My fiancé (33M) and I (33F) have been doing couples counselling for the last 6months trying to improve our unhealthy conflict patterns.
I grew up in a family environment where my dad lashed out in anger, the entire family tiptoed around him to avoid his rage outbursts.
My fiancé grew up in a Portuguese family where everyone said whatever they feel, often saying very hurtful things with no repercussions, yelling at one another, swearing, sarcasm, name calling etc.
We’re both trying our best to learn healthier patterns as neither of us want to recreate what we grew up with.
Our biggest struggle is that my fiancée’s threshold for a disagreement becoming “too heated” is so much higher than mine.
I am triggered by even the slightest raising of voice, or hint of him being upset.
He has learnt that I get easily triggered and will lower his voice when I ask him to, and will give me time out when I need it, which really helps me to feel safe.
I want to expand myself so I can better handle conflict without needing a time out every 2 minutes.
I’m struggling to learn though, what is a normal, healthy expression of anger? I want him to be able to express when he feels upset or angry at me, as these are normal human emotions, and I should be able to take accountability when I’ve done something wrong or inadvertently hurt him.
This question sounds so stupid, but I’m seriously confused. And realising that I’ve never learnt what healthy anger looks like.
TLDR: How do I know when my fiancées expression of anger is reasonable, healthy and safe, versus anger that is inappropriate, unhealthy or toxic?
5 comments
I think it’s common to yell while angry, but if your fuse is too short and you immediately start screaming every time you’re mad, that’s unhealthy.
Throwing things or punching/kicking would be considered common, however if it’s aimed at another person, or animal, that would be unhealthy. If you punch a tree or throw things across the room often, that’s unhealthy. Breaking anything is unhealthy. Stomping/banging is common, but too much is unhealthy.
Name-calling, berating, taunting, and insulting would be unhealthy expressions of anger.
Feeling angry about anything is valid, and there’s a lot of really common responses to anger, however just because something is common, that doesn’t make it normal or healthy. Anything can be considered unhealthy expressions of anger depending on the severity and frequency of the action.
I’ll share my experience, which is very personal and limited — but maybe you’ll take something away from it.
I didn’t have a good upbringing, and as a result, I have BPD. That’s its own whole thing. Every partner I’ve had (except my current one), I’d lash out in anger. Not proud of it. A couple volleyed back their own toxic anger/issues as well and it created bad situations.
But for me, these issues weren’t exactly a result of my upbringing. They were a result of my circumstances. I spent 13 years homesick and unhappy, despite moving all around the US. I’m back home now. I was broke, thanks to living in HCOL cities and trying to point my career in the right direction. Now, I have a stable WFH job. I wasn’t medicated for my depression, which caused me to self-medicate with alcohol (which definitely ramped up the anger by about 1000%) Now I am medicated.
So, treat the problem holistically. Try to tackle your life stressors one by one so that you’re in a better place.
Another very personal but unfortunate thing I did was choose partners I wanted to change, which therefore led to a lack of respect. I am now with someone I respect deeply. Even if we have a conflict, I don’t lash out, call him names, or anything. Wouldn’t dream of it.
If it’s to the point of anything physical, then it’s not healthy.
My partner’s and my rule is “no raising decibels.”
For us, yelling or shouting is a bridge too far.
If we can’t express our anger, hurt, or frustration at each other without being controlled and calm, we need to take a step back.
Sometimes explaining things to little kids, in simple ways, makes everything clearer.
I told my nephew, when he was little, that it’s OK to be angry but there are two rules: you can’t hurt anyone and you can’t break anything.
When you boil it down… I think that about covers it. So I use that rule for myself too.