Fathers of Reddit How did your significant other change during pregnancy? For better or worse. And did they return to their former selves after the birth?

17 comments

1. Oh man she turned into a Pterodactyl

2. My wife wasn’t especially emotional. However, we’d been married nearly ten years when she got pregnant the first time, and were pretty solid in our relationship. Your partner may have some struggles about the situation you two find yourselves in, which may be coming out right now.

   I would urge you to not “put up with it.” Relationships require communication in order to work. This is vitally important when it comes to awkward and difficult conversations. You need to be able to talk about how you are treated.

   Her being pregnant doesn’t mean she can’t control herself or realize her actions, generally speaking. However, some women do experience psychological difficulties, like depression, *before* birth; it isn’t only a post-partum effect. This is called [prenatal depression](https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/22984-prenatal-depression).

   I would suggest that you talk to your partner sometime when neither of you are busy, and tell her that you’ve noticed the way she’s treating you, that it is unlike the way she treated you before. If there is something she’s seen in you that is causing this reaction, you need to know so you can do something about it. But if she doesn’t know why this feeling comes up, suggest, as gently as possible, that it may be worth a call to her ob/gyn, because you’ve read about this condition on-line (you can share the link from earlier), and it may be worth talking to a medical professional.

   For general relationship skills, I strongly recommend *The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work*, by John Gottman and Nan Silver. Gottman did research on married couples, and wrote the book based on things that worked, and other things that tended to end marriages. Going through it together may be helpful, even if you two decide to never marry. The skills apply to any long-term relationship.

   In terms of changes after birth, the biggest issue you will face is having adult time. Newborns are demanding and will consume a lot of time. If possible, it is helpful to find someone who can babysit for you once a week, so you can go out like two adults and have dinner without distractions. You will likely find that any kind of sex may be lacking, and physical affection may be directed solely at the newborn (I’m certain my firstborn got more kisses in any single day of his first week of life than I got that whole week.)

   Children are a strain on a relationship. That they can be a joy, and a lifetime of challenge, doesn’t subtract from the effect on the parents. You need to be able to rely on each other, and cooperate on things you might never have talked about before. Approaching the experience with a willingness to try, even if you are scared or unsure, is probably the best thing you two can do for each other.

3. I have no tactful way to express my experiences right now, so please don’t take this out of context.

   We are going through IVF. The biggest thing I’ve noticed so far is when her hormones are elevated, from the shots, she goes from being one of the bros to one of the girls. She’s my best friend and a large part of that was the fact that her personality reminds me of a dude. Once the shots take place it’s like a light switch. She’s irrationally emotional. Laughing and crying at the same time. It’s wild to watch. She’s still herself for the most part but one sad dog video and she’s a sobbing mess.

4. Being pregnant is not an excuse to become mom/girlfriend/wifezilla. You do deserve better.

5. 2nd one was worse. Also coincided with career challenges.

6. She’s growing a watermelon inside her body. Her life is going to be miserable, especially in the later months. Her organs are gonna get squashed and squeezed. Random things will make her sick. She won’t be able to eat.

   This watermelon? It’s a parasite. It will suck the iron from her blood, and leech the calcium from her bones.

   There’s gonna be a nesting phase, where she starts doing all these things to get the house ready for the baby. (try not to let her buy baby shoes. They’re ungodly expensive and won’t be used.)

   Her brain is gonna data dump and rewire itself to basically install “being a mom” software.

   After the birth… it’s not sunshine and rainbows. That watermelon has to come out. Either through an opening that’s a couple inches on a normal day. Things can tear. Or, it’s getting gutted like a fish. Recovery times suck.

   And while recovering from this, you got this tiny human that needs feeding. If mom’s breast feeding… it’s exclusively her that’s doing that.

   She’s going to feel like shit. She’s going to misplace that, and take it out on you.

   Her body is going to go through some permanent changes.

   Congrats. You’re along for the ride. Don’t worry about the after. Focus on the now. Be supportive.

7. Um….same person but the highs and lows were WAY dialed up. Like having your favorite song turned up to the edge of pain.

   God save me if she saw a cute video of a baby or kittens or something and started bawling uncontrollably.

   ….also Chipotle cravings.

   And yeah, that all faded after. Of course we were in a different life situation with a kiddo, so it wasn’t all the same. SHE was, but the same person makes different calls in a new situation, ya know? I was, and am, in the same boat.

8. What exactly do you mean by “doesn’t treat you well”? If she became neadlessly mean and yells at you for no reason, or something in that line – that’s one thing. But if she doesn’t cater to your every wish because she’s miserable or maybe cries a little too much over a cute or sentimental video because of the hormones and it annoys you like some of the commenters here, then boo freaking hoo.

