Looking for anything positive here..
Im 31 married to a very georgous woman like i have no idea how i got such a beautiful wife. We get along great..laugh..joke..take trips..hardly ever really fight. Together 14 years
The problem is…im so frusterated with my physical/sex life i honestly have to just vent…
My love language is physical touch…hers is service. But she does not want touched or want to touch at all..we go weeks with nothing physical. I try to hug..she gets tense…we kiss once a day before work. I go to cuddle with her at night while sleeping she scoots away..i feel so undesired by her that it just seems our marriage is better when sex is out of the question. Here is problem number 2…when i go to relieve myself…its like seconds..i get an orgasm but no fun out of it. Like shooting a gun with 1 bullet. Sex seems to be the same too too quick to satisfy myself.
Here might be the most damaging thing to it all.. ive heard her say “i dont enjoy sex, and only have it because you want it” that is such a downer thing idk what to do.
I want to enjoy sex again so bad. I keep myself busy with hobbies..we go to gym together 5x a week. Both have secure jobs…paid off house..it seems we have it all. But no intamacy..im starving for it or anything at all
We are both in the marriage and say to each othet “ill never give up on you” so we are even secure there. Just frusterated with my current spot in life..thank you for any input. Really hope no one ever feels this way
15 comments
i feel you brother – i’m the same boat somewhat – beautiful wife that everyone wants to to hook up with
but i’m not getting any
1. Counseling?
2. Sometimes cheaters want to be loyal to their affair partner do they avoid sex with their spouse. Go to surviving.infidelity.com. It has great tips to spot cheating
Why stay in a sexless marriage like that I don’t understand? You aren’t happy, so get divorced. It’s pretty simple.
Consider leaving. No sex is a deal breaker. You are 31. Can you deal with this bs for another 45 years
I’m married 22 years and have been dealing with the same exact thing for the last 10 years. Some women just seem to get so comfortable with loyal husbands that they assume that physical touch is no longer necessary. I just get my sex when I can get it and jerk to porn a lot. I refuse to cheat on her or look outside the marriage as I’m too honest.
You have two sets of questions in front of you, both as a couple, but also for you, individually.
As a couple:
* **How important is sex to each of you?** Some people are totally happy being in a low-sex relationship because they’re still fulfilled despite the low amount of sex. Other people can’t find fulfillment in a relationship if sex is relatively low/absent. Where do you fall? Where does your partner?
* **How much work is each of you willing to put in to ensure that sexual intimacy is an important part of your relationship?** “Work” can mean being consciously mindful of creating time/space for intimacy. If one or both of your sex drives is being impacted by physical/medical issues, are either of you willing to look into interventions for those?
* **What would help each of you be more sexually open/available to the other?** In other words, what barriers (brakes) to sex can be removed? What turn-ons (accelerators) to sex can be introduced?
There’s a bunch of books that folks can read that might be helpful in dealing with the above questions. Here’s a few I’d recommend:
* Emily Nagoski: [Come As You Are](https://www.simonandschuster.com/books/Come-As-You-Are-Revised-and-Updated/Emily-Nagoski/9781982165314). A very useful book for understanding the nature of how desire works.
* Melody Parker: [The Dead Bedroom Repair Manual](https://www.amazon.com/Dead-Bedroom-Repair-Manual-comprehensive-ebook/dp/B08M3WL3XJ). Parker is a psychologist who drew a lot on Reddit users as part of her research.
* Lauren Mersey and Jennifer Vencill: [Desire](https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/723719/desire-by-jennifer-a-vencill/). This is brand new and probably has overlap with the previous two books but I’ve heard [interviews with the authors](https://www.reddit.com/r/sexover30/comments/15fsnnp/psa_couple_of_podcast_episodes_and_new_book_about/) and they definitely tackle the issue of sexual mismatches in relationships.
***
These are the key questions for you, individually:
* **If nothing changes, can you still embrace being in the relationship?** And by “embrace” I mean: you minimize your frustration, you remove resentment. It’s not just about tolerating things, it’s about accepting “this relationship is so amazing, I’m willing to give up the kind of sex life I want in order to stay with my partner.” In other words, you’re willing to sacrifice a better sex life for the sake of your relationship *and* you do so without making yourself a martyr.
* If you can’t embrace things as they are, **what’s the timeline you’re willing to give yourself** before you’re ready to either ask to radically change the relationship (by opening it up) or leaving?
Have you tried marriage counseling? This isn’t a terribly uncommon problem, although there may be a variety of issues behind it. Try to think of it as the two of you v the problem, rather than you against her. If things are otherwise good, it’s worth an attempt to get professional help.
Leave her. No questions further imho.
I have been in virtually the same situation. After about 15 years of marriage, I learned in marriage counseling that my wife had never once masturbated in her life, has never had any sexual fantasies, never really felt horny, and literally never thought about sex (and “no” she wasn’t on meds, or depressed, or sexually assaulted, etc — the counselor explored all those potential explanations).. On the one hand, I was shocked. On the other hand, suddenly everything made sense.
I just had to come to grips with the fact that my wife had little to no interest in sex and that was never going to change. Every time we slept together she would more or less be “taking one for the team,” and I hated that feeling.
I thought of leaving but determined that the cost of separating, both financial and emotional, was just too high. I’m not a particularly high libido guy to begin with, so it wasn’t like I was sacrificing something fundamental to my well being.
i’d sit her down and properly talk to her about it. chances are there may be some underlying issues that are concerning her and stopping her from wanting to engage in sexual intimacy.
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There is no way out of this other than to learn more about yourself and each other and that means (drumroll) the big C word:Communicate. If you cant effectively do it together alone then seek out a therapist. There is nothing to be ashamed of. Be kind to yourself and each other. If there is love, there is hope. Good luck. Many Blessings to you.
I’ve been in your shoes and I would assume my husband felt like you did during our dead bedroom. Have you done anything to fix it? My husband didn’t do anything to fix our sex life, so it went stale. First step is communication. Find out why she doesn’t enjoy sex. Is it because she is not orgasming? For me, I didn’t want sex because the sex was bad. Communication with her will fix it. I was able to fix my own dead bedroom so if there’s hope for me, there’s hope for you 🙂
Tell her you want to block out am evening for cuddles and see what she says.
There’s a whole reddit forum on this topic, with hundreds / thousands of people dealing with the same problem– r/DeadBedrooms. I recommend you check it out