yeah but at first having better self worth isn’t very easy so my therapist told me just to slowly be more mindful with how I speak to myself and make sure that I am always positively encouraging.
Also I think something else that’s really common is that you’re often too sensitive of the other person, but like if it’s someone you know well it’s not like you’re very likely to say anything that they will hate you forever over and if it’s someone you don’t know well who cares because you probably don’t talk to them at all. Not like they probably care about you anyway. Also if you’re afraid of being selfish, I assure you you’re not because anyone who has problems with being assertive is in no way selfish.
But yeah nothing is as important as yourself- you are living your own life with your own choices. People often gravitate to those who are healthily assertive and they are often well liked too.
Life is only once and we all have a very limited time. Fuck being a pushover and a butt of a joke.
Realise that people will actually respect a “no” more than you assume.
Having boundaries just makes you more respectable to a lot more people. If you’re a constant pushover, it does way more harm than good in the long run.
Also you’re role modeling to others that disrespecting boundaries is okay, which sadly legitimises bad behaviour. It’s a ripple effect. You vote with what you tolerate.
The math doesn’t add up to be a doormat people-pleaser. For yourself, for the perpetrators, and for society.
I stopped associating assertiveness with likability when I noticed that assertive people still have friends, and in fact they’re respected a bit more for that confidence. It took years of practice to get this point without melting in a puddle of anxiety but just today I told someone no. They asked why not and I just said because I just don’t want to. Nothing personal. As usual this was accepted by the other party. People are better at hearing no than us people pleasers tend to think. It’s not our job to make everyone happy all the time and no one expects us to.
I started wrestling and training jiu-jitsu lol. When you saturate yourself in a hyper-aggressive space (where people are working towards a common goal), you learn their mannerisms. Unconventional way, but I think feeling good about my body helped me feel good about saying “no” too.
I think it’s a very long process, Before therapy I was like 10% assertive (pretty much a doormat) and now I’m about 60% (I can say no almost every time even though I feel guilty) but it took years.
In order to be assertive – we must shift our mindset:
I have a right
You have a right
How do we make sure both of our voices are heard so that we can meet in the middle?
What are some practical solutions that create a balanced relationship or mutually beneficial outcome? i.e. equilibrium
We don’t deserve to concede on our rights because that means silencing our own needs and people-pleasing
However, we might have to shift a bit to make sure both parties feel validated
On the other hand – if this approach repeatedly doesn’t work then that says that the person that you’re dealing with isn’t concerned about your needs in the relationship
We also need to both accept and embrace conflict
I think people automatically assume that conflict is bad because they grew up in an environment where people were taught to be silent and brush things under the rug
However, conflict when in a healthy, safe, and conducive environment is actually a good thing as long as it results in facilitating dialogue and moving towards a mutually beneficial relationship and outcome and without conflict – we wouldn’t be able to develop stronger relationships and we wouldn’t be heard and seen either
I’m sure there is a correlation between self-confidence and assertiveness, meaning if you believe and value your own opinions, then you’re happy to assert them and defend them against the inevitable pushback.
I did it the hard way which I do not recommend. Because i was always taken advantage of it got to a point where i just didn’t care about being assertive because in the past i would think “be nice” but now its more “ im protecting myself” because i know some people would take advantage of it.
Don’t get me wrong it’s not like I’ve turned into an asshole or anything, I’ve just become a better judge of character and when to use assertiveness.