9. My kids are all grown up now. I suppose I can look back and ask myself would I have done anything differently.
   I’m self employed. You never knew where the next cent never mind dollar was coming from. So the survival ethic was always there.

   We planned our first child and once making that decision my wife was pregnant within 2 weeks. We were both the eldest in our families and the first to produce a grandchild. We had no clue. In the throws of labor I took phone calls from clients. That was in hindsight the wrong thing to do. I think it set the standard of what was to come. 10 months later next kid came along. The next 5 rolled out like cooked pizzas from an oven.

   Then the snip.

   My wife cried incessantly on kid 3. I spoke to her mother who told me in no uncertain terms that I was being ridiculous. The mood became low and with that fatigue. I still worked 7 days a week 16 hours a day. I took the night feeds. We had a nice house two regular second hand cars a dog and a cat. But the anger in my wife was palpable. Looking back I understand why. I should have been available more, I should have been more supportive. Those years were rough.

   Now the kids are mostly gone, last one just started college. We have more time to ourselves (watch TV in different rooms).

   So I’d suggest you buy your partner flowers. Bring her eggs and toast in bed on Sunday mornings. Cook an occasional dinner. Make her a hot water bottle to put on her lap watching TV.

   They are just little things. Normal things. I should have done it.

   Life would have been a lot easier.

10. Mine was better. The lack of periods messing with her hormones made her much more even keeled. It was lovely.

11. I can relate to you in that way, my partner and her family don’t think I’ll be any good because I don’t have a sturdy job. But I still save all my money and that’s not an issue so I don’t understand why that makes me a bad dad when my child isn’t even here yet. I know how you felt.

    My partner and I have already spent too much money on baby stuff and the baby shower hasn’t been yet. We’ve already sorted out everything else we’re getting.

    And yes I do everything for her as it is, as soon as she found out she was pregnant she refused to do anything, even the smallest things her parents asked her to do. She just waits until I’m around to do it.

    And I’ve already checked myself, I don’t do anything to deserve how I’m treated simple as that. I don’t lose my temper even when I’m being screamed at for no reason. I don’t throw things at anyone, I don’t hit anyone, I don’t speak to anyone like shit. All I want in return is to be respected by her.

12. You need to leave my dude. Time is precious. Start taking steps now to protect yourself and your child.

13. She went from being slender, happy, and open to sex….to….well, the opposite of all of those things. Apparently she has always had undiagnosed anxiety (her words, not mine) and now uses food as her coping mechanism. Therapy isn’t producing the intended result (even after 6 years).

    Good luck.

14. She became mean and never went back. Just became miserable and just stayed that way. We had another child after that and it got worse. We’re no longer together

15. I’m a woman. I was pregnant this year and my baby was born during the summer. I will speak about my experience, hoping it will help you navigate your partners emotions and needs.

    Apart from your body changing, your mind also changes. You start having a lot of worries about your own identity, how well you will care for your child, how well prepared you will be by the time they arrive, etc.

    Make sure her feelings are validated and she feels safe with you. Don’t make her feel she’s going through pregnancy alone, still take her on dates, take photos of her and her bump. Make plans. Talk parenting. You are creating a family of your own. Start working on healthy communication. It’s a great opportunity for you to grow, address your trauma and develop healthy ways to address issues. Remember your baby will have big emotions that will have to be validated and addressed carefully so you can get started practicing that… of course you shouldn’t tolerate disrespect, but if she’s not respecting boundaries, let her know respectfully. It takes a lot of courage and kindness to raise a family. I wish you the best and hope everything will go smoothly and you’ll get along and your hearts will grow fonder.

    It was my first pregnancy and unfortunately I didn’t have much emotional support and it’s very sad when one of the life events you imagined to be magical and filled with love ends up to be a lonely experience without the support you deserved.

    After the baby is born, make sure she feels taken care of. Breastfeeding is one of the most challenging things ever, especially if baby wants to nurse every hour and at the beginning women still aren’t sure they’re producing enough milk. Help with the household chores, go grocery shopping, make food for her. She needs to know she can rely on you, you’re able to lead and take care of the family.

16. The best way I can describe it is erratic or volatile. Sometimes I’d come home and she’d be upset, or angry or happy you never knew what you were walking into. Then 5 minutes later it completely changed. I can’t imagine the hormones that are raging through a pregnant woman’s body so I just rolled with it.

    Afterwards she went back to her regular self, it’s just the hormones.

17. There is no former self. The birth of your child changes both of you. Your child is an evolution of the love you have for each other. That love will be showered and shared on your child, and you will know a new joy in your life, a new appreciation for your S.O. and your life will have meaning