I deleted my original post, but I’m sure it lives on somewhere…
TLDR. I’m staying.
Long story short, I came to Reddit two weeks ago to hash out some feelings I had following our second FFM threesome (July 2023). My husband broke a boundary by having a “twosome” with the other woman that started while I was sleeping. It felt like infidelity right in front of my face.
Thousands of people reacted to the post, most stating that his actions were cheating. Another large portion believed I gave consent, because my husband asked my “permission” and I froze and did not say “no”. Many people called me stupid. I can understand all perspectives.
I agree, it was cheating. You don’t ask to change a boundary in the act of breaking it. He understands that now – hindsight is 20/20. While I disagree with him believing he had consent, I forgive him. He has since genuinely apologized and is remorseful. I agree that a threesome was stupid for us to do, and that none of us three was ready for a threesome. I lack a spine, and they lack impulse control.
In my original post, I said our marriage was otherwise good. I really truly mean that. We are not perfect, but our relationship was respectful, kind, loving, and balanced. We discussed a threesome for months, going over feelings and potential negative outcomes, but felt the benefit outweighed the risk. Stupid, I know. Again, hindsight is 20/20.
I spoke with a marriage counselor. I explained how I feel traumatized, how my body doesn’t respond to my husband since that night, and how I desperately want to stay and leave at the same time. I started looking at apartments and embraced the thought of having space to heal, but my heart was breaking, too.
In a nutshell, the counselor said leaving is the “easy” thing to do. She didn’t blame me for wanting to walk away. The pain is real and living like this is hard. The harder thing would be to stay and work to repair the damage, and rebuild the trust that we had for so many years.
I am going to lose a TON of karma for saying this…. but I choose to stay and rebuild. My marriage is worth saving, and my opinion matters more than the words of strangers. I will continue individual therapy, and we will see a marriage counselor.
And no more threesomes. What a sh*tshow.
30 comments
“I am going to lose a TON of karma for saying this…. but I choose to stay and rebuild.”
Everyone knew this would be the outcome. You refuse to listen to people because you can’t accept that your marriage is a sham.
I hope your husband is getting individual counseling too. He’s the one that broke your trust.
Reason I don’t want threesome, I don’t want to share what is mine.
Your therapist is feeding you a load of shit. Leaving is not easy, it’s hard. Because it forces you to recognize that this marriage is a sham and your husband is trash who doesn’t care about your feelings when the opportunity to fuck someone else presents itself. That’s harder than pretending your marriage can work after this disrespect.
Good luck on living the rest of your life knowing your relationship is fake. You’re not the one that should be carrying the heavy loads but it sure look like you will be. Even your therapist said so.
No shaming or anything but how will you touch your husband without having flashbacks of that night? I mean I know I could not
That therapist is not in your best interest. A therapist NEVER EVER tell you things like “Leaving is easy and staying is hard work for what you have” WHICH IS BULLSH’T.
Leaving is harder because you leave what you had, your comfort zone. You have to start over and build a life for yourself and give up on someone you used to have. Even if you’re going to stay, change therapist and never ever let them manipulate you like that. I wonder if it was a therapist your hubby found…
My wife and I had a threesome. My wife wanted to slip into something sexier and gave me and the other girl permission to, “Start without her.” I didn’t. I was there to have sex with another woman with my wife. I wasn’t there to have 1 on 1 sex with another girl. *We* were gonna fuck this girl not just me. The other girl didn’t take any action to start without my wife either. She admitted she was fine with my presence, but she was mostly a lesbian and wanted to focus on my wife. I was cool with it. She consented to me doing her as well, but she fucked the ever living shit out of my wife. I think when it comes to threesomes there needs to be plenty of communication, and you have to be comfortable enough sharing without being jealous. If you can’t do that, then don’t try a threesome. They’re fun if they work out, but they can ruin relationships if you just rush in to do them.
Things people will do for a few mint of physical pleasure. Sad
It’s not surprising, someone who lacks a spine stays with someone who lacks impulse control. They require each other to survive, because who else would put up with them?
Leaving isn’t easy. It is hard. Leaving takes courage. Leaving is taking a risk.
This is the kind of situation that you should find that courage and leave. You are erasing yourself and ruining your mental health in order to chase an unattainable dream with him.
Get a new therapist so that maybe someday you can make progress and take care of yourself.
Tell him you get your own “twosome” to make it fair. He can’t ask who, what, when, where. You’ll do it once and call it even.
Even if you don’t have desire or intent to do that… make him sweat. He won’t understand the way you feel until he feels that same pain himself.
How do I know he doesn’t feel the pain? Because he did it literally right in front of you without a second thought.
Otherwise, you’re just condoning and inviting him to do it again.
I love how the harder option is touted as the best option simply because it’s harder.
Sometimes the easy way is best. Relationships are hard enough as it is when there’s no cheating right in front of your face. Sex is way too important to me to waste future decades on someone I know longer sexually trust or respond to. Who needs to spend decades trying to get that back. Just because new pussy was so tempting for him….
Damn.
I always thought leaving was the hardest choice, and that’s how I ended up staying with a man after almost the exact same situation you describe. You deserve better than this, but I completely understand why you are choosing to stay.
Short term, ending the marriage is incredibly hard. Much more so then continuing the relationship. But in the long run it’s ‘easy’ because you are accepting the relationship is over, and now you can move on.
Long Term, saving and maintaining the relationship is going to be incredibly hard. You will have to push through the feelings of broken trust and resentment, and then decide to forgive your partner to the point where your trust them again and do not hold that broken trust over their head with a lingering resentment that just makes you despise them.
Just because something is hard doesn’t mean it’s the right choice. Going swimming when it’s 40F is hard, and also a bad idea.
Leaving is hard, too, though. I get what she’s trying to say. Either way, there’s a lot of grief involved.
I wish you the best, OP. Good luck to you.
NEVER HAVE A THREESOME WHILE IN A RELATIONSHIP OR MARRIED. It will 100% ruin things. Only do it when single and everyone is on board! Or i guess if you are already in the swinging lifestyle.
If he is begging you to stay tho offer the MFM version of it. See if he will play along with another dude and mostly focus on him.
I guess I just don’t see what’s so bad with taking the easy road, in a universe where lifespans are limited and other potential partners are plentiful, but you do you.
So, what are the actionable steps your husband is gonna take to truly take accountability and make you feel safe again sexually and emotionally?
What kind of a therapist says manipulative shit like that?! You deserve better. Enjoy your shit marriage with your gross husband.
Can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved lol
A marriage where the guy is just staying with you cause there is no other option is not worth saving. It’s going to eat you slowly daily and build insecurity in you. If I saw his dick in another woman I would die fyi
Once boundaries are crossed it’s hard to go back to the world you had before. Every option here is difficult none of them are easy, what matters the most is which hard do you want for yourself. Do you want the hard choice of staying in a relationship trying to rebuild trust after a door that should have never been opened was opened, or do youove on with your life trying to heal and move forward after this experience. None are easy, I can’t give you advice on which path you should take, all I can offer is this, you can change your mind after any decision you have made, but the level of difficulty increases with any choice made after choosing either. Give yourself grace, you’re human, you’re allowed to feel what you feel it’s all valid, make the decision that is best for your mental and emotional health.
Interesting update. Thanks for sharing OP.
I would echo the other commenters who caution you about staying in this relationship. Your brain and heart may want to, but your body checked out the moment it happened. I remember your story vividly and your husband violated you so fully that you vomited after the act. You mention in this update you no longer react to him physically. How is that sustainable?
I feel like your body has been screaming something at you that your brain refuses to accept.
Have you considered sleeping with another man? How would your husband respond to that? How does he feel about what he did and how is he going about rebuilding your trust (it’s not your job to rebuild it)?
Threesomes sound fun and probably are in the moment, but bad news in the long run especially for hardcore monogamists like me.
You have a shitty counselor.
>I am going to lose a TON of karma for saying this.
Nevermind, this is obviously bullshit.
I remember reading your post, because it was one of the very few that upset me. It wasn’t just the cheating, but you having to witness it, in the same bed. That’s definitely somewhere on the sexual assault spectrum, and adds another layer of difficulty to your healing. Another thing is your husband’s defensiveness. No matter how much you want to heal from this, it won’t work unless your husband is genuinely [remorseful](https://www.chumplady.com/real-remorse-or-genuine-imitation-naugahyde-remorse/). And even if your husband ends up being genuinely remorseful, how much of your sanity do you want to sacrifice to make this work? Where do you draw the line? I hope you get the outcome you want, just remember that almost all of this is outside of your control. What is your husband doing to fix this?
I hate to say it but I think you’re just prolonging the inevitable break up.
K. We’ll see you back here in a couple weeks or months when he cheats on you again under guise of “Oh I thought you wouldn’t mind.”
I hope you realise the comments be made to you in the car on the way home, comparing you to her and saying she was essentially better than you, those were aimed to hurt you. I think you’ll truly live to regret this, but I wish you the best of luck. But know, him fucking her next to you in bed, that image will NEVER leave you. Your relationship will truly never be the same from this point forward. You know what he’s capable of and I promise it’ll happen again. He’s a selfish man and selfish people will never change. Good luck OP
I feel u buddy. When the world comes crushing and your marriage is on the verge of collapse theres nothing worse than losing a TON of karma.